Guess who has popped his ugly head up out of nowhere....the dreaded ex!!!!!!!!
I ignored his call a while back and i was strong and never messaged him or anything.
And then out of nowhere yesterday i gets a message off him "how are you doing love, hope your okay? x"
So me being me i text back saying "yeah im great ta....whos this?"
then straight away I gets a message saying "are you messing?! its me tom! x"
So i just ignored it...i only texed back to annoy him!
anyway ive just received another message off him saying...
"i suppose i expect you to not text back, but i just wanted to explain myself really. i still think about you, alot, n you deserve it more than anything else. im sorry im such a dick, i wish i wasnt x"
I think the reason its got to me so much is i dont want to know the reasons why he messed me about when we decided to give it another go. i guess im scared it was because he had another girl on the go etc. thats why i didnt answer his call...i thought the not knowing might be better for me to deal with than knowing the truth.
I want to text back and tell him how much i hate him, the anger i feel for putting me through this...someone that was so loving at the start, someone who i talked about marrying and havng kids with can treat me like some random slag hes picked up and not arsed about, im angry im still bothered by it all after all this time. i want him to know how much hes put me through but i dont want him to know its still affecting me. i feel like i cant say how happy i am with my life because then its like im not still hurting and he might feel better then.
im back at my old job...the place we met and was happy. I see people who knew me when i was with him. i bet they are all thinking awwww poor zoe. i seen the slag he started seeing straight after me today. 1st person i saw unfortunatly. i didnt even look at her....but i seen the girl i was talking to give her a look as if they had been expecting me.
i think im going to say "i dont want to hear it tom, the best thing you could do is to delete my number and never contact me again. im happy in my life when your not in it and i think after a year of shite i deserve a bit of happiness for once"
in reality i dont want to say that...i cant pin point why but i guess i know its because im ultimatly ending it by saying all that to him.
smear test come back last week as abnormal too....which i knew it would. why should i not have anything to worry about. why should i not be the 1 in 20 woman that get an abnormal result...of course its going to be me....its me!!
Dissertation due in this friday. nearly done....masters is nearly over. i get to go to london and see everything for one last time....feel like crying saying that.
sorry for not replying to everyone that replied to my last post. i appreciate your comments and always take everything on board. i went to leeds fest....where we had a months worth of rain in a day....obviouslt because i was there, a heatwave was predicted but no...it rained...as it does no matter where i go. people have even started noticing this and laughing....we said i have my own cartoon rain cloud following me around.
anyway....back to my dissertation....