What a great place this is - everyone seems so helpful and supportive
i was in a MBU for about 8 weeks. I didn’t feel 100% when I was discharged (not even 60% to be honest!) but I think they said the real recovery will take place in the community. I keep thinking I’m not going to get better and some of the thoughts I had at the time still linger on. They were based on real events in the past and it is thought I skewed what happened and saw lots of bad stuff about myself which isn’t true.
Apparently this is the psychosis talking but it has made me withdraw for fear of upsetting anyone by being myself.I’m now like a shadow of myself and it’s really affecting my relationship with my partner and my baby. I don’t know how I’ll ever be “me” again or find my way back. What is worse I don’t know how to convey what is happening in my head so I fear I’ll never get well as how can someone help me if I can’t explain how I am feeling.
I just don’t want to be here sometimes and want my family to remember me as I was before this happened.
Sorry I don’t know what I’m looking for - I just wanted to say how I was feeling as someone might have been through what I have xx
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Loopy86
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This is such a great place where you will find lots of support and shared experiences. I’m sorry you had psychosis, such a trauma and all very real at the time. I had PP many yers ago and can relate to how you are feeling, as many of the mums here will too.
It’s good that you have some insight that the thoughts are the remnants of the psychosis. The thing to remember is you had no choice when PP hit and it’s not your fault! I don’t know if you’re the same but I couldn’t believe some of the things I did and said. I was loud and very argumentative, living on the edge.
Unfortunately I wasn’t encouraged to talk about my experiences (PP twice six years apart) as mental health was very much in the shadows at that time. I was so fortunate to find APP and received a definitive diagnosis of PP which I hadn’t known before although this was many years later.
Please don’t back away from socialising for fear of upsetting anyone. I walked in the shadows for a long time and sometimes, like you, didn’t want to be here so I understand.
The thing to do is reach out, as you have done and keep talking. Do you have support from the perinatal team? I think if you can talk openly about how you’re feeling they will be able to help in your recovery.
Perhaps taking a look at the PP Insider Guides at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... might be helpful? Nine months into recovery isn’t long to be over what you have been through, so be gentle with yourself and take care. With good professional care and support you will eventually recover and be yourself again.
For now, wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and take care. We are all here to support you too. 🌹
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting so honestly, I know it can be really hard to reach out so well done for taking that step. I’m sure you’ll find lots of support and understanding here, I’m really glad you’ve found us 😊
I had PP after my first son was born in 2012. It’s such an awful thing to go through and yes, being discharged from the MBU was just a step in a longer journey of recovery for me too. I found PP really knocked my confidence and it took time to re-build this. There’s so much to process and come to terms with but you’ll get there - do lean on any support you have available to you and be really gentle on yourself.
It can be so hard to convey the experience and how those thoughts linger. I found writing really helped – doing this creatively works for some people too (I wrote some poems, I know others have found they can express themselves through art…).
Lilybeth has shared a link to our insider guides, the recovery guide may be a helpful resource to have a look through. I found reading about other women’s experiences here and on the APP website (app-network.org/news-events... really helpful too, you’re really not alone in how you’re feeling.
Take really good care and do write and reach out any time – you can read more about our peer support here: app-network.org/peer-support/
A very warm welcome to the forum. I’m really glad you’ve found us. So much of what you have written resonates with me. It’s always a tough call, knowing when best to go home after a spell in hospital, but I think they’re right that the real recovery takes place at home.
In my (admittedly very limited!) opinion I’m not sure it’s totally possible to go back to how we were prior to the illness. Having a baby is a life changing event in itself, and so too is a psychotic episode. I think it fundamentally changed me, made me reevaluate so much of my life. It wasn’t always easy. There were some really dark times when like you I thought things would be better if I wasn’t around. But those days passed and I’m so grateful for my recovery now, ten (!) years later.
I was really reluctant to talk about what had happened to me, when I first came home from hospital. But luckily one of the other mums from my NCT group was amazing and took me along to a playgroup, no questions asked (like: where had I been for 4 months?!). Having her moral support was really helpful - and through that playgroup I met many other local mums who became good friends. So, as Lilybeth has already said, please don’t hold yourself back from social situations - people might just surprise you with how welcoming and understanding they can be!
I think it’s still fairly early days for yourself but already it sounds like you have a huge amount of insight into your illness and your state of mind now. That’s amazing! You should be really proud of how far you have come already. Do try and be super kind to yourself. Set yourself very small, very achievable, goals each day. But take time to rest too, to recuperate. Psychosis is utterly exhausting - and you have a baby too!
Hope this is helpful. Do keep writing here - we are all here for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. The expression “shadow of myself” is exactly how I felt following my psychosis. I also think that recovery only really starts once out of hospital.
I remember many times thinking I would never be “me” again. What helped me was going out and doing lots of things with friends and family. There were many times didn’t feel like going out. Sometimes I managed to force myself to go out and it was usually helpful and sometimes I couldn’t bring myself to do it and stayed at home resting.
My advice would be to push yourself to do things but don’t force yourself to do them when it really feels too hard.
It can feel like a long and difficult journey with ups and downs. The days which feel like there is no progress are frustrating. Full recovery does come in time though and you will be feeling fully “you” again
That sounds really difficult. I can totally empathise, my psychosis was centred around me being a really bad person and all my mistakes and after it the depression and psychological turmoil was at times unbearable. I have described it as it was like I died or was shattered into a million pieces. Then I had the guilt of how it all may have affected my kids. That was three years ago now and I look back and can see how far I have come - don’t get me wrong I still have to battle my thoughts but I have been slowly rebuilding myself into what I hope is a better and stronger person than I was before my episode. I try and do various things - exercising, reading (a lot about spirituality, philosophy etc), listening to podcasts, gratitude, acts of kindness, staying off the news/triggering social media, taking joy from the small things like watching my kids laugh! Getting out in nature, praying and speaking to God and learning to accept his love and forgiveness through Jesus Christ. It’s strange as apart from exercising, I wouldn’t have done any of these things before my episode! I have found that I can now manage my emotions and reactions much better as a result. It is so so hard though - many days I didn’t want to get out of bed. You can do this though, I believe in you, one thing I have learnt is you have to believe in yourself. Be kind to yourself, sending you so much love, peace and healing. I am here if you ever want to chat x
your name makes me smile and creates fond memories in my heart. I called my cat Loopy and had him for nearly 22 years, a soul pet mate
A warm welcome to this group. It is a lovely tribe of mums, who share their lived experiences in order to help and support each other without any judgment. It is important to me, to just be...I was just talking to other APP members about authenticity, trying to find yourself.
All women on this forum have suffered PPP, and it is such a traumatic experience. It is like a deep wound and becomes part of you...we all have gone through a recovery process whereby it has helped to be gentle, kind and patient with your healing.
I can reassure you that we all have found ourselves again. In my case it has been the acceptance of transparency, changes, being flexible in small stepping stones and goal settings, we learn and rejuvenate continuously.
I see my past experience as a gift, even though it has been a huge challenge, but helped me to acquire new skills. One has to start simple and without comparison and high expectations, but really to tune into your needs, what is important right now for you. What can you do in order to ease your mind and focus on healing.
- communicating with health professionals and people you love and trust
- looking at diverse opportunities for therapeutic avenues or counselling
- developing tools to work towards recognition of triggers when feeling unwell and developing coping mechanisms (sometimes there are courses on offer via NHS, local community or online courses, or links via MH charities such as MIND)
- finding a place of rest and peace where you can pursue a hobby or find time out for relaxing and inner calmness (in my case Meditation Music, Art, Reiki etc.)
There is a lot of advice on the APP website and even a one to one peer support system. It helped me tremendously when still poorly.
Take good care and be kind and mindful to yourself. Time to heal!
Welcome to the forum , I hope you love it here as much as I do .
Thank you for sharing how you are feeling and being honest. You are in the right place , a lot women on here including myself will be able to relate to what you have been through.
I’m sorry you went through this horrible illness. Healing and recovery after MBU took a while for me. I remember thinking I’ll never be myself again but guess what I recovered and even became confident and stronger within myself .
I found going out and meeting and spending time in nature really helped me also journaling is a great tool to keep track of your mood.
Thank you all so much for ur kind, caring and helpful replies. They really gave me strength and I’m so grateful to each and every one of you for sharing resources and snippets of your own stories.
I am soon to be under the perinatal team so hopefully that will be a huge help. I just worry I won’t ever unsee all the bad things I saw in myself. It’s strange because I still very much believe it all but somewhere in my mind I know it’s not true, I’m just struggling so much with the inner battle so I’ve completely withdrawn in case being “me” offends anyone. I just wish I hadn’t seen it so I could continue to be me who I miss so much. Man it’s confusing!
I have so much guilt for my partner - I worry I’ve ruined his life as he obviously loves our baby but if we didn’t have her I think he’d have left me so I worry that he feels trapped. This is when I start thinking i shouldn’t be here anymore as at least if I wasn’t here he could move on and forget me.
Control1234 - It is really helpful to find someone who experienced similar (as in bad thoughts about stuff from the past). I don’t know how I’ll ever see them as they actually happened opposed to the psychosis skewing them - even saying that I don’t believe and think maybe I am just really bad person x
I know I did a lot of good things in my past- but in my psychosis I couldn’t see any of that!
It has taken me along time to start to see that maybe this was psychosis talking but actually, I did need to get better in things in my life aswell so you know maybe my breakdown was my breakthrough. And also looking at myself as a human being - we all make mistakes, we aren’t just all good or all bad. And we are shaped by so many events in our lives! I also know God has forgiven me as Jesus paid the ultimate price for my sins.
You will get through this, you have so much strength inside xxx
Please try not to worry and don’t listen to those thoughts that maybe you’re just a really bad person .... that’s your illness trying to bring you down. I had a voice in my head telling me I was a bad mother! Some thoughts float in and out but others seem to get stuck and we can dwell on them can’t we?
I think you’re amazing if you haven’t had perinatal support yet apart from MBU. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s very difficult for our partners to have witnessed us at our most vulnerable but it wasn’t your fault. Do you perhaps have a trusted family member who might look after your baby so that you and your partner might have a ‘date’? This can be just for a short time during the day or at night ... just space for you to tell it like it is and how you are both feeling?
I hope you will be able to find a distraction from your thoughts in some of the support since you posted. PP mums really are amazing and you will find your feet and self again step by step. Please be kind to yourself. x
Hi Loopy86, I am really sorry you experienced postpartum psychosis just last year. It is a very traumatic illness. I think I understand where you are coming from. I had pp 4 years ago, I spent some time in a psychiatric ward and some time in a MBU. As you say in your post once you are out of hospital there is still so much recovering to be done. When I was unwell I did many many out of character things. I had an episode at my in laws house a couple of days before being admitted and a repeat the following evening at our flat. I felt quite embarrassed about it and said so to my father in law when we met after my discharge. He said, it was not you and we understand that. As KatG says sometimes you will be surprised by people's generosity of spirit.
This phrase from my psychiatrist at the mbu once gave me comfort and allowed me to start looking forward, these months as hard as they have been are only a small part of yours and your daughter's life.
Take good care Loopy86, I am glad u are going to be under perinatal soon, be upfront with them about how you feel atm so they can offer you the best support. Perinatal teams are amazing.
Hi Loopy86,I am so sorry to hear you were discharged from the MBU before you felt ready. I hope that you have a mental health professional making regular contact with you, to check your medication and how you are feeling etc
I felt I lost all my personality and confidence after I had postpartum psychosis in the MBU but it did come back. However it was a slow process and you probably can't start to become yourself until you are completely well and stable first.
I was a quite guarded talking about my psychosis but the more you talk about it to health professionals, hopefully you will get more help.
If you ever feel like you don't want to be here and feel you are in danger, please ask for help by calling the Samaritans or a&e.
Please get as much help as you can for you, your baby and partner. Ask all the health professionals. APP have a support group for partners too.
thank you both. I appreciate everyone’s replies so much.
The_Wes_Anderson_Fan ur comment brought tears to my eyes as I can really relate to feeling like ur personality has gone. The tears r because I feel understood as that’s exactly what I said to the MBU psychiatrist - that I’ve lost my personality. I’m sorry you went through this too but am so grateful u shared that.
I still feel like a shell of a person and I can’t get in touch with who I am or know what my morals r / what I would do in certain situations. I just feel as though I am doing what I think I would usually do and try and say what I think I would say, but I feel so disconnected to who I am - nothing is natural and I feel like I’m policing myself. I don’t seem to have much conversation in me either I never thought I’d say this as I’ve always had low self esteem but I miss myself so much!
hey Loopy86 just wanted to send you some virtual moral support! This recovery process is gruelling, but you’ll get there. I completely relate to the feeling of overwhelming guilt (and shame) towards my partner. He was put through hell, but really he just wanted me to get better and was so supportive of me. Plus I had just given birth to his beloved baby son! Weirdly I think sometimes he felt more guilt towards me - that he should have seen how badly I was disintegrating? But there was nothing he could have done. There was nothing I could have done! It’s a horrendous illness and that’s the heart of it.
I relate too to the feeling of disconnection. That’s such an accurate description for that awful sense of not wholly being present in ourselves. And the second guessing - is this me, or my illness? What do I really think? Can I trust myself, my thoughts, my brain ever again…. There’s a well trodden mantra in mental health recovery: “fake it until you make it”. And it sounds like that’s exactly where you are at. Before you know it your feelings WILL catch up and you’ll start to feel more together again.
I hope this helps. Just want you to know you’re not alone - and that you are doing amazing!!
Just wondering how you are? I think it’s early days in your recovery so please give yourself time to heal and one fine day you will suddenly realise that ‘you can do this’ x
Hi thank you for checking up on me - this place is so lovely.
I am okay thank you but really struggling with feeling vacant, passive /like a spectator with no access to my personality.
I don’t seem to have any idea of what I like or don’t like anymore and I’m so socially unaware. Im so flat and seem to lack any emotion (I used to be quite bubbly and always pretty happy). I have no get up and go to help people with things like I used to (I used to do anything for anyone).
I also don’t feel like I know where my moral compass is - like what would I usually say in a certain situation. I’ve always thought I have good morals but now I just feel so lost in who I am. Because I feel like I’m a bad person, I seem to almost be off with people because of that belief and because I think everyone must hate me - I’m too scared to just consider people might like me.
I don’t know if any of this is “normal” under psychosis or if I’m just now like this.
Also, I feel like I’m going through the motions with my baby. I feel so awful about this. When first born I was head over heels but then when my psychosis hit about 6 weeks, I feel like I’m just trying to be who I was before it happened as when I don’t try I feel so distant and like I just want to sleep all day. I’m desperate for the feelings to return
I’m so sorry for rambling when u kindly asked how I was doing - so sorry!
I relate very much to what you say. It was how I felt on the first year of my daughter's life. My sense of humour dissapeared, I was not able to put myself in other people's shoes, like my empathy had taken a heavy hit, and those are cornerstones of my personality. But, as hard as that period was for me, it passed and I stopped feeling that way, so it will be the same for you, as it is for all mums here in this forum.
You have an amazing self awareness, I was definitely not as clued in as you, I learned along the way. Self awareness and self reflection are very useful tools in your kit, they make u the great person that you are. However they come with the caveat that we can be very hard on ourselves when we make a judgement on our inner mood. Perhaps something that could be helpful is to notice these inner states you so well describe and let the thoughts go away without looking for an answer to them. I know it is easier said than done. Grounding techniques help me to focus back on the present. It is a bit silly but I keep a couple of conkers in my jacket's pocket and when I am outside on my own and I start self reflecting I fiddle with them and that keeps me from going down the rabbit hole.
Don't know if some of this is helpful, at least do know you are not alone, and you must definitely will feel better. Take care
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I never thought I’d say this as I’ve always had low self esteem but I miss myself so much!
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