NO! I'm not talking about the "Little Britain" sketch where David Walliams character asks to be breast fed AGED 40!! No, I am in fact talking about my run this morning......
The sun shone down on a beautiful June summers days. The river Thames looked gorgeous as the sunlight danced about on the water and loads of geese floated by squawking and shouting their heads off. I had decided to do 12K today because I'd missed out on one of my training runs owing to a slight hangover and being knackered. There was a good reason for this though - Mrs Dans and my 4th wedding anniversary. We celebrated with a bottle of prosecco in the garden, followed by dinner in the same garden, followed by more wine on the couch watching telly! As it was a school night we decided to take it easy......at 3am I was regretting the lake of wine I'd consumed - hence the following days run was cancelled forthwith.
This morning, Mrs Dan had made me a vegetable juice of sludge, which I swallowed whilst chewing some dried apricots. Before long I headed out the door and was off. My first regret was wearing my running leggings and not shorts. The air temp was pretty warm and my legs felt hot within 5 minutes. Too late to go back and change, I'd just have to get on with it. Luckily after about ten minutes running, I'd forgotten I was wearing anything at all!! My route today was from Richmond Lock to Kew Bridge, along the river the whole way, then back again. All I would hear would be birds......and planes coming in to land at Heathrow. but at least there wasn't any traffic noise.
I ran through a gang of dudes on a Hope For Children Walk. I guess it must be some charity or other, but they looked very cheery as I tonked along at a medium slow pace. I was feeling good at this stage - K1,2,3 and 4 were good. By K5 I'd reached "Oh so posh dahhhling" Kew Green! There was an Indian wedding going on at the entrance to the gardens and the colours were fantastic. Some of the ladies looked stunning whilst some of the non Indian male guests, dressed in Indian dress looked decidedly uncomfortable! It was warm and the sun beat down on me as I ran around the Green before heading back to the river path.
Tiredness began to set in. This was to be the beginning of a hellish second section. I stopped for a walk and took a drink from my bottle of diluted cranberry juice. Eventually I started running again and was immediately overtaken by a delicious slip of a thing with a ponytail and edible legs. She bounced along and whizzed past me leaving me to wonder how on Earth she was running so fast. It must be that she probably only weighed about 7 stone, therefore my extra bulk of 5 stone was the reason I was dragging myself along with zero grace. Edible Delicious Woman soon was out of sight and I was now into K6 feeling heavy as lead. Imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw her coming back towards me where she gave me the cutest, sweetest "phwwooarrr" of a smile. I managed a ghastly attempt to smile back through my pain and agony. She was probably thinking "God! That bloke looks fu**ed!"
I stopped again for a walk. This run was going to be very.....what's the word? Oh yes! BITTY! I took another swig from my bottle and imagined it to be an elixir which would power me to a glorious finish. Alas.....twas not to be. K8 was very draggy, but somehow I managed a bit of energy boost for K9. It was the best K of the 2nd half by far, because by the time I'd reached 10K I was ready to die.
"Ohhh Godddddd!! Another two feckin' kilometres to go. Ugh! I'll never make it"
Instead of turning right towards home, I turned left. I would run until my garmin beeped 11K then turn back home to complete the 12K route. I'm not kidding, I just wanted to be at home and in the jacuzzi. I hated this bit of the run. I cursed the fact I was so slow and SH*T. There was nothing funny about this at all......until I passed two women talking to each other on the final K homeward. As I approached them from behind, I was struck by the shapeliness of one of the girls posteriors. It was peach like and in her lycra leggings it said "Look at me. I'm a fantastic arse". Of course, being a gentleman I only briefly glanced at the beauteous, peach like bottom before running past. It was then I heard what "Bottom of The Year" was saying to her mate in a broad Scottish accent.
"Lemme tel youu! If I ayver have anothuh relayyyyyshun-ship, it'll be for MEEEE! That's gunna be wha' I'm aftuh!"
I wanted to question her logic here, because why would anyone ever want a relationship for anything other than oneself? But luckily, I was too busy to stop and chat. I had a 12K to finish for gawds sake!
12K bell rang at 1'16'57 and boy, was I glad it was over. I crawled home like a limp **** and moaned and groaned to Mrs Dan about it who said "At least you did it! Stop moaning!". She was right. Again.
Off to drink pink champagne now, at the place we got married in 2011. Then its up to town for a very expensive dinner at a posh restaurant on the river. All in honour of being married 4 years! Hooray!
Thanks for reading this report. I would love every run to be easy, fun and brilliant but alas, it rarely is. However I still get the smug feeling knowing that I've done something to make my life better and improve my health. Happy Weekend to one and all