Hiding around the Corner

[Fishypieface]

Gremlins that is, not Mr and Mrs Spaniels this time. Yesterday, I woke at 5.30am rolled over for 5 mins, next thing I know it’s 6.36am and the lovely Sarah M has already completed the warm up walk without me. ‘Come on Pet, yer laggin’ behind.’ So I stumbled into my clothes, quickly glugged down some water. Never again will I do this, as it spent the next 30 minutes trying to come back up again.

Downside of being late - I only had time for 25 mins running time, upside - Mr and Mrs Spaniels had gone from the rec. I won’t see them until next week if I run on Sat instead of Fri. But I might choose Fri if it suits me (Ooooo, get me now!) and I can actually rake myself out of bed now it’s dark in the morning. I seemed to have turned into a hedgehog.

I wish running was simple and straight forward. It should be that way, right? After all it’s only the action of putting one foot in front of the other for half an hour. It’s just exercise. Why do I find it such an emotional upheaval? Is it a woman thing? Do blokes just get out there and run, not thinking about anything else?

I am hyper-emotional (I’ll just make up my own terms). I might cry about that snail I just crunched into the ground if I think about it long enough (sorry snail!). It’s like every emotional nerve ending I have is plugged into the ether the moment I set foot outside the front door - in my running clothes. I am a relatively normal human being when dressed in everyday clothes (but don’t look too closely). Just one that might crumble a bit if you poke me too hard.

Everything about running seems contradictory: the overarching feeling I have about it - if you asked me - is that I love it, but at the time I hate it; it’s really hard - but I can’t wait to get back out on the next run, only to hate it! I feel so self conscious about the way I look, how I breathe (I literally grunt at times to get through it), how I run; but I can’t wait to do it again.

I can’t get my head around it, I’m worn out & drained with all this over thinking. I guess I hadn’t bargained on it exhausting the old noggin side of things. I don’t want to be that person who jacks it all in, I want to carry on. I’ve come this far and learnt so much about life, myself, perspective. Things I really didn’t expect to gain from starting this and that I am so grateful for. And other people’s journeys have been so inspiring, enlightening, heartwarming, hilarious, humbling. This community is just phenomenal and one of the very best things about c25k.

I suppose I feel at my most vulnerable when I am jogging (apart from maybe now!), putting myself out there is a really big deal for me. I wish I could get over myself, for God’s sake woman!!! I need to build up a shell just like that poor old snail. And not give a toss. And I suppose the only way to do that is to keep going. I thought the hardest part was over, when I graduated 2 months ago. I guess I got that wrong too!

You lovely lot have given me so much emotional support already - I’m not writing this to seek out more. There’s a limit to what anyone can say. I have to work this out on my own. I just needed to vent, get it out in the open, not bottled up. And maybe it’ll help someone else feeling the same way (or am I the only nutter?!).

I need a Worzel Gummidge running head, if anyone’s got one going spare?

I

[GingerBohemian Graduate]

What you love is how it makes you feel.

What you hate is how you think others see you and perceive you.

I'll let you into a secret. They are likely jealous. Jealous that you are out there doing it. Jealous that you have the confidence and strength to go out there in public and run. They are wishing there were as strong and confident as you.

The other group of people are sport/fitness people and they are thinking 'Good for you girl' and wishing that they were doing their sport as well at that particular moment.

enjoy the moment and also be proud of the fact that you are likely empowering others to maybe go out and do something as well.

[Fishypieface Graduate in reply to GingerBohemian]

Thank you that all makes great sense. Just have to keep on going

[HeadInTheClouds Graduate]

Well this is a good look, sitting at work with mascara down my face from sobbing..!!

I'm getting in my car, driving to wherever you are and I'm going to run by your side. I will move the snails out of your path and punch Mrs Spaniels (really hard) if she even just looks at you..!! You don't need or deserve these gremlins.

Never beat yourself up for being you. You are fantastic, with THE most wonderful sense of humour and the balls of.... well, I don't know.... something that has incredibly big balls..!! 🙄

Look at what you're achieving day by day and feel proud of YOU. You are awesome..!!

Oh, by the way, I'm only running for 3 minutes straight right now so I might need a piggy back the rest of the way..!! 😂

[Fishypieface Graduate in reply to HeadInTheClouds]

Ha haaa! Thanks so much for cheering me up and making me snort with laughter! Sorry, I didn't intend to make you cry at all.

It's something I need to work through and get over. Gradually, I really hope I can. I just wondered whether anyone else felt similarly.

I definitely need to grow a pair!! That's going on another t-shirt!

Thanks for being so kind and supportive x

[HeadInTheClouds Graduate in reply to Fishypieface]

Haha, you made me snort in your previous post about moonwalking through a turd...!!! 😂😂

Please don't apologise for making me cry. I cry because I admire your achievements and will to succeed.

Yes, I believe everyone is apprehensive and feels vulnerable when they step out of their comfort zone - and that's what you have done. It is early days and it will take a bit of time to feel comfortable and confident in your new routine. During week 1 of C25K did you believe that you could run as far as you can now..??

You will get over it, you ARE getting over it - with every step you take - with every "Hello" you so willingly offer to Mr and Mrs Spaniels (cow).

You don't need to grow a pair - you already have a pair. You just need to get them out and show them to the world...!!!

"Don't mess with me, I have hidden balls" ... Now there's a T-Shirt 😂😂

[Fishypieface Graduate in reply to HeadInTheClouds]

Oh my, you are hilarious! Love it, I'll definitely get given a wide berth with that for a t-shirt!! Perfect! Thanks for all the wise words I really appreciate them. I hope you are enjoying your c25k. As much as I find it hard now, doing it was so pleasing to gradually build up time, it's a very exciting thing to achieve. Good luck!

[HeadInTheClouds Graduate in reply to Fishypieface]

Haha, see, every cloud really does have a silver lining 😂

You are more than welcome.

I am loving c25k, surprisingly. The thought of ever moving beyond a strolling pace was horrifying (I've never even run to loo)..!! But turning 50 really gives you an "Oh shit" reality check 😳

Good luck to you too lovely 😊

[Hidden]

Running just can affect you emotionally it just does and I don't think its just a female thing either.

But every time you put yourself out there your snail shell gets that little bit tougher, but then sometimes it's a run or a day or any silly little incident that can get under your shell.

But if it isn't killing you it's making you tougher.

You are a tough runner...

[Fishypieface Graduate]

Too true, thanks for saying it - there's another t shirt right there! I'm a bit behind in the getting out there stakes, so it's gonna be tough to start. x

[Oldfloss Administrator Graduate]

GingerBohemian has put it into words...

You are amazing..yes..... YOU!!!

Embrace the world around you.. yes, even the gremlins.....even Mr and Mrs Spaniels....they are part of what makes you strong...

Cry on your runs...laugh on your runs, sing on your runs, shout out loud on your runs.... I have done all of those things... still do sometimes...stand still after a run and look up and imagine and feel the whole universe rolling around you and YOU, you are part of it Every little part of you...heart and soul.

This programme is , as we say many times, not just about running... it is about learning about ourselves and how truly amazing we are.

Your journey is unique... and it is truly wonderful... accept it

The only nutter.. you have to be joking.. check out some of my past posts!!!

I was, the Original Grey Snail... and we totally rock... your shell will harden, but never,ever let it disguise or hide the YOU inside!!!

"No one is YOU... and that, is your super-power"

[Fishypieface Graduate in reply to Oldfloss]

Thank you wise words. I need to find the wonder in it. You are really good at doing that. I will give it a go on my next run. It's all in the mindset I know!

[skysue16 Graduate]

What an honest, brave post - you are courageously facing your fears and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing in such a beautiful way I admire your strength.

Regarding your desire for a 'Worzel Gummidge running head'.......I also tend to over think things and worry about things generally. Have you tried trail running? I find the concentration needed to negotiate uneven terrain helps focus my mind. Also, the beauty and variety of the landscape is uplifting and I find that I really am 'in the moment', like a sort of meditation while moving (I am not explaining this very well !).

Wishing you all the best, keep going and keep posting 😊

[Fishypieface Graduate in reply to skysue16]

Thank you I love the sound of trail running! Very well explained Will definitely look into that - could my my new thing!

[Bluebirdrunner Graduate]

What a moving, truthful and hilarious post this is, and wonderful replies..😄

You keep on being just you fishypieface, you are a warm and amazing lady and I'm not in the least bit surprised now at your sheer determination to Graduate C25k by running up and down your garden.

Keep running round that rec you are brilliant.😊xx

[Fishypieface Graduate in reply to Bluebirdrunner]

I did it today, bl**dy hard work!! Still waiting for it to get easier!!! Might be a long wait Thanks for being so kind x

[Wizziewood]

You're not the only one!

You are very brace to share this with us, I'm sure there will be many who are experiencing similar feelings.

Al I can say is keep running and you'll get there, I know you will.

Keep smiling, keep running, keep posting ... Good luck!

[Fishypieface Graduate in reply to Wizziewood]

Thank you, I am sure there are others who feel similarly (maybe not quite so weirdly though!) I keep thinking am I the only one?! All I can do is keep on trying, it's hard sometimes though