Context: my work has peaks and troughs and the past three weeks are the biggest peak of the year. So much so that I’ve not been making people cups of tea but barking orders at them. Even my bosses. (MBTI INTJ - if those letters mean anything to you, you’ll understand.)So at short notice I’ve booked 10 days leave.
Also my family life continues to be challenging and I spent yesterday trying to hydrate for today whilst generally feeling a bit sorry for myself. I needed cheering up so I flipped through the films I’ve recorded but not watched. Something light and cheery. Which is how I recall Forrest Gump being. It must be a long time since I watched it! 😢 Went to bed a bit of an emotional wreck.
Anyway, up with the lark. Risk of rain and heat through today. Check the weather apps and see that 7am ish is the best time to run. Shave my chin and brush my teeth, running gear on, new playlist at the ready, come on, Jo Whiley, let’s do this!
Tail wind out. Warm up walk brisk to “American Idiot” and “All the small things”, getting the heart pumping.
Running starts and something is clearly wrong. No tightness in my calves. Thank you, foam roller!
But there is a tightness across my back and my chest, like when you feel the need to “crack” your knuckles. Crack! Something in my middle back clicked and took the very centre of my rib cage with it. Spent the rest of the run wondering whether this was an injury or what a mild heart attack feels like - never knowingly under-dramatic!
I’m motoring along when the usual heaving breath starts and the doubt begins. About 7 mins in today, which is something of a record. (Unfortunately this last the next 12 minutes or so.) For some reason I just can’t focus on the run or the music and I am stuck in my thoughts. “I can’t do this. I am going to die. If I just stop, no one will know. I can run again tomorrow instead.”
I reach the road sign that marked halfway last run. Look at my watch - a whole minute left to run. Now I’m thinking I’ve gone to fast, and part of that 12 minute doubt time was thinking I’ll never make it back home!
I cross the road (never before...) and turn back for home a minute early. This is part of the quitting mentality - the sooner I turn the sooner it will end! I run on and notice that I’ve been so worried about the fast speed that I’ve forgotten about my breath and my chest and quitting. I’m still at a reasonable pace and still running. I can do this.
The rest of the run was hard work. I didn’t come close to stopping but I was very very slow, grinding out the steps. The corner at the top of Sirens Hill has a headwind that almost stopped me, cartoon legs running and body suspended in space.
The run ends much more than 5 minutes walk from home - the first half was clearly much faster (and wind assisted) than the second (wind hampered).
Walking back I’m feeling pride for the first time. That was a hard run. No high, no calmness at all. But I’m really pleased I got there in the end, despite the demons doing their worst.
That was my 3rd run in 5 days, which may also be a factor in how hard I found it. As keen as I am to graduate, I am giving it a two day rest before my next run so I aim to finish Wednesday morning. That the leaves 2 days rest before my first Parkrun next weekend.
Whatever run you are doing next, enjoy it. And don’t listen to that part of your mind that wants you back on the couch x
Written by
Jay66UK
Graduate
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Well done Jay. Sounded a gutsy session for you. But that special podium is just around the corner. Get a few days of R&R in and you'll be fine. Bookies' odds are looking really promising!!
Thank you - I'm going to think of the young teenage girl who encouraged me to keep going at the end of Parkrun yesterday if I feel like stopping again. It's really touched me as she didn't have to help me. Her saying "come on we're nearly there" is all that stopped me giving up totally and walking to the line x
What a great write up, this is pretty much everything l go through. The mental challenge is the worse, but when you graduate you may have more confidence in yourself. You're so nearly there. I had an bad wk9 run 1and 2 and thought l'd have to repeat the week but run 3 was great. Keep battling on, it's definitely worth it ☺
Sometimes the most satisfying runs are the ones that challenge us most. I often struggle through because I now KNOW that I will feel great in my post run smug time 😊
You are doing really well and I think running might just change your life!
It has already. I’ve got my confidence and my mojo back and I’ve recognised that the little voice that tells me I can’t run is the same little voice that has given me social anxiety all these years. And I’m sick of it!
The post run smugness has landed and I feel amazing!
Funny how when we started out, all we thought about was the actual running. Now we’re nearly finished we’ve all discovered that it’s the head we should really worry about!!
In other things in my life , I’ve kind of thought” well I tried, gave it a go but it’s not for me so will pack in”. This is the first thing that I’ve been determined to finish and we’ re so nearly there- especially you. Can’t wait to see you on the podium on Wed. Enjoy the rest days- you’ve earned them. X
That sounded tough! But you did It! Only one run to go...!
I've been taking an extra rest day in week 8. Just seemed to need to. Real life is making these last few runs hard to fit in! I run with my sister so we both need to be free.
Well done Jay. An inspiration yet again. Here I am thinking that I'm not going today - I'm going to the gym so no excuse really! But the humidity is not good for my head so I was thinking maybe I shouldn't go. You, my friend, have spurred me on. I can and I will. We got this.
I struggle with Sundays. Feel like I should be at home getting stuff done or spending time with family rather than going to the gym. Once I've graduated & the weather is cooler I will probably run outside on a Sunday morning rather than go to the gym. Thanks again for your support. I hope your family struggles improve.
I’m glad you mentioned the voice and the feeling of impending death as I had that on week 5 run 2 and am already panicking about the 20 minute run on run 3
I’ve looked back at my numbers today and I ran much faster than I have before. This is why I struggled - my legs are up to it but my heart and lungs haven’t got there yet.
Take the run as slowly as you can and you will make it - every step you’ve taken in the runs so far are building you towards this next one. Relax and enjoy it.
Sounds like you are having a challenging time in your life at the moment. But on the positive side the podium is in sight, so very close! Good luck with the park run 👍
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