Devastated by family dynamics

[AndreaWilson_Founder]

Hello everyone,

Normally, I wouldn't post something so personal happening inside my family. But it's rocked my world this past week. I took time off for my mental health. I cried all weekend. And unlike Facebook, I trust this community.

On November 5, my dad, who lives in Arkansas, came to see my doctor, who is a long covid specialist. Two years ago, I had long covid and it almost killed me. I withered away to 99 pounds, lost all muscle mass, felt more fatigued than ever, and experienced intense brain fog. My doctor saved my life. (He's one of the few specialists in the country treating long covid successfully.) When my father told me about his symptoms, I knew he had long covid too. My stepmother, who controls everything in their relationship, allowed me to help because she trusted my judgment.

The long covid diagnosis was confirmed. However, during that appointment, my doctor and I both saw a bright spot on the X-ray in the left lower lobe of my dad's lungs. In addition to having micro-blood clots in his lungs and throughout his body, my dad has lung cancer. When he returned home, it took several weeks to get a proper diagnosis as every scan came back inconclusive. The doctors even screwed up the first biopsy. My dad lives 90 minutes from decent medical practices and over two hours from a great cancer center at the University of Arkansas.

I'm not upset that my dad has lung cancer. I'm a realist. With his family history (his father and brother died of lung cancer), his history of smoking (he quit 25 years ago), his current COPD, and the bright spot on his lung, I expected that diagnosis. I'm devastated because my stepmother has shut me out completely. She doesn't even know the stage of the cancer. (I believe it's 2b from what little she told me.) I begged my father to get a second opinion. Begged.

He needs to see a specialist

+who sees his type of lung cancer every day (his current oncologist is a "generalist" who sees all types of cancers both solid tumor and blood-related)

+who understands the COPD complications (his current pulmonologist wasn't following standard screening guidelines and missed the tumor completely), and

+who believes his long covid diagnosis (many doctors think it's a hoax) and realizes any medication that can cause clots must not be given to him.

My dad refused to do it even though he knew I had the connections to get him a second opinion within two weeks. Even my doctor, who had only met him once, was prepared to arrange for a second opinion at UAB or the University of Arkansas. Both my doctor and I are well-connected in healthcare. Why wouldn't my dad and stepmother want our help?

My dad and stepmother have been married for 41 years. My relationship with her has been okay at the best of times and downright hostile at the worst of times.

Examples of good and bad

+She was kind to my sister Adrienne (who has a different father) and treated her like the granddaughter she never had.

+When I was 19, she tried to punch me in the face. My dad blocked her fist. He'll be the first person to say she has intense anger issues.

Anyway, my dad is starting chemo even though he stated numerous times he didn't want to do it. I know he's doing it to please her. I feel like in so many ways, I've already lost my father. And yesterday was his birthday; he turned 78.

Thank you for reading.

Love, Andrea

P.S. I'm not looking for advice. I cannot get around my stepmother. Trust me, I tried.

[bwpickard Caregiver]

Andrea, I'm so so very sorry for such devastating news, made worse by your stepmother's reaction. As an RN, I understand your wanting to get the BEST of care for your dad and use your connections in the healthcare industry to help and how frustrating and disheartening it is when family won't listen. We all know denial is a strong coping mechanism and with this being a recent diagnosis, maybe your SM is still in the throes of denial....my mominlaw had lung cancer and never wanted to know the stage as thought it would affect her mental positivity. many people sacrifice quality of care for convenience so that may also play a role and for some ignorance is bliss....they don't want the information you and I would turn rocks over to find. Does your dad talk to you directly? Do they recognize they wouldn't have gotten the diagnosis and therefore the opportunity to treat if he hadn't seen your specialist?? You know from my story my husband wouldn't get a second opinion because he trusted our oncologist who was also a generalist...in our case that oncologist was on top of every new treatment option there was for HCC so some are top notch. My go to when I have no control over a situation is prayer and I will be praying for you, your dad, your stepmom and your dad's doctors. Just continue to make yourself available to help in whatever way they will let you. Keep us posted. Love and prayers sent your way! Bonnie

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to bwpickard]

Thank you. My dad railed at me about how my stepmother saved his life. And I was thinking, no, my doctor may have saved your life. My dad won't talk to me privately on the phone. He always puts me on speakerphone so she can hear the conversation. (She insists.) For my mental health, I finally insisted on a boundary: no more phone calls over speaker. I know my stepmother doesn't use speakerphone when she talks to her son. I want the same courtesy extended to me. I have a feeling we'll be texting and emailing from this point forward. Prayers are always welcome. 💙🙏

[DancingEyes63 Moderator Caregiver]

Oh my friend, I am so very sorry. Your stepmom is so lucky that you have the connections to get him seen by someone with the knowledge and experience needed. I hate that she refuses to take advantage of it. I know the difference having access to that can make. It's horrible but so many times our "real" family are the ugliest to us and the "family" we choose treat us like family should. Wish I had a magic wand to make things better. I can send you much love and many hugs and prayers. Love you. If you need to vent, you know where I am. ❤️Sharon

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to DancingEyes63]

Thank you and prayers are welcome! And you're right about family. Sometimes the family we create is better than the one we are connected to by genes. Or marriage. 💙🙏

[Foxy1977 Patient in reply to AndreaWilson_Founder]

I could not agree more!! Xoxo

[Foxy1977 Patient]

Oh, Andrea, I'm so very sorry. How truly terrible. Jeff went almost through the exact same thing with his dad's illness & stepmother. We are sending you support and strength!!

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to Foxy1977]

Thank you so much. 💙🙏

[scbauer77 Caregiver]

Dear Andrea, I am so sorry, and words are inadequate. Just sending you love and support as you navigate this with your family.

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to scbauer77]

Thank you! 💙🙏

[Dachshund45 Patient]

Andrea. This is all too common and real. In my family it was a step grandmother who took over and did things her way. My father and the rest of our family were astounded when my grandfather married her. She was an obstacle for everything. My final kick in the teeth was when she died, at least half of my grandfather’s estate was to go to me. Because I did not perform the kneels and prostrations of the Kow Tow, she took me completely out of the will. It was a considerable amount of money.Such a sweetheart. I, at least got to see my grandfather just byefore his death from colon cancer. He was 6’3” and weighed about 12” pounds. I have never quite erased the pain and anger which she brought to our family. I sincerely hope that you can get through this morass. Good luck!🤞

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to Dachshund45]

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry about your experience. I expect my stepmother to take their entire estate as well even though my father buillt and maintained their wealth. Right now, their will states that I get 45%, my stepbrother (her son) gets 45%, and the remaining 10% goes to Blue Faery. I have no doubt my stepmother will either spend every last dime (my dad is the saver and she's the spender), or leave everything to her son. I don't care. I never want to see her again after my dad is gone. 💙🙏

[Dachshund45 Patient in reply to AndreaWilson_Founder]

Sounds so familiar. I do have my pride, as you do, and eventually learned to forget the anger. I did ok without the inheritance and made my own nest egg. You seem well set without this negative lady and her "acquired "money.

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to Dachshund45]

Amen! 🤗

[LoveOfMom]

My heart goes out to you! I know his diagnosis isn’t surprising but not seeking more is. I’m so sorry your Dad allows his wife to control everything, including your conversations. My prayers are that the treatment path he is going with is a good one for his case and that you continue to set healthy boundaries for yourself while sharing your love. I’ve learned we can make suggestions but not everyone is ready or able to accept them. That is a heartbreaking place to be when you love someone and you know more and have access to more. I believe you planted seeds, it unfortunately may take longer than it should to see them grow. Prayers for peace for you in this difficult situation. - Jennifer

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to LoveOfMom]

Thank you so much. I have set more boundaries. I told my father no more phone calls on speakerphone. (She insists on hearing everything.) I've blocked her number. Right now, my dad and I are communicating by email and that works for me. If something happens to him, she'll figure out a way to reach me. I also sent them the Patient Resource Guide for Lung Cancer surreptitiously 😉. They won't know it's from me. Perhaps reading everything I'm telling them from an objective, outside, reputable source will make a difference. 💙🙏

[LoveOfMom in reply to AndreaWilson_Founder]

I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. It’s an unnecessary stress on top of dealing with reality of the diagnosis. When you are just trying to help. Glad you have found a way to communicate directly with your Dad. Yes sometimes it takes other avenues for people to hear things to sink in more. I hope they soon see what all you can offer, but if not, you did your best at trying. Continue being wonderful you! And take care of yourself in the process. Hugs and prayers!

[AllysonBlueFaery Administrator Community Ambassador]

Hi Andrea, I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. Sending lots of love to you and your family ❤️ I am glad you are setting boundaries so that you can have space to also take care of your well-being.

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to AllysonBlueFaery]

Thank you! 💙🙏

[purpleunic]

imsorry hun much love and prayers to u and ur dad and step mom hang in there

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to purpleunic]

Thank you! 💙🙏

[sschiltz1]

I'm so sorry to hear this. And yes - it is unfortunately all too common. Your dad is so lucky to have you in his life. But he must be a pretty extraordinary father to have raised such a wonderful person as you Andrea. Does anyone have recommended reading on this subject? I recently came across "Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over" by John Westfall (haven't read it yet but found it for a friend). Thank you for sharing Andrea - we're beside you every step of the way. To love and life!

[AndreaWilson_Founder Partner Editor Caregiver in reply to sschiltz1]

Thank you for your support. 💙🙏 (TMI warning) To be frank, my Dad was largely absent from my life after my parents divorced, especially after my mother and I moved away when I was 13. As I've been on my healing journey, I've realized I turned out the way I did because I had to take care of myself and my siblings. My parents--mother, father, and stepmother--were too caught up in their own drama, trauma, and pain. Even my stepmother said, "You always had to take care of yourself." And she's right. While I'll always be grateful for the support my father gave me when Adrienne became ill, he was not supportive of me taking custody of her. He's since admitted that Adrienne coming into my life helped improve our relationship. She had a way of connecting people.