Hello. I am 45 years old and have lived with a facial difference in various forms for my whole life. I have mild facial asymmetry, and a malformed jaw which makes my chin hollow out a bit on one side. I also suffered from bad acne as a teen, some of which I still have on my face and back to this day. I have mild Acne scarring (I got off quite lucky there), but now , as I get older, I am developing a large amount of skin coloured lumps known as sebaceous hyperplasia. Lately , I have been suffering through a major bought of depression , so much so that I was hospitalized for about a month. While in hospital, I was verbally assaulted by a fellow patient who told me I had "warts all over my face". I collapsed with grief at this statement. I have been bullied, overlooked, rejected, and just treated "differently" my whole life.
I , along with my husband and best friend of 22 years, am raising my adult child with special needs. I have always tried to be a confident Mom and a good advocate for my daughter, but it has all been such a lonely and isolating experience. I had to remove my child from the public system and home school her due to severe bullying. I managed to "hold it all together" (more or less) for 18 years raising a child with complex needs, with a partner who works away from home. But in this last year (after my daughter had to have a major surgery), I just broke...
I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression my whole life - but I have never had a bout like this. Mental Health services is following up with me and I am on medication, but one thing I have never done is open up about how I feel about my appearance and how I feel it has held me back all of these years. I won't lie - I hate what I see in the mirror. I have read books about self-compassion and self-acceptance, but I still really struggle to accept my face - and I feel ashamed. I see so many brave people accepting their facial-difference and living brilliant , fulfilling lives while I hide in my home and feel fear. I am hoping that by joining this community and hearing others stories of triumph over similar feelings, that I can gain some inspiration to make positive changes in my own life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I am very grateful for any support .
Written by
LUN754
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12 Replies
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Hi Lun, and a warm welcome to you. Glad you found us!
Gosh, what a lot you have on your plate. Thats *A LOT* .... oh my goodness, where to start...
For starters, I find it so impressive that you have enough bravery and dignity to write so eloquently above what must be a very hard set of circumstances. Not everyone can, and not everyone wants to.....
Which implies you have a degree of resilience and strength there, and I would guess that like a lot of people who've been bullied in the past, that inner strength has been formed by those experiences.
And that is also hinted at by the fact that you have been able to raise a child with complex needs, possibly at times on your own if your husband is away a lot, and home school them? Goodness, that's an achievement. It also says that you are not afraid of a tough decision. The decision to home school can't have been easy. People might question it, yet you've taken it seeing it as the right decision for you.
I am glad you describe your husband as your best friend! I hope I am that to my wife! I hope to that you can share these things with him as hopefully, there is support there.
I am glad too that there is some treatment plan for the anxiety and depression. Remember that some degree of anxiety is normal. Its only when it become all consuming is it more problematic, so I am glad indeed that this is being addressed for you.
Anyway, who says you yourself aren't brave? Bravery is not jumping off cliffs on parachutes and stuff (that to me is stupidity, sorry skydivers!) Bravery is at times having the ability to do what your mind tells you you want to put off. The ability to ignore the occasional idiot who makes unwanted comments. What was wrong with that patient? Honestly ......
Hopefully you will find that as you are able to talk more and post more, you will feel more acceptance of things and calmer in your approach. Sometimes, a feeling of a lack of control (like the inability to stop the idiot making such unwanted abuse) can cause issues. I used to get this more in the past, where my lump is now known to have been cancerous. But then, I used humour and persona to deflect any abuse. Its not brave especially, I just decided that there was no value to me in what any abuser is doing. There is value to me though in being smart enough to deflect it.
So welcome again. Keep posting, it will be good to hear how you are getting on.
Hello LUN754 and a warm welcome to the Changing Faces community from me too. Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences here. It sounds like you've had a really challenging time with your visible difference over the years and I'm sorry to hear that you have suffered with anxiety and depression for so long.
The fact that limited support was available or accessible must have made it even harder for you. However, it's also clear as suggested by Circuitbreaker in his reply that you have developed a lot of resilience and skills through this journey and hopefully you have been able to utilise these skills to help you cope with the numerous difficulties you have come up against. It also sounds like you were fortunate to meet someone who you connected with and has been a long time friend, partner and companion and you have built a life together which is not only great but very rare and I'm sure has brought lots of times and reasons to celebrate and be grateful.
Well done for taking the step to start opening up and talk about your experiences of living life with a visible difference and your struggles, opening up about your feelings is one of the most effective ways to get the help and support you need! In our experience, getting support and being able to engage with it, can often be a matter of timing and readiness, perhaps it will help to hear that when you feel ready and decide you want to access further emotional support be sure that there is support available and you can explore what options might be helpful for you.
I'm also including a link to the self-help resources page on the Changing Faces website, just in case you think it might be helpful:changingfaces.org.uk/advice...
Hopefully, you'll find people to connect with and this community a helpful and safe place to hear from others and share your thoughts and feelings.
Thank you for sharing your life story, your struggles, and challenges, as well as the things you are carrying through to face your situation. It's amazing how you bounced back from so many setbacks affecting you and your daughter! You are an anonymous heroine (the real kind 😄), a real mom, and a person worthy of all the happy and pretty things the world has in store for you and your child.
...As you can see, this community here is about openness and sharing; we know we value people from the inside-out, not the other way around: like culture, society, and fearsome people in general have taught us to be. We know this because our outer marks and different appearances have made us stronger and much more special. It's not something we chose (nobody would!) but a hand dealt to us like it is. It is now our challenge to play it the best way we plan it to be.
Please keep us in the loop, and let us know how things are going for you. We will listen...
Thank you. I am really struggling right now. I realize that I have lived with this all of my life and I should be used to it by now, but I am not My appearance still holds me back from doing many things I might otherwise enjoy. It is so sad.
I hear you on this and...yes! I know it's a real bug!!! 😐 Those feelings can be overwhelming, and time-consuming, make us have tunnel vision, and take over us almost completely. So, we often wonder what else is out there to look for and find solutions to these problems...
And then we know there are things we can try...
I don't live in the UK, so I'm not familiar with the therapists and other support systems there, but I'm sure, so sure, you can find resources. As my dear colleague Eva pointed out: there are resources you can reach out to and it is so good you can explore options for support; there's also this wonderful link she sent you. I can tell you there's no limit to what ChangingFaces can do for people with visible differences! I hope you followed the link, any experiences there? any contacts? Please let me know if it was useful for you as it has been for so many people with visual differences and in need of some coping tips.
hi I’m sorry ur going through this . I am exactly the same right now and just cannot except the way I look . I don’t go out till it’s dark and hide from everyone .
Depression is killing me I hope you feel better soon.
I don’t see away out for me I quit my job because I cannot cope with the comments and staring
Hi . I am sorry you are going through this too. Hating the way you look is a hard way to live, and I understand the overwhelming depression. This is far from a fair world that we live in, and feeling isolated and rejected hurts to the core. I don't know if this helps at all, but I have been finding some solace in focusing on my actions and committing to doing something daily that reaffirms the importance of my existence. I try and do kind things for people when I can (which can be a struggle when people in general can be so unkind). Everyday is a struggle when you feel "trapped" in your own skin... but your appearance truly isn't all of you- no where close. Something that has helped me a great deal is watching and learning from others who have been through so much - not only in struggling with their physical appearance, but overcoming severe physical pain and hardship - their strength and determination inspires me. The depression can get better. I still struggle , but am in a much better place then even a few months ago. Keep reaching out to others who will understand what you are going through. There are people out there who understand and who will value you based on who you are - not your appearance. You are not alone.
Hi Steviej86 , welcome to the Changing Faces online community. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts here and how sorry I am to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Feeling as if you need to hide from everyone sounds hard and dealing with depression can be very challenging and I hope that you have access to support to help you get through this.
I can see that another member of our community has reached out and what LUN754 is suggesting about learning from others and getting inspired from their journey to overcome the difficulties in yours it's a great point and a good reminder to practice self-compassion and continue to look after yourself especially during the difficult times.
Hope you find this a helpful and safe space to keep sharing your thoughts and connect with others who might have had similar experiences to yours and hopefully feel less alone in your process.
I’m struggling with cptsd and it’s tough I used to have thick skin but now even a comment sends me in to a downward spiral. I am starting councilling this week so hopefully I can start feeling abit better.
Hi Stevie Hopefully counselling will help you, & that you find a therapist that you click with..
I suffer with the aftermath of trauma too (cptsd also) & I totally get just one little thing or action by someone can set off the alarm & a spiralling breakdown. It can be exhausting sometimes!
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My appearance still holds me back from doing many things I might otherwise enjoy. It is so sad. 
Living with a facial disfigurement
Growing up with a facial disfigurement 
Hello
Acne most of my life :(
Don from Australia
