Help with loneliness and isolation

[RabbyAndrew]

Hi everybody. I would like if at all possible some advice please. I suffer with very bad acne scarring which has in effect disfigured my face and I thus really struggle to become involved in social activities and find that people tend to shun me when I try to become involved. I feel very lonely and depressed as a result of this and wondered please if anyone had any advice please. Yes I have had many treatments on my facial scarring but they have not made any difference

[Clarrisa]

What are your interests? For example if you like music you could learn to play a instrument & join a band. Over time you may have more interaction with band members. Many Salvation Army fixed sites have bands & will teach interested people how to play their instruments for free.

I see scads of people clustered together in the park looking intently at their iPhones. I have no clue what they are doing but it looks like it might be a way over time to make acquaintances, if you enjoy whatever it is they are doing.

If you enjoy gardening maybe volunteer at a community garden & meet people over time who enjoy gardening too. If you haven’t had any luck with first impressions doing a group type of activity you particularly like may afford you opportunities to make second & third opinions that may fair better than the first one.

I saw a post on a healthunlocked forum recently from a young man with a scar on his forehead who was experiencing a similar problem it sounded like. I don’t know what type of suggestions he received. Knowing some of your interests may help us come up with some appropriate ideas.

[RabbyAndrew in reply to Clarrisa]

Hi Clarrisa Thank you for that. Yes I possess a guitar which I would like to learn how to play so that might be a good way of becoming involved in something along the lines that you suggest. I find though that when I try to become involved in groups they are quite standoffish toward me and unfriendly may be it is because of the scarring perhaps they don't know what to say as often when confronted with someone with a facial problem it is difficult I suppose especially when we unfortunately live in a very superficial judgmental world

[Clarrisa in reply to RabbyAndrew]

Hopefully you can speak to the standoffish through the universal language of music. Can you sing? There are many faith based free singing groups. My mother sang in one for a number of years. Everybody at a certain age seems to try taking up golf. Have you considered, or ever giving that a go? Probably on the expensive side though.

I remember hearing a old friend say they use to rub vitamin E on horse scars to minimize them. Scars are prominent on horses because of the hair loss overlying them. If you know anyone in horse circles could inquire about this. I’d always try out anything first on scars over another body part initially.

I agree with you surface beauty does seem to open doors but they don’t always remain open. Just look at all those celebrities with such flawless everything & multiple marriages on the rocks ...

Keep us posted.

[littlemy7]

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties you've been having. I relate to what you're going through, because I have extensive facial scarring having suffered very severe acne myself. I'm not sure why, but the consistent presence of scarring doesn't necessarily bother me too much. But when I have more active acne and when my face is more red, I feel like I don't want anyone to see me at all, so I want to avoid social situations too. Acne has already taken enough from my life that I try so hard to stop it from inhibiting me any more though. I'll share some thoughts of what helps me to push through!

I often try to come across very confident (even if I'm not) in meeting new people, or speaking to people I already know, through being smiley, making eye contact, and speaking clearly. Doing these things makes people warm to you.

It's often a case of coming across as confident or seeming a bit shy and aloof that makes people either really involve you or find it more difficult to do so. Also, if you're really worried about being ignored then you're likely to think that's happening.

If you have close friends or family members, it might be helpful to confide in them as much as you feel comfortable doing. Perhaps they can encourage you to get out and meet new people, maybe attending a new group together at first, and helping to reassure you in social situations where you don't know people so well. I also find mentioning in passing to people I don't know so well about my skin in some way really helpful. I think it's a control thing in letting people know I also realise my skin looks different (it's not some taboo secret that can't be thought or talked about), I do care for my skin and my body, it's not easy but it won't stop me from living my life. Again, I think this probably helps me at least as much as it helps someone else to understand. It's most of the battle I think.

As for things that you can do, I guess we're all different and it depends what kind of social activities you want to do, and what you fine most difficult socially. I personally love doing karate because it's a great release of my negative emotions, I become fitter and learn self defence. The classes tend to be a diverse mix of ages, abilities etc. so I don't tend to feel I stand out, and everyone is concentrating so hard on trying to do karate to the best of their abilities that they honestly will never be thinking about or looking at my face. I think martial arts are particularly great, even if (like me) you're not 'sporty'. Lots of people who aren't sporty (and often have physical/mental health problems) find martial arts a great way into those endorphins and positive feelings about their body that they wouldn't otherwise have. If it's just not your thing then there are many other classes of all different types of sports and exercise (one of my friends recently went to a Disney Zumba class!). Taking sports classes id an excellent way to get out and be with people, helping you to feel less lonely even if you're not socially confident in meeting new people and being very talkative just yet.

Perhaps joining as a helper in your local scout/guide group, or as a volunteer elsewhere, would be a good idea too. These people tend to be pretty diverse like karate folk, and always welcome an extra pair of hands with open arms, regardless of what you look like etc. Volunteering is a great way to feel wanted and needed socially, and also provides a regular opportunity to see people, which really helps with loneliness. Often, there will be weekend camps etc. too which can really help with making closer bonds in low-pressure situations. Volunteering in general is great too, and there are options to do so many different things. You could volunteer in a community café if you like cooking and baking, or volunteer to do litter picking, gardening etc. if you like being outdoors. I guess the possibilities are more-or-less endless.

It's certainly worthwhile trying a few different things, because you won't necessarily find your crowd first time round, but it's a case of finding it, because it'll be there somewhere!

Having facial scarring will make it more difficult for you to believe it at first, but looking a little different does not mean you have to be lonely. I've actually made so many more friends since struggling with scarring and very severe acne because I've realised it's about seeming confident (it can just be a very basic act), rather than what you look like. I have never come across anyone who's rejected me for my appearance (I've actually even dated a couple of guys too, and it surprises me that they don't care about my scars), and frankly if they did then they wouldn't be worth knowing anyway!

I hope you're feeling a bit better about yourself soon, because loneliness is horrible (I've been there), but once you start getting out and meeting people, there will be no stopping you!