Deciding - Lorzapam or not?

my first,day off in to weeks and back to another 6 days 12 shifts this week. I felt great last night and now I feel absolutely,awful. My ipad feels like it makes random punctionation signs sometimes . My boyfriend spent yesterday with the guys saying he got stuck staying late because someone blocked his truck in at his friends house. And now he is sitting on his rear waiting for some friend of his to stop of storages in his garage. And I am free for the first time in 14 days and I am alone. He might come by tonight - he is not sure. He lives with his mother and not currently working and i really am feeling ill over this. If I take the Lorzapam my day off is ruined became I will get very tired. I was doing so well this morning. Now i feel are kind of tangible anger and sickness. He explained the relationship is as it going to be. If I don't take the Lorzapam my day, also will ruined. I rarely feel rage but right now I feel it. And it makes my gut feel spongy. I work so much and my job is stressful. It would be nice not to be alone now.

12 Replies

  • I feel for you, We take the meds to feel normal, if we feel normal and everyone misses it upsets us and we sometimes feel cheated when someone does not see the difference.

    I have been horrific this pm and believe me when I say it does not do anyone any good.

    Was great this morning, now I am in pain and so I had to take more pain killers. Will possibly feel hell until bedtime then sorry tomorrow morning and then will feel down again until the Pax sits on my knee and I get several, very wet licks.

    Would the licks help you, you could always ask someone close preferably with a long sloppy tounge.


  • Thank-you for your reply Bob. I really hope you are feeling better and the pain killers are working.

    I am in my own home with an entire day to myself And don't know why I am not super happy. And it comes down to I have no person to celebrate my day off with me. But I have my pets that are with me and love me unconditionally. They look at me with the same innocent eyes asking for treats whether I am in my darknest night or happiest moment.

    I don't have any long sloppy tongues to comfort me- I have my housebroken racer rescue though. He made a pile of his toys beside me as I stared at this ceiling searching for strength earlier. Sometimes I feel so lonely that I get tears falling from my eyes without me noticing until I feel them or see them plop water on me.

    Retail on-line shopping has no appeal to me right now. I have no appetite. Thinking about a reasonable portion of whisky, a hot bath and then go and stay in bed and try to,enjoy the feeling of not having to run out the door to work. once the whisky is poured that means no Lorzapam. I never had a Lozrapam problem of feeling,addicted -i have feel like I never want to take it because it,zaps my energy. But it does work. Decided then- reasonable amount of whisky, soak in the bath and super early bedtime. I don't care if my partner is coming tonight or not. It is 2:30pm here- and my day is officially over. My racing Homer is cuddled beside me know looking like a feathery football. Sometimes he fluffs up so much you can't tell his where his head is. Hope you feel better soon. 💐

  • Hello Aspen

    I have never heard of a racing pigeon that will cuddle up to their owners I find that very touching and nice especially if it comes from wild stock.

    Tonight is not a wiskey night or beer night, that is tomorrow and that is now set in stone for at least twenty five years, when Hazel would nag at me because of that interest. I suppose now I would prefer to change that night as a floater any time between the Monday or Thursday night.

    Now it is an allowed addiction that stands for Monday, when the addiction was hard won, I have three nights in all where I am allowed a moderate tipple and if I make a run for an additional night I now get some very strange looks.

    Personally I would be very upset if Hazel were to go out and leave me with my thoughts, especially if she took the Pax, The before Pax is what our next doors all call Him I never know why I sometimes wonder if it is to do with the need for peace, so it becomes, :The Peace: and that I suppose is what everyone wants in this dangerous days and age.

    When it becomes addiction with me the only time that happens and on occasions I will say still, I am not an addict is if I forget the tablets. Believe me when I say there is no way I can honestly say I am not addicted as it rears its head especially after a bad flare up. Then I will or can grip the walls with my nails and claw up to the curtain rails.

    Aspen I hope you take this in the manner it was written as an amusement because I am sitting here watching Hazel watching a favourite tv program. Sad to say it is normal that she is always asleep and will need to ask me all about it at ten oclock


  • Hi Bob, I noticed your posts from the very first time I was on this board. You, Hazel and Pax have experienced much in your lives and you share such good stories and wise advice. I don't think it is common for people to,have the self displine to cut back on drinking and still able to enjoy it when they want. I am from a family of very heavy drinkers. My dad used to make moonshine in the basement from fermented orange peels. He also used some juice powder called Tang. And once he was over at my apartment and stole my Tang powder in the kitchen cupboard. I caught him and my Dad said he did it because orange powder juice is unhealthy and I as an adult should not have this in my cupboard anyway. I find it funny now- but not at the time!

    I actually never had a Lorzapam or a whisky yet. I only want to drink when i am in a good mood. I just had a nap for 4 hours and do feel better. Part of me was upset because I invested so much time lately in 'beauty care' for women trying to find some way to make my partner want to spend more time with me. But looks like he remains on his same routine whether I style my hair fancy or not. He comes over once a week to claim his territory like a seasoned Tom cat. At this moment I really am emotionally immune to wanting to spend more time with him. But sometimes it hurts. He just woke me up when he rang me saying he was coming over tonight. I said i already was in bed for the night -and then he asked if I was sick- I said no. And then he talked to me in the same voice would might speak to a cute puppy or kitten saying how he wanted to bring me an evening meal and spend time with me. He was saying it was good I slept all afternoon and how we all need to do that sometime. At this point i am not feeling good things or bad things. Just- it is what it is kind of thing.

    My racing homer is of wild stock! My friend knew someone with a loft of 11 pigeons and wanted to rehome those birds to get out of pigeons all together. So that person had taken all the eggs away from the birds who laid some during a blizzard in March. And my friend grabbed one of the eggs from the bin.. And gave the egg to me. I put the egg on my bookshelf- and the chick hatched! I never even seen a baby pigeon before. I questioned the kind of bird it even was because it was a yellow kind of coarse fluffied chick. But he grew into a very long legged pure white pigeon. His eyes are blue which I hear is rare for the type of pigeon he is. He honestly behaves like a puppy. Chases toys and gets so excited when I come home from work. At one point he was a touch aggressive and I had a dark speckle of bruises and cuts all over my ankles and feet from him. And he used to slap me hard in the face with his big early duck length wing! But now that he is a year old he has that out of his system and just wants to 'court me'. I get elaborate dances and lengthy soothing songs and quite often he will present me with a twig like he is quite proud of his gift. He only wing snaps my boyfriend now. But even my boyfriend things he quite an amazing pet. The friend who gave me the egg passed away a few weeks after the pigeon had hatched. So this birdie is an extra special way to remember my friend who passed away too. His widow said it made her very happy to see photos and videos of this bird because she knows her husband is why this pigeon is even here! In the beginning I was worried about 'cusody rights' because I would not give my pigeon up even if she asked me. But she never has- she just is made happy knowing what a beautiful boy he grew up to be. My pigeon likes to gently preen me and makes them sweetest softest noises to me. There is the stereo typical sounds we associate with these birds- but there is a lot more sounds and language to them you learn if you raise them from birth! I work with large animals and never dreamed on a million years I would belong to a pigeon!❤️ I never took much notice of pigeons before.

    But there is one small forshadowing - many years ago I had a best friend who was male. He lived in Ireland and loved his dog and he really was my best friend. Life took us in different directions but when I was 30 and single - he contacted me saying he loved me all those years and wanted to get married. Well I had not seen him in 10 years! And as we were getting to know each other again I found out he would shoot pigeons dead in his barn. And enjoy it. That is why I said no to him. If he said he had a pest problem and had to do this then things might have been different. But saying he liked to do it- just rubbed me the wrong way even though I never even knew a pigeon at that point. And here I am now with my amazing unexpected pet pigeon! And he is married with a child. 😋 I still choose my pigeon!❤️🐦❤️😋

  • Maybe it's time to look for another bf Aspen? He sounds like a bit of a dead loss who will never leave mummy. Bev x

  • There used to be plenty of fish in the sea- but now they are waning off in age. 😋 I ended up,spending the evening with my boyfriend and pretty much decided I was glad he went home. We exchanged much needed medicinal back rubs and he brought food for me. And then I uncharacteristicly was hoping he was going to leave earlier than he did.

    You always hear of people clinging to apron strings but it is really strange knowing someone who is almost 50 and always lived at home. There is talk of his family needing to pay debts and sell their home for something smaller. But in that he still plans on living with his mom after that. I really don't get it. She will jingle her car keys at him and tell him it is time to take her shopping. And I patiently wait until he offers to take me shopping. They squabble like an old married couple.

    I have been in othe relationships where my partner wanted to spend time with me even if we did nothing but sit on the sofa and read books or do puzzles. Tonight was the first time in 3 years I thought maybe I would not like to do anything like this with my partner. We have never done anything like that before. When he said goodnight at the door he hugged me saying how we always will be together. I get the feeling he is happy with the way things are. But at times I feel like I am the mistress and he is married to the life with his mom and cat.

  • That's coz you are Aspen! :d x

  • Chilling thought😱 but sadly true. On our first date he showed me his cellphone wall paper with his manky Cat - and said 'some guys make theirs the picture of their girlfriend or some dumb ass thing like that...then he flashes his phone to me. Every so often he still does. Like I care about that mangy rat. I am lucky that cat does bite and scratch him- otherwise he would he would love it even more.😝 when he was greatly amused the cat farted 'on grandma' and said how they both laughed the way it swished its tail afterwords ... made me glad I wasn't there to share in 'the moment'.🙀

  • How bizarre! x

  • Atleast you agree with me! I could not laugh and find that funny.❤️

  • No it's not funny. It sounds rather sad to me. He is acting like a silly teenager. Are you sure he is an adult? :) Bev x

  • He is almost 50 years old. He never had showed an 'earthy side' to himself before. Normally his humour is not like this. I think the common denominator is the cat. It also is cute when it scratches and bites the vet apparently. The cat can do no wrong! They will spend literally hours searching for that cat who hides daily inside their very huge home. I am thinking -why? It will,come out for food or for the litterbox. I grew up with nice friendly cats whom loved everyone and didn't have rapid mood swings laced with clawing and biting. Last time I was at his house and he said we should go see that cat and I said no.

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