Over a month ago, my fiancee sent me a message saying that social services and the police had said I couldn’t have access to our children. The day before that is the last time I saw any of my family. Everything I say after this I only know because of paperwork I’ve received from private family court.
It turns my fiancee has made some extreme allegations of abuse against me, all of which are not true, and clearly delusions. Some I can disprove, and others are so bizarre, they clearly delusions even to an outsider.
Social services and the police assessed the situation, but social services have since informed me that they aren’t going to pursue anything, and they also said the police had told them that the police wouldn’t be pursuing anything either. This isn’t surprising as none of my fiancee’s allegations are true, and many didn’t even make sense. And she was even making allegations about other people too, including strangers and police officers.
My fiancee attempted suicide and was sectioned a few days later, and is currently with our baby daughter.
My fiancee’s parents (who I was previously incredibly close with and viewed as if they were my second parents) believe my fiancee’s allegations, and they have applied for a child arrangement order via private family court. The first hearing was “without notice” (meaning an offer of mediation was skipped, and I only found out about the hearing the day before, so had no opportunity to prepare), and it was decided that for the time being, our older daughter would live with the grandparents, and I can only see her via visits at a child contact centre (which they have been very slow to facilitate, so hasn’t started yet).
I don’t know which MBU my fiancee and our baby daughter are at; that information is being withheld from me.
I am shocked and appalled that legal proceedings were allowed to proceed based on little more than the allegations of somebody who has been sectioned with postpartum psychosis, clearly suffers from delusions, and whose allegations also targeted complete strangers, and police officers.
Various PP resources say that partners need to help the mother recover from PP by being supportive of them and also communicating with the doctors helping them. But I am not even allowed to know her location, much less help her! And all of my time and finances are being spent on legally defending myself in a legal process brought against me by the grandparents, who believe my fiancee’s allegations because they are ignorant about mental health. And I can’t speak to them to convince/prove they are wrong, because I’m not permitted to do so.
I need to wait more than a month for the next hearing, so until then, the most I will get to see my older daughter is once a week at a contact centre (which also costs a lot of money).
The entire system has failed me. My family and savings are being destroyed, I have not seen my family in 6 weeks (it will be 11 weeks by the time of the next hearing), I can’t support the woman I love when she is experiencing something so traumatic, and I have no recourse. What can I do? I want to be able to prove that her allegations of abuse are false, which should be the easiest thing in the world, as I have years of text messages, photos and videos that show I have been a great partner and father; not the abusive beast she has made me out to be. And some things I can outright disprove directly. But I have nobody to speak to besides my solicitor, but he can only help me legally defend myself in a process that takes weeks/months.
I want my fiancee’s doctors and her parents to realise that there was no abuse. That way my fiancee’s doctors can better help her (and so can I once they convince her I am safe), and the grandparents will stop withholding my older daughter from me, and she can see her dad again.
What can I do? Who can I talk to? Please help me! I won’t even be able to afford the solicitor if this continues much longer! Even if my fiancee recovers, I don’t want her to return to financial ruin, a broken family, and a partner with PTSD who barely recognises his baby daughter after not seeing her for so long! I am on antidepressants because I was unable to cope with all of this!
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Barry777
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Oh Barry my heart goes out to you. I don’t know how to help other than suggest you contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau in case they can help.
No wonder you need support and medication. Well done you for reaching out. Have you considered asking your GP for counselling? What a horrible experience you are having right now. You will be so glad when all this is resolved, which it will be but in time.
I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and your family. It sounds like such an awful situation.
I have some experience of a child arrangement order. As part of the court process the court might be able to ask for your wife's medical history which would show that she has been sectioned and has PP? This could help the courts see that the allegations were false? Wouldn't your solicitor be able to submit statements from social services and the police saying the allegations were false too? I would try and trust your lawyer that they know best what to do in these types of situations and take their advice.
With regards to the financial side, which I know is huge, would you be entitled to legal aid or anything? Have a look at this website here - gov.uk/legal-aid
I'm am so sorry you are going through all this, please keep reaching out to your GP if you need more support and to us on the forum.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you, what an awful and heartbreaking situation for you to be in. I would really hope that the doctors in the MBU where you fiancée is would be explaining postpartum psychosis to your fiancée's parents but I appreciate you have no way of knowing and are unable to contact them yourself. I do also hope that your fiancée responds to treatment quickly and her delusions resolve. I can understand her parents reacting to what they were told, beliefs which would have been so real to your fiancée at the time, but just awful that it's persisted and you're having to deal with the fallout - my heart really goes out to you.
On the legal side, I wanted to share a couple more links with you in case they are helpful at all - apologies if they don't quite fit the situation but there may be some signposting or access to some free advice:
Hello Barry777, I am really sorry you are in this situation, I join the others in my sympathies for you and the awful situation you and your family are in. It is a terrible illness and delusions are very real to the person experiencing them. As Jenny says I also hope that the doctors looking after your wife in the mbu are able to explain this to your in laws, and it is possible to descalate the situation from where it is at the moment.
I just wanted to give you a message of hope that pp is also a very treatable illness. And your wife's delusions will fade away with treatment.
Do you have friends or family close by that you can lean on at this time? It is positive you have been to your GP already, do not hesitate to reach out to him/her as often as you need. I don't know what your current situation at work is, but do take as much leave as you need during this time, employers tend to be understanding in these situations.
Will be thinking of you during these difficult times, take good care of yourself
I too am so very sorry that your Fiancé is so unwell with Postpartum Psychosis and that you find yourself in such a sad situation. You have already had some helpful replies and I hope that the right help is there for both you and your wife. I am wondering if you and your fiancé share the same GP practice, though I know of ‘doctor patient confidentiality’, perhaps if you haven’t already, you could ask for their help and advice. You say you previously had a good relationship with your fiancé’s parents, I wonder if it may be helpful to write to them, perhaps tell them of the APP site where they will find lots of information and generous Mums willing to share. You can also read or send for the APP Insider Guides app@app-network.org. PP is a shocking, traumatic illness, things said and done are part of the illness, so very difficult as this is at the moment hold on, though recovery can be up and down, your fiancé can get well and with the right medication, a Mother and Baby Unit is the best place for her to get well. I hope that you have supportive family and friends.
Congratulations on your precious new baby. Thinking of you, with best wishes for you and family.
I am so sorry to read all of this Barry and my heart goes out to you and your entire family! I was thinkingexactly the same thing when reading this as what Judith suggested. Would it help to write or reach out (if needed via a middle person/mediator) to help explain PP to your parents-in-law. I can imagine that they are traumatized too and perhaps inclined to believe or at least consider the delusions your wife had. But with the right information (which I hope and trust they also get via the team the MBU) they can hopefully see the other side. Maybe they can even talk to some other grandparents or support workers with the APP team.
Honestly, I feel for you! Keep reaching out to this community and try to hold on to your own support network. Hug
Thanks, though I can’t contact my fiancee’s parents directly, as I’m not allowed to. I’d need to go through their solicitor, and their solicitor is likely to advise them to disregard anything I say as an attempt at manipulation.
I run the risk that anything I say or sent to them may be used against me in a court hearing.
Though I am going to get some resources on PP and provide them to my solicitor in our next meeting, and see what he thinks. Maybe he thinks it would be worth sending them to their solicitor and advising them to educate themselves, possibly emphasising the parts about PP not being caused by any relationship issues.
They believe that my fiancee’s PP came about in response to the abuse she alleged happened. But that is not possible, as PP isn’t a response to anything besides actually giving birth.
Okay! Make sense sorry I didn’t know that. But sharing the resources with your Sollicitor sounds like a good plan. Also if you miss your kids and wife terribly maybe you can write to them (without sharing). Just to comfort yourself I love journaling.
It’s heartbreaking to hear you have been separated from your family and your fiancée is suffering such a devastating illness at the moment. I hope you have support as it must be very hard to make sense of all that is happening and you are taking antidepressants.
I had PP twice many years ago, six years apart, and like your fiancée I was sectioned for my own safety after suicidal ideas. I had delusions and heard a commanding voice which was all very real and frightening at the time. At the time, mental health was very much in the shadows and I have read from my notes that there was friction between my husband and my parents.
It is a very sad situation that you should have to go to court to prove what a loving parent you have been to your daughter and will be to your newborn. I heard on the radio recently about the Support through the Court charity, a UK legal charity that supports people who have to represent themselves in Court, although you have a Solicitor. The national helpline number is 0300 081 0006. It’s a free service before during and after court. Perhaps even though you have a solicitor, this could be a contact for you when you just need someone to listen?
I also wonder if the “PP Soup” resource described as “a nourishing mix of all things Postpartum Psychosis” put together a few years ago by a mum who experienced PP with input from other mums and professionals at ppsoupdotcom.wordpress.com might be helpful. There is also a radio broadcast included “Unravelling Eve” with mums sharing their experiences, so perhaps this might be helpful for your fiancee’s family to hear, although please take care listening as it is quite distressing.
Please take very good care of yourself and thank you for writing. We are all here to listen and hoping for you.
Hi Barry777,There are so few MBU in the UK, that it would be quite easy to work which one she is at. Nearly always the most local one.
I don't know the legalities, but you could try visiting the MBU and asking if she gives permission to see you. She may have recovered and be prepared to see you, perhaps with a member of staff. If the MBU state she does not want to see you, you would have to respect that and leave.
My point is that whilst someone is receiving mental health care, their wishes can change.
If I do that, I risk making things much worse for myself in court. Her location is being kept from me to the extent where court documents sent to me are censored. Attempting to see her is out of the question.
Plus, if she were fine with seeing me, that would mean she no longer believed her delusions to be real, and she would have told her parents, as she knows that they are keeping our oldest daughter away from me. The fact that they are still persisting with legal proceedings proves that my fiancee still believes I am/was abusive.
I’m so sorry for your ongoing predicament. I wonder if Support through the Court, which I gave details of earlier in your thread, were able to advise you although I think you have a solicitor?
Take care, I hope you have support around you to lean on.
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