Alone or Not Alone

[Punky61]

I sit here wondering how I got here. But I know YES I Know. Wrong choices. To many wrong choices. I had a great paying job. Handsome man. Our own Condo.

Drugs got in the way. I lost my job. Sold our condo. Split up.

Spent all my money on drugs and that was the dumbest thing I ever did.

Now on disability. Chronic back pain, arthritis and fibromyalgia and more.

I live alone with my X as my best friend. We are together all the time. But as friends. We're both lonely for companionship, cuddling.

He has hinted many times that we should get married and make it perfect. Haha

I can not live with him. We fight / argue to much. Not physical no no no.

But as friends were better off. I been depressed lately and I worry he will tire of me. As I can't go out much with my pains. My back or legs can be painful abs unable to walk. Not all the time with the legs. I started medical weed oil. It's for my pain. Been great more or less. But it makes me sleepy or sometimes my legs feel

Like I have weights on them. From the oil. Don't last long.

If we get out and do more I think he will not think to leave. Maybe we're meant to be together. That's why he is still here and I have not looked for another man. I think I would feel

Guilty. I think he feels the same way. We help each other a lot. I loan him smokes or money but he always pays back. I trust him and he helps me in the house errands cooking dishes anything I want Done or need Done he is here for me.

So why do I feel

So alone so depressed so empty ??

[LoriMS61]

Hi Punky61 and welcome to the community. It sounds like you have had a hard time and have some decisions you need to make.

If you could imagine your ideal future, what would it contain? Would this man be a part of your life as a friend or a spouse? Do you both have a negative impact on one another?

Lori

[Photogeek]

Hi Punky and welcome here

I think it's not unusually for you to be feeling bad. As you say you made made choices and got into Drugs, which meant losing your home and job.

Now you gave health issues. -and chronic pain and health problems are Depressing.

We can't change the past, all you can do is think before you act and make sensible decisions that will be in line with your values. Think about where you want to be in life ? Do you want a drug free life then stay away from drugs and people who use drugs.

Only you can decide about your X BF , if you are stuck indoors too much, you can get Cabin fever etc, so try and get out of house, and try and avoid fighting over silly stuff.

Anyone can turn their life around. But you must want to and it probably won't be easy. Take all the support you can get from any Voluntary programs . I wish you luck and hope things work out for you.

Hannah

[Punky61 in reply to Photogeek]

Hi

Thank you for replying. The drugs have been OUT of my life for 8 years or so now. But that IS what caused me to make the many bad choices I am

Now paying for. I moved away from the city where I was born and live in the country. Any of the ppl I did meet up here have either moved or died. Now my X and I are yes have gotten cabin fever. Anything I want to do is so far away and costly.

I messed my world up. By rights I should be getting a great pension CHEQUE own my own condo and living a good life. I damaged that life !!

But just had to tell you the drugs are my past and what created my time now !!

It's harder to get moving with pain and to meet ppl isn't like as easy s when we were younger.

Thinking To move back to the city and hang around with my non drug using friends. Which they pretty much all do NOT use drugs. That was a crowd I sadly met.

K.

[Hidden]

Hi Punky nice to meet you. We all make bad choices in life and no one can say you wouldn't be feeling so alone if you hadn't. The only thing we can do is try and learn from our mistakes and carry on as best we can.

Have you seen a doctor? Are you on any meds and/or counselling? This might help. Bev x

[Matrix]

You need to

Forgive yourself and try and put the past in a box shut the lid tight. Have you seen the dr about being depressed? If not that would be a good move . Don't consider marriage or anything major until your mood is up . It's ok to have him as friend but for the time being that's all , really hope things improve x😇 Ps welcome x