Didn't think I was gonna make it

[SillyLilly]

Good morning all! From the moment I stepped out the door this morning I knew this run was gonna be a struggle. The humidity was up and my energy and enthusiasm was low. I did my first wk 9 run yesterday and overall it went well. I felt strong. Today was another story, i had to fight for every minute. Maybe it was because I didn't take a rest day and my muscles felt tired or because I had nightmares all night long, nonetheless I pressed on. I used streets, houses, street signs as markers, anything, to reach that 30min. I told myself just make it to that street then if you need to you can stop. Well time after time I knew I had the option but refused to stop. Before I knew it I had one minute left. When Laura said I was done the relief I had was enormous. I had nothing left in my tank. It's funny how my mind wanders when I run. Some days I think of nothing but today it wouldn't stop. Negative thoughts mostly. ;( Running in the early morning darkness has advantages but the one thing I hate is seeing my shadow as I go under the street lights. What I see is disappointing. I see my shape (it looks larger than I feel especially after wks and wks of running), and I see my movement (it looks slow and a struggle). I try to divert my mind for the moment and remember I'm trying to do something about it. The odd person I pass along the way I greet with a friendly 'good morning' and I don't get a whole lot back from them. Maybe a nod or a mumble. I just wish one day one of these people would say to me "keep up the good work". Days like today I could have used that encouragement. I wonder what they think as I pass. I know I shouldn't care but I can't help but go there. It's days like today I could have used a running partner to keep my spirits up. It's days like today I want to go back to bed and start over. I don't know why I feel miserable..isn't running suppose to make you feel uplifted and in charge. Not today..I didn't think i was gonna make it..I did..big deal...grrr.

[Simmypie Graduate]

We've all had negative thoughts, runs that weren't great, or feel that we could have done better or that it should feel easier now.

You didn't give up and should be proud of what you have achieved since you started week 1.

It might not seem that your body has changed but if you saw a photo of yourself 9 weeks ago compared to now then I'm sure you would notice a difference.

Have a rest until you feel like you can smash the graduation run! Then come back and tell us how good it feels!

[SillyLilly Graduate in reply to Simmypie]

Thanks so much for the support. One more run to go to graduate. Just hoping once again this humidity drops. This summer has to be one of the most brutal times to start a running program. The humidity and heat have been a beast. I can't wait until consistent fall weather arrives.

[Vanessa291 Graduate]

I think you should give yourself a break. Be kind to you, you have done amazingly well. Now you are doing the longer runs you will start to notice the difference in your body. I think also you should've taken a rest day in between runs they are needed both for our physical and mental well being. I bet if you take a couple of days off then go out with a more relaxed view you will smash that last run. Just don't forget you are amazing! 😀

[lightweightkate Graduate]

Oh SillyLilly you have done brilliantly 👏 please don't be down 😀 We all have bad runs and yes you didn't have a rest day which probably contributed. Leave your graduation run for a couple of days if you can, hold your head high, remember how far you have come and go for it. Let us know when you are going and we will all be with you in spirit - keep at it . You can do this 😀 And as for the body thing - that is just a gremlin - shake that off and be proud - go for it 🏃

[melly4012 Graduate]

Sorry to hear you had a bad day. Try not to worry - we all have runs like that. I think you answered your own question anyway as having run 30 minutes two days in a row will really take its toll without a rest day for your muscles to recover. That's probably why the tank felt empty. I was needing two rest days by this point in the programme before I could even consider running again. We all have bad runs so please don't let it get you down.

I understand those thoughts sneaking their way into your head but please try to remember that it's just those pesky gremlins! Shadows always look bigger and disproportionate and people probably don't even notice you out running. Did you used to notice runners before you were a runner? Probably not, am I right? Anyone who does notice is probably thinking how brilliant it is that you are out running or wishing they could do the same. Keep your head up and remember how far you've come! You're nearly a C25k graduate!! That is AMAZING!!

[poppypug Graduate]

Cut yourself a bit of slack here Lilly and compare yourself now to the person you were 9 weeks ago. You have come so far, so stop being so hard on yourself

Is there any particular reason that you didn't take your rest day ?

We all have good runs and not so good runs, no matter who we are . Even Mo Farah and Paula can have right stinkers , it happens, its life , we've just got to put it behind us and move on . You went out and you ran for 30 minutes , that is a fantastic achievement , believe me.

Take a couple of days off and get out there and do your Graduation Run, you have done brilliantly ! xxx

[SillyLilly Graduate]

Thank you everyone for all your kindness and encouragement. xo I didn't take a rest day because just like last week I felt that if I didn't do it early in the week I would make excuses and not get it done. lol It's still a struggle to get up and do these long runs now. I can't say I have looked forward to any of them thus far. They are a workout indeed. I will take a rest day tomorrow. Mentally I need it. I'm just so hard on myself with everything in my life. I think running is a particular thorn in my side because my husband has been running for years. He does marathons/races all the time and surrounds himself with other runners. I see how he admires them all and I just want him to see me the same way. I kinda feel he enjoys their company more than mine. ;( His running has caused a lot of tension in our marriage because he was/is always out training or doing races. I want so badly to be a part of that part of his life even if I will never be as fast as him or be able to keep up. I want to find a common interest that is so desperately missing at the moment in our marriage. Yes i want to get healthy for me but I almost want this more for us if you know what i mean. Sorry for getting so personal but perhaps this helps you all understand my mood today. This whole running thing is so much more than just 'running' for me and days like today make me feel like i will never get there. I think I just need to get to bed early and sleep off this miserable mood and start fresh tomorrow. I'll let you know how my last run goes once it's completed. Have a good night all..thanks for being a shoulder to lean on today. xo

[poppypug Graduate]

Oh bless your heart Lily , I bet he is so proud of you .

Have a good nights rest , things can get us down more when we're tired . Sleep is a great healer .

Hope you feel better tomorrow xxx

[Twiglet78]

Week 9 that's brilliant! I'm still only on week 2 and I am so inspired by people like you. You have come so far but I bet it's easy to forget that when you are hating the run and feeling knackered. Well done, you deserve to feel very proud of yourself! Treat yourself to a graduation gift, ready for big day as a celebration of achievement. Retail therapy usually works for me.

[SillyLilly Graduate in reply to Twiglet78]

Thanks for the kind words. I've already scheduled a facial for Friday in celebration of my graduation.

[amalj Graduate]

You have done so well.. Keep it up... You will make it.. Don't give up... Yours will be a great success and motivating story All the very best...