Bitty. BITTY!!

NO! I'm not talking about the "Little Britain" sketch where David Walliams character asks to be breast fed AGED 40!! No, I am in fact talking about my run this morning......

The sun shone down on a beautiful June summers days. The river Thames looked gorgeous as the sunlight danced about on the water and loads of geese floated by squawking and shouting their heads off. I had decided to do 12K today because I'd missed out on one of my training runs owing to a slight hangover and being knackered. There was a good reason for this though - Mrs Dans and my 4th wedding anniversary. We celebrated with a bottle of prosecco in the garden, followed by dinner in the same garden, followed by more wine on the couch watching telly! As it was a school night we decided to take it 3am I was regretting the lake of wine I'd consumed - hence the following days run was cancelled forthwith.

This morning, Mrs Dan had made me a vegetable juice of sludge, which I swallowed whilst chewing some dried apricots. Before long I headed out the door and was off. My first regret was wearing my running leggings and not shorts. The air temp was pretty warm and my legs felt hot within 5 minutes. Too late to go back and change, I'd just have to get on with it. Luckily after about ten minutes running, I'd forgotten I was wearing anything at all!! My route today was from Richmond Lock to Kew Bridge, along the river the whole way, then back again. All I would hear would be birds......and planes coming in to land at Heathrow. but at least there wasn't any traffic noise.

I ran through a gang of dudes on a Hope For Children Walk. I guess it must be some charity or other, but they looked very cheery as I tonked along at a medium slow pace. I was feeling good at this stage - K1,2,3 and 4 were good. By K5 I'd reached "Oh so posh dahhhling" Kew Green! There was an Indian wedding going on at the entrance to the gardens and the colours were fantastic. Some of the ladies looked stunning whilst some of the non Indian male guests, dressed in Indian dress looked decidedly uncomfortable! It was warm and the sun beat down on me as I ran around the Green before heading back to the river path.

Tiredness began to set in. This was to be the beginning of a hellish second section. I stopped for a walk and took a drink from my bottle of diluted cranberry juice. Eventually I started running again and was immediately overtaken by a delicious slip of a thing with a ponytail and edible legs. She bounced along and whizzed past me leaving me to wonder how on Earth she was running so fast. It must be that she probably only weighed about 7 stone, therefore my extra bulk of 5 stone was the reason I was dragging myself along with zero grace. Edible Delicious Woman soon was out of sight and I was now into K6 feeling heavy as lead. Imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw her coming back towards me where she gave me the cutest, sweetest "phwwooarrr" of a smile. I managed a ghastly attempt to smile back through my pain and agony. She was probably thinking "God! That bloke looks fu**ed!"

I stopped again for a walk. This run was going to be very.....what's the word? Oh yes! BITTY! I took another swig from my bottle and imagined it to be an elixir which would power me to a glorious finish. Alas.....twas not to be. K8 was very draggy, but somehow I managed a bit of energy boost for K9. It was the best K of the 2nd half by far, because by the time I'd reached 10K I was ready to die.

"Ohhh Godddddd!! Another two feckin' kilometres to go. Ugh! I'll never make it"

Instead of turning right towards home, I turned left. I would run until my garmin beeped 11K then turn back home to complete the 12K route. I'm not kidding, I just wanted to be at home and in the jacuzzi. I hated this bit of the run. I cursed the fact I was so slow and SH*T. There was nothing funny about this at all......until I passed two women talking to each other on the final K homeward. As I approached them from behind, I was struck by the shapeliness of one of the girls posteriors. It was peach like and in her lycra leggings it said "Look at me. I'm a fantastic arse". Of course, being a gentleman I only briefly glanced at the beauteous, peach like bottom before running past. It was then I heard what "Bottom of The Year" was saying to her mate in a broad Scottish accent.

"Lemme tel youu! If I ayver have anothuh relayyyyyshun-ship, it'll be for MEEEE! That's gunna be wha' I'm aftuh!"

I wanted to question her logic here, because why would anyone ever want a relationship for anything other than oneself? But luckily, I was too busy to stop and chat. I had a 12K to finish for gawds sake!

12K bell rang at 1'16'57 and boy, was I glad it was over. I crawled home like a limp **** and moaned and groaned to Mrs Dan about it who said "At least you did it! Stop moaning!". She was right. Again.

Off to drink pink champagne now, at the place we got married in 2011. Then its up to town for a very expensive dinner at a posh restaurant on the river. All in honour of being married 4 years! Hooray!

Thanks for reading this report. I would love every run to be easy, fun and brilliant but alas, it rarely is. However I still get the smug feeling knowing that I've done something to make my life better and improve my health. Happy Weekend to one and all

yer pal



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34 Replies

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  • Enjoy the celebrations! Pity I'm not a publisher - I would offer you a chunky advance for a book of your posts! :)

    PS must be the day for meeting delicious things... While stretching at the end of my run I met two of them - tall and long legged lads that had just run up and down the hill from hell, and were going to go up again!!!

  • You see Dan Man Pet!!! Not just me that thinks yu shud write a book pet!!! :)

  • Ahhhh ToonLou! We could mek a fortune pet!

  • Oooooh get you! Go for it. And thank you for the "publisher" comment. That means a lot.

  • Happy anniversary to you and Mrs Dan!!! Hope that champers is going down well!! You've earned it!!! Fab post as always! And ta for the mention pet! I didn't realise it was you as I ran past! I would have said hi!!!! Hee hee!!! I wish! Don't think I will ever be classed as delicious woman when I run!!!!! Can dream!!!!

  • You are delicious to me Lou.

  • Aaaagh bless!!!! Ta canny lad!!!! ;)

  • Happy Anniversary Dan & Mrs Dan. Loved the description of the run, especially the delicious slip of a thing with edible legs. Ah, a chap can dream!

  • I know......I remember a line from that ":Naked Gun" movie - "She had the kinda legs you could suck on all day."


  • No me neither! Doesn't stop us though ey gal. No swishy pontytail for me. Sigh

    Lovely run report there Dan. I felt like I was there with you. Any run is better than no run, and better a less than perfect run, that none at all. Think yourself lucky to be out there flexing those legs and ogling the talent. Lucky boy!

    Slap-up din dins and wine lakes anorl. You're truly blessed. Have a lovely time with your marvellous missus. Cheers to you both and happy anniversary.

  • Thanks MW. How are you bearing up?

  • Happy Anniversary Dan and Mrs Dan!

    How is it I never see any gorgeous male runners to brighten up my runs? Probably something to do with my runs all being along farm tracks in the countryside - I only see rabbits, buzzards and the occasional deer. ๐Ÿ˜•

  • You should come and run in London. It's full to bursting with hot males in lycra shorts with YOUR name on them!!!

  • Booking my ticket!

  • Happy anniversary to you and mrs Dan. I know that feeling with your run. That run no matter what you do just will not come together. Good for you for sticking it out. 12km in that time is great enjoy your celebrations.

  • Thank you RFC. Appreciate that!

  • Happy Anniversary! Love the run report - love the recognition that some days, some parts of the run just do not generate that endorphin rush, but then, look how far we have come... a 12k just talked about as a matter of course. Enjoy the dinner and the champs - you've earned it.

  • Of course you are absolutely right. Thanks ASP.

  • Hey Dan!

    Happy anniversary to you and Mrs Dan! :) yes, definitely a publishing deal needed, i LOVE your post and sense of humour! well done on your bitty 12k and enjoy your celebrations! :)

  • Thank you for your most kind words dearest Aliboo!

  • you are MOST welcome! :)

  • Happy anniversary - sounds like you ran the tow path of the Richmond 10k I did, and bet the surface is what knackered you out. Have a great night tonight.

  • The surface is a bit knackering you are right!

  • Happy Anniversary to you and Mrs Dan ! I do like your posts, great powers of observation !!

  • Ahhhhh thank you GS. That's very kind of you to say.

  • Oh Dan what a superb post. 'It says we are human some runs are cack but even then there are some moments to celebrate. happy anniversary to you and mrs Dan

  • Yep, the sooner we all realise that there'll be ups as well as down, the better! Cheers Graham.

  • Hahaha great post, as ever, Dan :D Happy anniversary to you and Mrs Dan- slap up nosh and wine lakes sound good to me! Good to hear you're working your way back to your former fitness levels after the lurgy from Hell- your time was very respectable for a 12k, especially one with walking breaks. Well done m'dear x

  • Thanks AM. Annoyingly the lurgy cough is still causing me eye watering moments of air gasping, but I seem to be able to recover quickly. Whatever it was, I wish it would bu**er off!

  • Great post, made me laugh several times. I don't see many edible delicious women or peachy arses on my runs. Sounds better than the 60+ year old male power walker who is out at the same time as me .Guess they are not out at 6 in the morning. I might have to change my run time. Well done on the 12K! It seems a long way off for me at the moment!

  • Cheers Paul, sister of Ali. 12K is a f***ing long way and I'm slightly panicking at the fact that I've got a 16K to do in a week or so as part of my Half marathon training regime. But luckily I have organised a pace "beeatch" to run with, so she'll keep me tidy.

  • I need one of those. Sounds good!

  • Lovely blog! And are still in the flush of happiness and romantic love after 4 years... Long may it continue..... So was the bottom a ten ??? ๐Ÿ˜‹

  • 4 years married but 12 years together! Thanks Juju. By the way, the bottom was a big round TEN! Which luckily puts YOU at 11.......

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