Feeling abit lost

[Bumblebeeee]

Sorry for posting but I just feel I need to talk to someone I think. I’m just feeling abit lost. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Like I don’t know what my personality is. I still feel trapped in this illness I think and I don’t know how to recover or be a normal person. I don’t really go anywhere. I left my job before I got pregnant so I don’t even have that to go back to. I Jusr feel like I’m trying to survive every day but I’m not getting anywhere or doing anything. I don’t see my friends because I’m findinfnjt reslly hard to be normal around them. Sorry I don’t even know the poijtn to this post I just not sure where I’m going in life anymore. I don’t even feel like this is a real life im just going along x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Bumblebeeee

I'm sorry you're feeling a bit lost. Did you manage to book an appointment with your GP about how the medication was making you feel? During my recovery I had different doses of medication before the right one was found which worked for me.

Sometimes recovery does seem a big challenge but with good medical support and care you will feel better. Perhaps in this good weather in the UK at the moment you could go for a short walk or just go out to meet a friend for a break? I'm sure your friends are missing you too and will understand if you tell them how you have been feeling. Is it possible you could have a few hours out with your mother, or ask her to look after the baby while you treat yourself to a haircut or have your nails done? When you are recovering I think it helps to treat yourself once in a while?

My recovery took a while and when I felt confident enough I registered with an agency for temporary work. This meant I could choose the hours and days I worked and gave me an insight into the various roles that interested me.

I think you could ask your GP about counselling .... perhaps you just need to unwind and get your thoughts out in talking therapy? There is hope and everyone recovers in their own time, as you will, with good care and support. We are all here for you .... take care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Bumblebeeee, thanks for posting and I'm sorry to hear you are feeling lost. I know a lot of Mums struggle with their sense of identity after PP and in recovery - and Mums generally can struggle with this too, as having a baby can be such a big change. So firstly I think this is really normal, PP or not, but it is certainly magnified by PP and recovery can be hard as we know. I hope too, as Lilybeth mentions, that you were able to talk to a GP or health professional and I also wondered if you have any childrens centres or other community resources that might offer some more information about what is going on in your local area?

I know I lacked confidence or motivation to do much when I came home and getting out of the house is hard too. I was lucky that I had a good friend who had had a baby around the same time, and although she wasn't unwell, she really found adjusting to "mum-life" hard going at times, so she was a good support too. I also enjoyed seeing friends who didn't have babies and they quite enjoyed seeing my little one, so that helped to share the load too. Perhaps if you send a message and try and meet up with a friend you might be able to organise that?

Don't be too hard on yourself, you've been through a lot and it will take time to come out the other side. But in small steps, you can get there and I hope that writing your thoughts here too is helpful to offload. Take care, xx

[Bumblebeeee]

Thank you for replies. I saw my gp today. She said I’m doing well I think as although I’m not better i have more insight now into the weird thoughts I keep getting. As I know it’s to do with the meds I think they are just not right yet. My cpn phoned me earlier now she’s back so I’m seeing her tomorrow x

[Revans86 Volunteer in reply to Bumblebeeee]

Evening Bumblebeeee, sorry it’s been a while since I wrote.

It sounds like a good conversation with your GP today. But sorry you’ve been feeling lost. PP is such a difficult illness, and whilst the psychosis “bit” itself can be relatively short for some people, rebuilding in the long term can be really hard. I felt that too, I don’t think it’s unusual. Try not to put pressure on yourself.

I found it hard to socialise as you describe, I found it hard to relate to other people when I was recovering. But I did find “me” again. On not feeling like it’s your life, I think medication and tiredness sometimes made me feel very spaced out and quite detached or distant. But that did pass for me. Keep talking about all of this to your health professionals.

Its so good you’re seeing you CPN tomorrow, that’s great timing isn’t it. And what your GP said today about your insight into how you’re feeling is really positive. Take heart at how far you’ve come. Keep talking lovely.

Keep going, you’re not on you own. Xx

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Revans86]

Thank you so much. You are all so lovely on here. I really do feel like you all have me here supporting me so thank you x

[Kaaybee]

Hi Bumblebee

Sorry you're feeling this way. I felt exactly the same. My PP defined me for quite a while and dominated my life to the point I felt a shadow of my formal self... as if I was barely there. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. This was not me at all. I went from being really confident and some would say quite 'feisty' to being confused, shy, anxious, hesitant and unsure. Most of the time, I just felt hollow and flat.

But keep going, because it DOES get better. You will come back from this and it sounds like you are doing really well as your GP said.

You can do this but it will take time, as the others have said, baby steps, keep going, love yourself and give yourself time.

Gradually I recovered, and lots of things changed for the better after. It made me a better person and although my life changed, it was for the better and lots of great things happened to me. It made me stronger than ever and it will you too.

Keep going, one day at a time, and slowly but surely you'll find you again.

Lots of love

[Ines19 Volunteer]

Sorry t hear you are feeling like this at the minute. Personally I still struggle a lot if I'm home for long periods of time. I was off sick last week with a chest infection and I felt awful too.

You need to maybe find a new job or activity or even volunteer. Anything to get you out of the every day routine.

You are a normal person. You probably just feel like that because of the illness.

Big hugs xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Bumblebeeee

I hope your CPN was helpful today and you were able to talk about how you are feeling at the moment. Some days are harder than others but you should be very proud of how far you have come. Try not to expect too much of yourself too soon. We are all here for you. Take care. xx

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Lilybeth]

It was ok. She came to tell me she is leaving so I will be having some one new again soon. Everyone there leaves as they are so overworked so this will be about the 5th new person I will have soon. I think everyone thinks I’m ok tho. I think I can mask it very well that I’m all fine and coping well. It’s inside I dont think I’m coping well at all at the moment x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Bumblebeeee

Thanks for your update. I'm sorry to hear your CPN is leaving. It's a shame you haven't really had continuity of care, which can be unsettling especially when recovering from such a major illness.

I can relate to masking how you feel to convince everyone you are ok. I had an "I'm fine" face but was struggling on the inside. I think if you can confide in someone how you really feel they will be able to find the right support for you? I was very anxious about thoughts in my head and what people would think but as soon as I opened up to how I really felt the support was there for me. If you're not coping well at the moment, please let someone know and don't suffer in silence. Take good care ... we are all here to listen. xx

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you. It seems to vary day to day Iv noticed. Like today I’m feeling good like there’s nothing wrong. But my hubby is home today and we went out this morning to the garden centre then had lunch. So it’s been a nice day. I know I need to keep busy as it seems to be when I’m home alone I’m struggling a lot. Iv listened to good advice about breaking up my day and just doing little bits like a time table. Seems a good idea to break up the day and get through it all when I’m alone x

[Revans86 Volunteer in reply to Bumblebeeee]

Hey lovely Bumbleee,

Sounds like you had a nice day with your husband. I do love a garden centre myself! Especially at this time of year. So many pretty flowers. Just today I was admiring some pink geums.

I did find similar to you in my recovery, in that each day varied slightly. I tried not to do too much (easier said than done with children!) and tried to build in special things for me too.

Sorry to read your CPN is changing again, that’s a shame for you. Hope your new one is positive and you manage to strike up a good rapport with them.

Well done again, always fine to check in here. As you say it’s good to break up your day.

You’re not alone, even when everyone at home is out. We’re here! X

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Revans86]

Thank you so much. You are all so supportive here I really am grateful x

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Bumblebeeee]

Hello Bumblebeeee

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm glad you had time out today with your husband and had a nice day. I don't think you should put pressure on yourself to keep busy ..... it might be an idea to bring relaxation into your daily timetable to make you feel calmer? I think there are some good links on Google. Mind have a good page about relaxation at mind.org.uk.

Just try and do what you are comfortable with. In time you will slowly build your confidence and feel able to cope. I found listening to music on the radio was helpful, especially "I'm still standing" by Elton John which is a song I relate to my PP ..... it does hold us back for a while but thankfully we are all still standing Take care. x

[Carmencp]

Bumblebeeee, you are not alone.

[Carmencp]

Your body jas gone through something very traumatic. I had the same thing with my first child and second. See a therapist, maybe even medication can help. You are still you, your anxiety is making you feel like you arent. Take it from personal experience the faster you get help the faster you will feel like yourself.