I went back to the doctor and asked for help (again) I told him the mess I am on only help for a certain amount of time, (they make me drowsy so I sleep but come mid-morning I am a mess again) he consulted the mental health team and then changed one of the tablets that aren't meant for anxiety/depression!! I am still a mess and the cuts/scars show that, there doesn't seem to be any improvement or end in sight. I am being referred back to the access team (sure I'll end up in hospital) and still waiting for next level CBT to be arranged.
I try talking to the doctor and my boyfriend but he seems to think it's nothing, that it will go away by itself if I just think positively and improve my thoughts. I am negative all the time but not by choice. I am scared and anxious over everything and I just want it to be over. I have had enough of feeling like this and no one listening.
I am a different person to different people and I am tired of it all. I haven't told many people including my family what's going on because I just don't have the energy. They are of no support and always turn things back round to themselves. I would just be a source of conversation amongst them all.
My body hurts and my stomach/digestion is agony.
On top of it all I think my ME is rearing its ugly head again. No one really believes in that either which is just tickety-boo!
So fed up with the world I just want a break. I am battling myself with the need to harm!
I'm sorry to moan on but I have to get the thoughts out of my head to ease the messiness/fuzziness. I want to feel better or better still not be me anymore.
I am so miserable. Even if I am distracted for a few hours it comes back and ruins everything.
Written by
Lostinmyself
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It's not a moan at all, its how you feel and its fine to express yourself in a way that you feel able to. It is indeed a bugger when the medication makes you drowsy especially this time of year when the best part of the day is around noon. I have always found that having a target aim is the best thing. My one recently and nearly all the time is ... try to keep a level head... otherwise the access team will get me. Although this may seem strange but since I've done it I do seem to have a sense of achievement when they say okay that's it for today. I until recently never left my house due to anxiety, but with some cbt i am now able to manage to walk up to the shop and get a paper either first thing in the morning or last thing at night when no one is around. This small feat is such a happiness in my head. Perhaps you could aim for something, it doesn't matter how big or small. Partners and family are strange at understanding things and most of the time just brush it away, make sure you get time to air your views though. Its better out than in, everyone is allowed there opinion and I now just say it and then worry about it later.
Please take care... From one strange earthling Rob
If you feel your GP is not helping you might seriously consider seeing someone else from the practice or even changing altogether as I have found having an understanding GP is the most important factor in overcoming depression as they are my first port of call. xx
One thing you do have to remember is that YOU are the only one who can actually overcome your depression - your GP can give you meds and refer you to people but he can't make you feel better if those things don't work. A further thought - if you are cutting yourself (self-harming) then you might be able to find a voluntary agency in the nearest city that can offer you therapy, sometimes there are charities specialising in helping people who self-harm, so that would be worth a try. CBT can help with managing symptoms for some people but in order to understand WHY you self-harm and what prevents you from stopping in-depth psychotherapy is the only treatment that is likely to help you stop.
You COULD try using this website to understand WHY you self-harm as many of the people who use the site have either self-harmed themselves or have worked with people who do. Why not try writing about how you feel when you feel you want to harm yourself, you could also think about when you first began to self-harm, what was going on for you and whether you were happy BEFORE you began. My guess is that there were some difficulties before you started, perhaps going back to your childhood experiences, so you could write about those so we can help you to understand - knowledge is power, the more you understand WHY the more likely you are to be able to alter your behaviour with the help of CBT
Try getting an appointment with your Mental Health Teams Consultant. I myself within the past week have been informed if I had seen another doctor then I wouldn't have been all over the place on my medication. I was bouncing off the walls one minute and the next in a real bad place. They found that my doctor instead of sorting out the cause was 90% involved in making my health worse as my body and brain where acting against the medication in a very bad way for over 3 years. I hope your CBT is going well and I would suggest some councilling to get to the point of why perhaps you are self harming, then perhaps you will be able to understand the issues surrounding it more
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Family could be any one..
Lost a love one today 
one dose of mirtazapine 1.25mg (title corrected)
Some strategies- one of my biggest struggles 
