I need help accepting myself

[DiegoMoCa]

I was born with a Port Wine Stain in my lower lip. Since I have memory it has been treated with laser, surgery and embolization.

With the time the lip and the area below it started to become much bigger than normal which bothered me much more than the red coloration.

Like 2 years ago I was offered a surgery covered by the insurance to reduce the lip size. It went pretty bad and was quite traumatic and ended up having to get another surgery, which luckily went better but also scared me psychologically.

I've decided not to get more surgeries because even if I end up looking better, I don't end up feeling better.

So I guess that what's left is to accept that I won't ever look "normal" and learn how to be confortable with my difference.

The problem is that I feel shame around it and it's really stressful. Not all the time but mostly around people my age, specially at university.

I also gave a small try to dating and ended up getting extremely frustrated and depressed. I've been trying to pretend I'm a "normal" person when in reality I'm not, I actually have it much harder in this area because on top of my malformation I also have autism.

I gave dating apps a try and that was the drop that spilled the glass. Seeing how my friends are meeting people while I can't get past the first stage of receiving likes. It makes me feel terrible about my appearance.

Maybe it doesn't seem like it but I actually believe I have good self-steem. I have a very good opinion of myself and I even enjoy looking myself in the mirror and I try to take care of my appearance. But what I'm noticing is that my self-steem is quite fragile and when I don't receive external validation I doubt myself and lose motivation.

That's why I feel that I should prioritize working on self acceptance and on growth before trying to find a special someone that will accept me.

If you have any book recommendations that could help me, that would be appreciated.

[Hidden]

well, Hello DiegoMoCa!

Its great to have you aboard! A very warm welcome to you/

You are SO right on accepting yourself before others will accept you, but the possibility is, people will accept you anyway!

BUT: if you don't, or find it hard to love yourself, then unwittingly you make it harder for others to love you too.

That DOES NOT MEAN anything here is your fault! far from it!

I find that people often treat others like the people that we ACT like we are, and NOT what we look like like.

If we project a warm, caring, compassionate personality, then people often respond to that.

AGAIN, I am not saying you don't. I am saying that when we have visible differences, as each of us do, we often assume negatives are due to that. And sometimes, yes that is the case.

But if you project the kind of personality people just want in their lives, then you may find yourself a hit!

You should be so proud of yourself that your self esteem is good as is your self worth. Good one! that is the basis of my approach. Yes, i have lumps, but hey, look at this other good stuff I offer? ..... I'm married, I'm a fully paid up member of two great families, I love my cricket, I love my music, I love travel. I love my work, and I adore the people i associate with. if people don't want part of that, then they can go jump .... it's their loss, not mine. Why should I cry for their loss?!🤣

My time I devoted to my wife, family, friends, and those people who showed their worth by being their for me. Devotion works two ways. Loyalty the same.

People who walk out on you? Well, yes that's painful, but if they did that, then they never deserved you to begin with. So while it is painful, cutting them loose is no bad thing.

I think you have a lot to offer. The fact that you value your self worth and appearance says so.

So keep in touch, and you never know what you may try in future to make opportunities for yourself. Opportunities are always around the corner, so even if you don't know what's available today, there is always tomorrow ...

So here's some homework for you! What do you think are you're assets are, your unmissable good points? You will have a few! Like everyone though, I would bet you good hard cash that you find those hard to list! that's true for everyone, we are all bad at seeing our true worth!

So practice it, then you will know how to shout it, when you need to.

Best wishes,

CB

[DiegoMoCa in reply to Hidden]

Thank you very much. I think I have gone out of my confort zone so much in these last 5 months, without getting the results that I expected, that my world was completely shaken and I entered a state of depression. That has made it hard to concentrate on the possitives but in reality there are many. And I have actually learned and matured a lot from my last experiences. It's simply that the frustration makes me ignore that.

But yeah, I think that I have to stop pretending that I have nothing in my face. That approach isn't helping me. But what does acceptance actually mean? It doesn't necessarily mean liking the appearance of that part lf my body, right? Is it more like learning to be happy and confident despite my difficulties?

[Hidden in reply to DiegoMoCa]

Do you know what?? I can hear the positives in you from what you say. You seem to have a very reflective attitude, looking back and seeing what you have learnt. That is soooo helpful for developing better and better coping strategies for the future.

Frustration i think we all get! I know i do, and of everything, frustration is the one thing i gind hardest. Dont always get it right, but i do find keeping things in proportion and perspective is a help.

What does acceptance mean?! Gosh thats deep. Acceptance to me is keeping my ability to press on, despite whatever hits. The fact that i have mechanisms to cope with issues and strategies to deal with problems as they occur. Acceptance to me is that lumps are part of my life, but they dont rule it and are a minor part of it. Thats just for me though. Acceptance to you may be something different, and if so, then if we can help YOU find it (only you can!) then that would be amazing.

best wishes

cb

[EvaChangingFaces Partner]

Hello DiegoMoCa and welcome to the Changing Faces community! Thanks for sharing your post. It does sound, as you describe it, like a long and at times hard journey you’ve been on, and it seems like you keep pressing forward and continue growing as a person.

I’m sorry to hear that you experience shame and stress around your visible difference and wanted to acknowledge how hard that must have been to carry with you over time. Just wanted to share with you something that we talk about in Changing Faces: People are not born with high or low self-esteem, self-esteem develops over time and can fluctuate, this is the same with body image – your perception of your own appearance may change over time, along with how much emphasis you place on your appearance. Feelings about our physical appearance and self-esteem are often related because we do live in an image-orientated society.

The only way to truly feel confident in yourself is as you say to learn to accept yourself but also love yourself for who you are and recognise your good qualities (instead of feeling like you just have to tolerate something about you because you might not be able to change it).

Dating and developing new relationships can be hard even without the added pressure that living with a visible difference can bring. I can hear in what you shared that you might worry about your appearance and how other people will view this. If you’re not used to being complimented on your looks, or have been teased or bullied about your appearance in the past, it is understandable that it might have made you feel a certain way about yourself or even as if you are not “good enough” but as I think most people would agree the quality of being attractive is about so much more than how we look. Although this is the first thing someone will notice on a dating app, anyone worth your time will be looking for much more than skin-deep qualities.

I believe prioritising on your self-acceptance and growth is the best gift you could offer yourself and that will definitely put you on the right path in introducing people in your life that will be good for you.

Take care,

Eva - ChangingFaces

[DiegoMoCa in reply to EvaChangingFaces]

Thank you. It makes a lot of sense that self-steem and body image fluctuates. I have definitely experienced it in both directions.

I guess I just have to keep working in accpting my imperfections and building a more stable image of myself so that my self-steem doesn't get so affected when facing certain situations.

[Solocat Community Ambassador]

Hi DiegoMoca!!

Thank you for posting and please receive a warm welcome!

I think you hit the jackpot at getting to the right place where you could get help to accept yourself the way you are....and it shows you know you're on the right path!

We all deal with visible differences on a DAILY basis. It's amazing how something so seemingly and literally superficial can take away much of our time and energy, but it seems to go deeper than first looks can tell.

And deeper as it goes, I join my voice to that of my colleagues in looking at so many wonderful things you can project that are definitely positive, kind of in the sense Circuitbreaker explained...Look around you when you go out next time...I dare you (in a friendly, figurative way 😄) when you are at the supermarket, at a bank, walking down the street, when you interact with people, not to find something you can do to make somebody feel happier, more loved or better treated...either saying something nicely casual to someone, helping someone with something you know it's needed (look around, there are very tiny things that are always pleasantly shared), etc. All of a sudden you notice right away, that some people may treat you distantly, but most of them like you when you show a tender, sincere, and helpful side...TRY IT OUT. 😉

Almost the same is true for finding a good match...I could almost swear if you have not found yours is because that one, the one you'll love and need, is waiting exactly for someone like you... just around the corner, just one step at a time...it's that person you're waiting for...that one who's also waiting for someone like you...no more no less. It does not show in dating apps, although it could be, but the fact you don't find somebody there is almost irrelevant.

So please let us know a little about how everything keeps going for you. We'd love to hear from you soon! 🤩