Thanks to everyone on here for advice, tips, support and humour. I would have quit at least twice without this forum.
As it is - I did it!
Couch to 5K in 9 weeks.
I couldn't stay asleep this morning. The birds outside woke me up and I eventually came downstairs at five to five (it felt like Christmas, only the fat man with the beard was off on a run rather than delivering presents).
The roads were incredibly quiet as I set off (who'd have think it?).
A different route today. It still wasn't easy, but managed to plan it so I finished on a nice flat bit so I could perfect my "sprint" finish. This got me just over the line of 5K (5.05km to be precise).
Now I just have to keep it going. I'm going to do a few more routes of 30 minute runs and have a park run planned for a fortnight's time. I may even treat myself to some proper running gear if I can squeeze my flab in to some lycra.
Once again, thanks to everyone for everything; this forum is the most positive and useful place on t'internet.
Good luck to all on your own journey. Keep plugging away - it's worth it.