Tired so very tired

have been having bad times of late , cant sleep, in so much pain my mind is in a sort of spinning wheel its like a weird sort of time travel kind of thing ! I am having funny dreams whilst awake (not funny ha ha) its like I am seeing my self from the outside looking in remembering things but not knowing if the memory is real or what I am imagining /dreaming! could be my pills and lack of sleep ! I am worried as well because the Lady from the "Well being"service(the counsellor Lady) is calling me again today I cant remember what time she will be calling! she sent a letter to my DR saying I had changed the F2F meeting but it was not me it was someone from her office changed it and I could not say if I could get someone to go with me just like that so he arranged for it to be a telephone session (I think it was any way) my daughter has not spoken to me and I know she is out of hospital now ! I have phoned every day to ask the hospital how she was , she wont answer her phone I am so angry that I am not man enough to be there for her! I really feel lost but dont want to tell the counsellor as I dont want her to think I am feeling sorry for myself I need to get things sorted properly so I can start to live again rather than just exist! damn its hard to be feeling like this so angry with myself ! I just dont know what to do I am so glad I can say what I feel here , I really hope I am not offending anyone as I ask for help but never give any back so I really apologise for that!

10 Replies

  • Hi, sorry you're going through a bad time at the moment. Feel for you as I am also not having a good day today.

    I'm not the best person to give advice on counselling as my experience is limited to two sessions with a university counsellor five years ago. But, the reason it was only two sessions was that I felt the same as you, there were things I didn't say because I thought they sounded melodramatic or self-pitying. Consequently my counsellor quite reasonably thought I was basically ok and didn't need more sessions, when in reality I wasn't anywhere near ok. But as I say I'm sure others will probably have far more useful advice.

    Don't feel bad about asking for help and support, we all go through times when we need more than we can give, that's perfectly natural and I'm sure nobody keeps score anyway. I hope your session with the counsellor goes well and helps you feel better :)

  • thank you I have 25 mins to wait now

  • Hi

    It sounds like you are feeling swamped with a mixture of emotions and at the moment it all feels too much, but once you have someone to talk things over with you will at least find you are able to think and feel calmer.

    It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment - you have someone calling, does that mean you have medication for a diagnosed mental illness? If so then do talk with the person when they come, it doesn't matter whether you remember the time, they'll appear when it's time so that's ok. Just try to chill and let yourself take care of yourself for a bit. If the meds are not suiting you do tell the medics about that so they can sort things for you. Feeling you are outside yourself, a kind of depersonalised feeling, can happen if meds don't suit you but can also be a symptom that needs a medics attention so if you have not seen a mental health worker or psychiatrist do ask the well being worker to refer you, it's scary but far better in the long term than struggling to understand the difference between reality and fantasy.

    If you feel able to let me know how you get on when the person has been that would be great, I should be online later.

    Take care,


  • hi Sue , I have a lot going on admittedly but normally I cope! I dont have a mental illness as such but have a fear of going out although I can go out accompanied,I am not a people person as i prefer my own company really! I was a heavy drinker but stopped when I was told I was drinking too much so was not even an alcoholic really! apparently I have agrophobia ,depression and anxiety attacks as well as PTSD(PTSD is the Dr s diagnosis NOT the Counsselors) I have many physical maladies ie osteo arthritis degenerative bone disease etc etc etc ! I also have a strange memory as its almost non existant for a bout 10 years of my life! I really messed up the counselling session yesterday as I was tired and tbh not with it at all! and am a bit worried I came accross all wrong!

  • Hi

    It's interesting to hear you say you do not have a mental illness as such but then describe the diagnoses - I can identify with that as I have been seriously depressed for a large part of my life but do not consider myself to be mentally ill. Good for you! I agree they are not illnesses, but are responses to things that have happened to you during your life. I also have memory loss for a lengthy period of my life and struggle recalling the sequence of events from other times too, it's a common response to trauma and fits with the PTSD diagnosis.

    What are you doing worrying about how you came across in counselling!! It's a space for you to say whatever you say at the time, there's no right and wrong and if you feel you made things sound differently from the way they are or were then you will have the chance to say that next time hopefully. Have you ever had any longer therapy? Counselling is really useful but a longer term therapy relationship can be the most helpful way of overcoming past trauma, especially when it has left gaps in memory - the difficulty is finding such therapy on the NHS because the cuts have meant therapies are so short term now which is sad and makes me and many mental health workers extremely angry. People need time to form a therapy relationship and begin to understand what has happened to them and sadly time seems to be lacking in health care now.

    You may find it helpful to begin writing your life story - I found that the most useful thing of all. I wrote it as if I was writing about someone else at first... Sue was born here... her parents were... but gradually I was able to take ownership of the history and say I was born... and my parents were... That process is very similar to the one that goes on within therapy and I found it really helpful to see my history in words and not just have the muddle of not being able to recall or just having the feelings. It's much easier to think about something we can read, it's possible to look at it and really think about it rather than getting lost in one's own thoughts.

    You might share some of the story here, or with some of us individually. I put a lot of my history on here at one stage and doing that helped me to feel a sense of dignity about having managed to survive it all and still not think of myself as mentally ill!

    Do write more, it helps me and everyone else when we share how we feel and share our stories.


  • Thank you Sue , the Counsellor has referred me to a "Stage 2"?? because I can not go to appointments and she does not do home visits and the phone thing is not working I thought it was but I am not a professional thats why I am worried ! Why did she refer me to someone else?? its a bit of a worry! my Daughter who lost her baby now has a blood clot on her neck! so its like the saying goes it all comes in threes! I just wish I could get to her and hold her tell her how much I love her, I lost one son 3 years ago and if anything happens to her i would be devastated!

  • Hi

    Oh that does sound hard about your daughter and on top of the death of your son! You must be worried. Is there anyone you can message and ask them to phone her on your behalf? It's not the same as talking to her but at least you can pass the message on.

    If you have been referred to stage 2 that's better I think because if your local services are like here then it means you may get a more thorough assessment. Do hang in there and hopefully you may be offered something more helpful and ongoing.

    I'm not a professional on her, just another person with depression and other difficulties! But a lot of my friends are in the mental health field and feel angry about the changes within the health service. I was just warning you that things have become tight. Hopefully you will find you are given something useful.

    You are doing really well to have beaten the drinking - pat yourself on the back for that!


  • Thank you Sue, I get more real feedback on here than anywhere else admittedly I talk about myself more openly here! I never feel safe talking to people in real life I suppose "what they dont know they cant use against you" kind of thing! I think this site is a really safe haven for folks like me proper anonmity and thank you again for taking the time to read and correspond with me!

  • It's no problem you know, it helps me to have contact with people too. Suex

  • hi hope all is well?? have been able to talk to my daughter on the phone but she is being very distant! understandable really she is still in hospital getting treatment for the clot on her neck , I think they have doped her up as she seems to wander when talking. will post tomorrow as I am going to try to ask DR to drop the stage 2 thing as its stressing me out I am worried they will think I am crazy or something! its all so strange to me am going to rest now so will post later or tomorrow!