I'm feeling low today but have just had a half hour burst of pure escapism listening to music from the 1950s on youtube. For a while it made me really happy, singing along to songs that I loved during my teens - I think people in care homes should have music from their era played as I'm sure that would help with their depression! Now I'm still smiling but feeling a bit low as well as I realise how meaningless it is to escape into things even though it was pleasurable. I can't win with life and depression!
This week I have therapy tomorrow, then see the CMHT on Thursday and I'm also waiting for a reply to my letters from my long term attachment figure. Lots of potential support and yet I feel low. I'm feeling quite anxious and ambivalent about seeing the person from the CMHT having read so many negative reports of other people's experiences. I tried googling the person I am seeing but he doesn't appear and my fantasy is that he will be some young well meaning lad who has been a social worker for a few years but that I will know more than he does and feel completely frustrated. Some of that may turn out to be true, but of course in reality I don't know what he will be like. I just feel nervous of feeling traumatised which I tend to feel when I am frustrated as a result of not feeling understood or more particularly of feeling blatantly misunderstood which it will be all too easy for him to do as my history and situation is complicated. I've written a two page resume which is comprehensive and clear and will take that with me so that I can refer to it and not end up leaving out relevant bits of information which paint a completely different picture of how I feel and why. I'm wanting to ask whether there are any sources of support locally as for a specific reason which I don't want to expand upon at this point I may need support later in the year, but my fear is that by going through the NHS I will be making things worse rather than better - I've always managed to keep myself within the private sector so far apart from asking to be referred to a specific very experienced person within a specialist service many years ago. Now I will be down as a mental health referral for general assessment and by someone unknown to me and perhaps inexperienced and that feels quite difference. I feel dependant upon someone without knowing who they may be and whether they are trustworthy in even the most basic sense. I know other people have written on here about having explained their problems and finding the response harmful, so feel very wary but at the same time don't want to cancel at the last minute as that will also look bad on my health record which may come back to hit me in the face at a later time. I wish I'd never contacted them in the first place! Probably it will turn out to be ok, I'm just nervous.
The music sounds fab! There's a medley of 1940's music on YouTube that my daughter loves! I'd love to show you the video of her dancing to it!
I understand your worries about not knowing who you might be seeing. I'm also waiting for a referral and I'm terrified that my best friend's hubby is a social worker who works in this field and I might end up being referred to him. I know he won't accept the case, but it does mean that he'll probably tell her.
I wouldn't read too much into other people's experiences. There are lots and lots of people out there and the CMHT that you see will probably be ace! X
No I'm feeling even worse today! I've had fantasies of cancelling the appointment tomorrow, going to therapy today and paying for a month then leaving because it's all useless, making a formal complaint about the person I write to because he hasn't replied, and even making a formal negligence claim against him - I'm feeling really anxious and panicky. I do have problems with trusting - I trust but then fear I was wrong to do so and need evidence that it was ok otherwise I readily become panicky and then go into a spiral of chaotic thinking and behaviours, searching all over the place for solutions and some way of dealing with things. It all relates to abandonment fears and distress from when I was a child I know, but even knowing that doesn't ease the panic and distress. I wish it wasn't so hard getting over childhood problems. I know other people are finding things similarly difficult. Life can be shitty sometimes.
Thanks again for responding. Once I stop writing I don't know what to do with myself at the moment, I just drop back into feeling low and panicky, the cycle starts all over again. I know Sarah that you will be able to identify with what I'm writing. How are you now? I hope you are feeling a bit better, I will have a look at your blogs now to see whether you've written anything lately.
I do hope you are feeling a little better now. I think we all get anxious in new situations and it doesn't help that we are over anxious anyway!! I get very anxious in new situations but I think so called 'normal' people do too. I think it's very important for us to remember this anxiety may be quite normal and just take small steps to get to that appointment. I was told by my psychologist to take small steps and not to look at the 'big picture' as it can be too scary. So break the whole thing down into small steps to make it acheivable for you. I wish you all the very best of luck. xx
Hope you are feeling a little bit better by now, I know new situations can be anxiety provoking too. Just try and take things day by day, even hour by hour.
Take care of yourself and remember that you are a strong person.
Hannah x
Hi Sue, good luck for tomorrow.
I too have trust issues & hold a lot back from CMHT but feel I need to stop & speak about how I really feel & why. Maybe if I do this I wont spend the next 20 yrs feeling as I have these past ones.
I'm sitting here feeling very anxious & nervous about my CPN who will be here at my home in an hours time.
I've so many things going on in my head & nearly wish they'd take me away & put me somewhere so I can escape all thats going on.
I'm very tearful too. I understand fully how you are feeling.
Lots of love & luck for tomorrow.
Jackie xx
in reply to
Hi,
Thanks for your good wishes Jackie. Thanks to years of therapy I don't have a problems sharing how I am feeling - my problem is that sometimes people are not trustworthy and if they are in a position of power that can feel very hurtful and leave me feeling traumatised. Luckily the young boy (about 24)
Good luck for tomorrow Sue. I'm not surprised you are feeling so anxious - its the unknown isn't it? But you don't know what will happen and you might be pleasantly surprised. Don't let the fear of it stop you going coz you know you will regret it.
So gird your loins Sue and be brave. You are such a strong and positive person.
Will be thinking of you. Lots of hugs ((((((((Sue))))))
I'm sorry things are bad for you today, it's kind of you to take the trouble of wishing me well.
Things went fine today, no use but no threat either, just a waste of time really. A young lad who wasn't more than 25 and felt like he's just come out of college, and six weeks CBT on offer if I want it but since I'm already in therapy and they like to keep their outcome figures I will have to re-refer myself later. I shan't bother but will go private since I can probably afford to pay for that and the quality of care is better. Oh well, it helped at the time to feel I could phone. Now today I'm feeling a bit more in control because I've realised that running to other people in the hope of getting more help than is realistic is setting myself up for disappointment, so now I am wanting to take a bit more control over my destiny. Who knows what I'll feel in the morning but at least I've stopped crying. I sobbed for hours this morning.
If you want to write anything about how you feel I'll be happy to hear from you whenever you need to, you know that. Otherwise take care. I hope you are not self-harming and are bathing and eating. Is that your daughter in the photo? She looks lovely.
oh dear it didnt go well and someone so young too i always find that difficult because how much of life can they really know its a shame that you feel you have to go private to get better care but at least your in a position to do it. i dont think its running to people for help thats the disappointment its when they fail you or maybe thats just how i feel. good for you tho for wanting to take more control and so someone told me maybe it was you a good cry can do you good.
i took the carpet up from the stairs and landing to stop myself from spending days at a time there now its my bed i spend days at a time in but better for my blood pressure. i just dont go out then there is no risk of picking up strangers luckily i never caught anything last time just a few burns and a broken eye socket. i try my hardest not to sh but its too hard sometimes i need a release i try to go in the bath at least every other day. food is a problem still feel like it gets stuck or makes me sick i have lost 3 stone 10lbs since the middle of may. we have a meeting on tuesday me the cpn and my gp dont know what for was just informed at half 4 today. i know my gp is trying to get me admitted but i told her on tuesday there is no need
now i have rambled i hope your ok today and no shes not mine its my friends little girl summer
I agree absolutely that the disappointment is when they fail you and because I expected not to find the CMHT much help in my particular situation I was not surprised they were not, although I was surprised by the age of the assessor - he was a baby! I would have thought best practice would be to have a skilled assessor who could advise the correct treatment rather than have a novice shove everyone through the same process. It's a waste of NHS resources!
15 minutes is inadequate to understand someone's problems sufficiently to recommend a suitable treatment! I am a fully trained therapist with psychiatric experience and an hour feels too short for some patients, psychiatrists usually take an hour for a first assessment unless someone is in crisis when you can tell fairly quickly what's wrong e.g. if they are psychotic or in the middle of a panic attack or binge drinking!
I find secondary NHS services are superb and some GPs are fine but overworked, but most front line workers are so over-stretched that it's only the least experienced who see people until the problem has become a problem for society. It's such a shame. It was the same situation when I was a social worker 30 years ago but now with the recession it is worse because of the cuts to services.
GOOD! I'm glad you are in your bed rather than on the stairs. However awful that sounds at least it is more comfortable and when you sleep you can sleep properly some of the time. You are obviously still having a hard time but it sounds as though you are more able to take minimal care of yourself now with the bath and thinking about your BP which is good as you are worth taking care of. I wish I could adopt you but I can't and if I did probably you'd end up hating me because I would be so imperfect (smile).
It is sad that you cannot see a need to be admitted if you are losing weight so very rapidly because that is really worrying and does suggest you need admitting. I guess that thought is scary.
I didn't realise the little girl is not yours. I wondered how she was being looked after but presumed she was staying with someone, a relative or friend.
I wonder what makes you pick up strangers? Do you have any idea? It's obviously sad and risky behaviour because they may have Aids or other diseases or may be a rapist or murderer. Even if they are ok people who just fancy a quickie it's still really sad because it suggests you don't know how to separate out love from picking people up. My fantasy is that you were abused as a child but I don't know whether that's true. I know you said there is an abuser who lives up the road from you and if he started abusing you very early then you will not know how to protect yourself from risk other than by totally withdrawing from most of life. It's hard getting over abuse but there are some really good services around, especially for women who have been sexually abused. It must present a problem for you in not wanting to go out because of the abuser living near - I wonder whether it is possible for you to be rehoused in some way, that would be the most obvious solution although it's not easy. At least then you could feel safe from that person and could begin to keep yourself safe from other risks one at a time. Your psychiatrist could recommend a housing transfer on mental health grounds, I did that for a client and it transformed her life to be away from the source of her fears. You might ask the psychiatrist, but do tell him honestly about how you feel, people can't help you if they do not know what is wrong - sometimes if you tell them they still won't or can't help but at least you give them the possibility.
I really value your support online as do other people I'm sure. It's really kind of you to think of other people when you are obviously feeling so crap about yourself and your own life. If you let us we can support you too and although we can't make the actual changes for you we can perhaps give you some ideas and the emotional support to carry them through.
I sobbed for hours yesterday morning too, but have now also taken a bit more control and decided not to write any more to the person whose reply I was so distressingly waiting for - I will still ask to see him later in the year but for now I'm feeling a lot better for having taken care of myself.
glad the workmen have been and that your sounding so positive.
i agree what are you going to learn about someone in 15 minutes maybe their name. it has taken from may until today for me to even sit in the same room as my cpn and then i managed 5 minutes but still progress apparently.
i thought my finally moving my base camp would make you smile i did faint and go head first down the stairs tho before i did it. i emptied my room so there is no where for anyone to hide. i have gone to the other extreme now and i am never out of the bath i have had 2 already today. im not having alot of choice where my bp is concerned i faint at least twice a day now wether its lack of food or my heart i dont know but im going to look good going to the drs with 2 black eyes and a bruised forehead this afternoon.
you wouldnt want to adopt me even my own parents and then foster parents never seemed to want to keep hold of me when i was younger i think you would soon change your mind lol
i have to start keeping a food diary today as i have lost another 6lb this week they have even been on about eating disorders this morning. i couldnt be admitted too much noise and too many people i would never be able to keep myself safe and i dont trust them they could give me any sort of pills.
picking up strangers i dont intentionally go out with that in my mind i go to dance end up drunk and taking any drugs on offer then wake up in a strange bed the next day. when i did it last week i lost a whole 2 days still cant fully remember what happened now just that i was sore. my gp wants me to have tests but i dont want them touching me.
i hate the fact that its so obvious that i was abused as a child first by my stepdad then i was passed round a peadophile ring. my stepdad lives a street away from my cpns office which is why he always visits at home. i would never have moved to this area if he had lived here. i can never talk about what he did to me i never even gave the police the full story. he has tried to add me on facebook so like a fool i tyed his name into google i know everything now even what he paid for his house and i now have his house number. i sat watching his house the other day before i do anything to myself i want to talk to him.
summer is lauras little girl who came this morning before school just to tell me she loves me 5 going on 55 bless her im lucky in that sense no children to consider and plan for.
reading back what i have wrote and in my last blogs im seriously considering letting them admit me so long as its a single room i suppose its going to be better in the long run to go voluntary.
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This is less important than it feels, but I'd love some supportive words, please!
What's wrong with me? 
Good Morning Everyone
non consensual, drunk sex and his consequences on my mind
Spoke with my doctor yesterday.
