Hello

[Lemonqueen]

As a 60 year old with a facial disfigurement since childhood, I grew up in a time where it wasn't really talked about. As an echo of the times, I just got on with it! Because of this, I've carried my feelings and emotions alone, and have deep inner scars that have affected who I am and how I have lived my life. Although, there are possibly some good affects of 'just getting on with it,' I think overall it is much better to be able to talk, and be supported by others, especially those who understand the struggles a facial disfigurement brings. I look forward to making new friends and being part of this supportive community, and always happy to help others in any way I can. So, a big friendly Hello, to all you beautiful people 🙂

[Shysteve]

Good morning and welcome to this amazing site,there a loads of brilliant people here from various backgrounds with different difficulties that they face in Day to day life,it's an absolute god send juts to be able to rant or prattle on about what's on your mind (without judgement or ridicule which in itself gives you a sense of belonging and being"normal"please feel free to message if you need to vent/get anything of your chest etc ,again welcome best wishes steve

[Lemonqueen in reply to Shysteve]

Hi Steve, thank you for your message, and making me feel welcome. Tracey

[Shysteve in reply to Lemonqueen]

No worries,we're all In the same boat here so please feel free to message me if you need to rant /vent or just need a bit of company,best wishes steve

[EvaChangingFaces Partner]

Hello Lemonqueen and a warm welcome from me as well to the Changing Faces Community! Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story here, it sounds like you've been through a whole lot of difficulties over the years coming in terms with the challenges of navigating life with a visible difference. I'm deeply sorry to hear that you had to carry your feelings and emotions alone through this process which sounds like an extremely heavy burden to carry by yourself, but also it's clear to me that you have developed a lot of resilience and skills through this journey. Hopefully you have met people along the way who have been able to be there for you as ideas and notions about visible difference have changed and discussions and awareness about equality and diversity have progressed. I wonder if you have any strategies that you use to cope with these feelings and if you feel able to share them here as I think people could benefit from your experience. Hopefully you'll find people to connect with and to share your thoughts here.

Take care,

Eva - ChangingFaces

[Lemonqueen in reply to EvaChangingFaces]

Hello Eva, many thanks to you for your welcome. I have been inspired by the stories I have read from others, and if I can share any experiences that will help others in any way, more than happy to.

My story began when I was born with a birthmark on my nose, a flat brown one, that looking back at pictures of me as a child, it looks cute. However, in this society that focuses so much on looks, as a young child I was bullied and my nickname at school was, 'poohy nose'. If my mum could even get me to school in the first place, I used to go in crying and come home crying. I was a selective mute, unable to get my voice out, even at home, I was quiet. My mum took me to the Doctors who said I could have my birthmark removed. As a young mum influenced by comments from others, including photographers who would always tell her to face me away from the camera and take side shots of me, she took on the Doctors advice. When I was 8 years old, I began to have plastic surgery to give me, as the Doctors said at the time, "a beautiful new nose". Plastic surgery was quite crude in those days, and I had a natural brown birthmark replaced by a skin graft, scarring, and flattened nostril. In these more enlightened times, as my birthmark posed no risk to my health Doctors would not be able to carry out these operations on a child.

I have gone through many emotions and feelings in my life, I felt a lot of anger at the doctors, and at times still do, I was a guinea pig for plastic surgery. I even felt anger towards my mum for allowing it to happen, but now I fully recognise her vulnerability as a young mum wanting the best for her child. In those days, much more than now, doctors were hailed on a seat next to God. I have felt anger and hurt towards those who walked away on the dance floor when the lights went on. Almost, achieving my childhood dream of becoming an air hostess, only to be told at the last hurdle, "passengers will not like looking at someone with a facial disfigurement." Of course, all these things knocked my confidence and self-esteem, but the most important thing I have learnt, is that I have been my own worst enemy. I let my facial difference define me, whether in social situations, relationships, and my career. Coming out of another abusive relationship in my late 30''s I began to question why, when I put everything into my relationships, I was not receiving the same back. I was in another dark place and locked myself away, unhappy. But motherhood got in the way of my wallowing, and I saw the impact I was having on my child, I thought about what message I was giving to her. I was saying all the right things to her about valuing herself and being confident, but as her role model I was showing her something different, particularly in my relationships. She needed a mum who was there for her and to do that I needed to be there for myself. I recognised that I did not value myself, and subconsciously I was entering into relationships grateful for anyone who would have me. The couple of opportunities I had to be with good people my confidence stopped me from believing they could be attracted to me, and I would shut-down. Damaged people like me, were my comfort zone, being needed fed my messed up understanding of being wanted.

The relationships I had were unhealthy, and I have had some dark times, even resorting back to surgery, following a comment from a partner, which again made my face worse. Hitting a hard low, I recognised I needed to love myself and I was the person neglecting me, I needed me. My neglect of myself was me being crueler to myself than any other person could ever be. Only I had the power to change my life. Recognising I was the main person letting my looks affect my self-esteem was a turning point for me. I pulled myself up and had a hard chat with myself, I had to accept how I looked, and stop the wasted energy I was putting into longing for something I couldn't have, a 'normal' face. Accepting my looks as being only a part of who I am, I realised I needed to focus on being the best possible version of myself in every way; and even when I didn't feel like it, I smiled myself back into the world. I accepted people can't help but take a second take when they first meet me, but I smile and chat to them like I haven't noticed, this makes people feel comfortable and know how to be with me, which is the same as they are with anyone else who is friendly. I am not saying it is easy, it is not, this is a simplified version of my life and experiences, but the bottom line is, only we can change how we live and interact with the world around us.

Most people have something they are not happy with about themselves; I am sure we all have those friends that have a spot and won't go out, and the temptation to tell them they don't know how lucky they are, is strong. I work in mental health, I see people who are so poorly and tortured, they make me feel lucky. My motto when I feel down is, 'There is always someone better off than me, always someone worse off, I have what I have and must make the best of it!' I realise how lucky I am to have gotten to a place I can think like this, there has been trauma and dark places, and it has taken a lot of work, pushing myself forward when I have wanted to hide indoors. I know we are all at a different place on our journeys, and we all have different lives to navigate and find how to own our space within it. This world belongs to all of us, and we have the right to belong and fit in as much as anyone. Finally, in my 50's and now 60's, I have learnt to just go out there and smile. If someone stares, doesn't smile back, or if they make a comment, I consider they are having their own struggles that may not be as visible as a facial difference, so I keep smiling; and I wish them well, because I have a lot of living to make up for and nothing, including myself is going to stop me now. I will always be a work in progress, but progress is what I aim for every day. It feels good with each step of my acceptance of me to know I have earned it, those small steps become big steps and smiling and being happy with myself, is one of the best feelings ever.

[Hidden in reply to Lemonqueen]

There speaks some fine wisdom! Nice one (and welcome again from me too!)

[Lemonqueen in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Circuit breaker, I appreciate your welcome and comment.

[CarolinChangingFaces Partner in reply to Lemonqueen]

Hi Lemonqueen It’s great to hear you have been inspired by our other members posts on here and that you felt able to share more about your journey with your visible difference.

I can see that you have experienced lots of challenges and difficult feelings over the years but that you have worked hard to learn to how to navigate those trickier situations, find self-acceptance, and identify what you can control.

Its really positive that you have focused on being the best version of yourself and been able to become the role model you wanted for your child. I am sure lots of our community members will really benefit from hearing about the things you have learned and how much you have grown in your relationship with yourself.

Take care

Caroline - Changing Faces

[Lemonqueen in reply to CarolinChangingFaces]

Thank you Carolin.

[Solocat Community Ambassador]

Hi Lemonqueen! Be very very welcome!

I'm glad you hit the right spot when you reached out to our community. I read your story and it has touched me especially...thank you for sharing! Also you shared some words of advice for things that have worked well for you and no doubt they will be very useful for many of us here too!

It's so good to have you on board Lemonqueen! I hope to hear from you pretty soon!

[571971]

hi Lemon Queen. Your story is almost identical to mine . I am nearly 59 and born with treacher Colin’s syndrome . I was the Guinea pig for plastic surgery which resulted in me living with facial paralysis on my left side of my face (on top of what I already had ) , then at age nine had reconstructive surgery by a surgeon in London that came to be known as the tiger due to the crude outcome of his surgery , my face was left with strange half moon shaped scars over my cheek bones . I as well had to live with my Condition , keep it to myself , told to ignore stares and most of all to be a ‘strong character’

[571971]

I had zero self esteem all my life . It’s only been in last 18 months that I realised that I could have lived a better life if I was not so focussed on my face . You mention relationships , I have had none , yet craved one my whole life . I had very stunted understanding due to absence of experience way of what this whole attraction thing was believing all my life that sexual attraction was actual ‘ love’ and all then there is complex issues coming from that that’s too much to go into here . I used to be so jealous of other women thinking their lives must be this sort of paradise I could only watch from a gold fish bowl . . Oh dear I do feel so sad about it all . Now I understand . But here I am at my age . Sorry I will delete all this . It’s your post

[Lemonqueen in reply to 571971]

I am so sorry to hear of your experiences, so incredibly sad for you. Thank you for sharing, it helps me to know I am not alone in my feelings, particularly to those surgeons, who I have felt robbed me of my natural identity. It is really brave of you to share. Please don't delete for me, it is good to talk and share. Only delete if it is the right thing for you. Sending healing love to you.