marriage help - accepting love and compliments

[LUN754]

hi I’ve been married for 22 years to the person I consider to be my best friend. As I have gotten older , my disfigurement has become more pronounced (thanks gravity ) , and I am always extremely self conscious and sometimes afraid of going out in public. This is really hard on my husband. He tells me I am beautiful everyday , but it almost makes me feel angry when he does so - it feels like a lie. He is constantly reassuring me about my appearance , but is at a loss as to what else he can say or do. I am currently in counselling, and am just recently out of hospital for major depressive disorder and severe anxiety. My dr. seems to think that my negativity towards my appearance will get better as my depression gets better , but I am doubtful. My entire life, I have always felt so extremely anxious and self conscious about my appearance - even at home! I have allowed my feelings of self- loathing to keep me from doing the things in life that are enjoyable. I have a few close friends, and I rarely see them because of how I feel about myself. Anyway, does anyone have any advice on how to accept compliments , even if it feels like a lie, or as if it’s being said out of pity? My poor husband is at a loss as to what he can say or do to help me feel better , and so am I. I just cannot accept that someone could actually love me , looking the way I do . And all of these years , I have felt like my husband is too good for me . I know that the answer is that I must accept and love myself the way I am, but I just don’t know how! I have had tons of therapy and have read countless self-help books to no avail…. I just honestly hate what I see in the mirror, and I don’t feel like I deserve the love of those around me - and it’s wrecking my marriage. Please, if anyone has been through something similar , please share how you cope and manage life with these feelings. I would love to live a free life - for myself and for my family (we have an adult child with special needs as well) . Any advice is appreciated . Thanks in advance .

[Lemonqueen]

Hello LUN754, I am sorry to read about the difficulties you have. A counsellor once told me I should look in the mirror every day and tell myself, "I am beautiful!" I tried this, but would think, 'no I’m not'. There was too much focus on how I looked when I did this, so I stopped.

I too have let my insecurities affect my relationships. One almost partner, who I couldn't believe would be attracted to me, told me years afterwards, "when you didn't believe how I saw you, it was hurtful, you were calling me a liar. I saw the whole you, you focused on one part and let that get in the way of us." That hurt, as I had pushed him away and ruined my own chance at being happy, with someone who was a beautiful person. I got to thinking a lot about other people who loved me, friends, family, my daughter, why did I never question them when they said they loved me. And I realised it was because they see the whole me, and the whole me to them is beautiful. I would never 'inadvertently ' tell them they were lying and push them away and hurt them.

It seems to me your husband has been with you 22 years, he has truly earned the right to be believed when he tells you, he loves you and you are beautiful. He loves the whole you, your insecurities are yours. That is not to diminish how you feel about your looks, I am so sorry you feel how you do. For me, I had to start focusing on the whole me, I checked in with myself in my relationships, thought about what each saw in me. For children in the family, I was fun and they never questioned my looks, they had never seen me any different. I have social anxiety, so I joined in with social activities that have a focus other, such as voluntary work, or studying, this helped stop me from worrying how to talk to people, as the subject matter was already there, and I could take it at my own pace. I have had a career in children's rights, sometimes, initially, some children have made a comment, but as they get to know me, they forget about how I look, because I am good at what I do in fighting for their rights. Animals, love me, looks aren't important to them, how I treat them is.

What I am trying to say is, who you are as a person, and how you treat others is what really matters, including yourself. And you seem like an awesome person, and despite her difficulties, what a lucky daughter you have, to have such a loving and dedicated mom.

Try to think about yourself as a whole person. Think about when you don't believe your husband, how you are hurting him and pushing him away. Are you really saying he is a liar? Are you saying you only love him because of his looks? Of course you aren’t, and like him, you are so much more than looks.

Facially, I still don't like what I see in the mirror, but I focus on my eyes, windows to the soul. And you know, I see someone who has overcome a lot, who was brave enough to smile and let the world in, who is fun, loving, kind, caring, hardworking, and deserving of all the love I receive from others. And you are too. If I dwell on anything now, it is my wasted years spent wrapped in my own insecurities, how I pushed away a beautiful person, and spent years being unhappy, infecting others with my negativity. You deserve happiness, and so does your husband, accept you are more than looks, and that is what makes you beautiful. The rewards are better than the difficult journey you are experiencing by not accepting your husbands love, how difficult a journey that must be for him, but he thinks you are worth it. You have a difficult journey, and the hard work is yours. For me acceptance was that I don't like how I look, but like you, I was so much more, and that's why I was loved.

I wish you so much happiness and love, but it must start with you, and you loving you, and who you really are. 💗

[LUN754 in reply to Lemonqueen]

Thank you so much for your wise words. I am very grateful to have found this community. I am very lucky to have such an amazing partner, and I am working on trying to accept that maybe he has an amazing partner, too. I struggle greatly with self-respect, let alone self-love - I do have a history of childhood trauma that I believe at times affects me much more than my appearance. I was not protected when I should have been. Thank you again, Lemonqueen, for being willing to share your personal experience of how your relationships were affected in the past, and how you have evolved into seeing yourself as a "whole person". I hope I can get there myself, one day. Interestingly, I was actually doing fairly well with my self-perception until I started some deep trauma therapy .... Well, thanks again, from the bottom of my heart. Next time I feel I cannot accept my husband's kind words, I will try to reflect on the wisdom you have shared with me here.

[Lemonqueen in reply to LUN754]

I have only been here a short while myself, and also I am grateful for the support of others. Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you have so much trauma to deal with. Therapy opens so many wounds to enable the healing, you are so brave for all you are doing to overcome your difficulties, and is a reflection of what strength you have. I wish the best of success on your journey. I am sure we will chat again.