I’m so sorry to post so soon after my other post, but I’m really struggling with feeling vacant, passive /like a spectator with no access to my personality.
I don’t seem to have any idea of what I like or don’t like anymore and I’m so socially unaware. Im so flat and seem to lack any emotion (I used to be quite bubbly and always pretty happy). I have no get up and go to help people with things like I used to (I used to do anything for anyone). I also don’t feel like I know where my moral compass is - like what would I usually say in a certain situation. I’ve always thought I have good morals but now I just feel so lost in who I am.
Because I feel like I’m a bad person, I seem to almost be almost off or distant with people because of that belief and because I think everyone must hate me. I can’t access that nice, warm part of me. I think this is because when I was at the acute stage I thought the nice me was bad and that I had been faking being nice all my life.
I don’t know if any of this is “normal” under psychosis or if I’m just now like this.
Also, I feel like I’m going through the motions with my baby. I feel so awful about this. When first born I was head over heels but then when my psychosis hit about 6 weeks, I feel like I’m just trying to be who I was before it happened as when I don’t try I feel so distant and like I just want to sleep all day. I’m desperate for the feelings to return
I’m so sorry for rambling, I just don’t know where to turn!
I am sorry to read your update and how distressing these feelings of detachment and flatness are at the moment. Please do not feel sorry for posting so soon. It is a good idea to open a new thread, I find it easier to search when I look at My home in healthunlocked and new posts pops right up to the top.
How are you sleeping at the moment? I go through periods of being a night owl when the events of the day are playing in my head and I have trouble switching off. Unfortunately for me, that can sometimes be linked to ruminations and harsh judgements of myself.
I need to reassure you that what you are describing is very common during recovery from pp. I mentioned in your other post that that has been my personal experience and from talking to other mums as well I see many similarities. Partly it is the effects of medication and partly the natural healing process of the brain, that's my unscientific explanation.
It is frustrating to have to fake it till you make it, I agree, and I used to question whether the faking it was the right thing to do in the first place (the keep calm carry on attitude worked only partly for me, I took many duvet days too and I also asked for help, lots of times, and all of that together mixed in with the passing of time and support from friends and family - and this forum, brought me back). This won't be forever, it will most certainly pass. I know it is not much help in the here and now, of course, but it does end, 100% sure of it. Recovery also was not a straight path for me, I went up and a bit down and also stayed stuck, but got there at the end. As you will too.
Take good care, here if you need us
thank you so much for ur reply. I really appreciate it and so sorry I didn’t see ur reply on my other post (thank u for that also) x
I am taking a little while to get to sleep but when I’m asleep I usually stay asleep for a long time. you have given me so much hope for recovery. It means so much! X
Hi Loopy86,No problem, I am glad that talking on this forum is giving you so much hope. It was a lifeline for me too when I was recovering. Otherwise the illness is incredibly isolating. Only a couple of our friends one a psychotherapist and one a gp had heard of pp before I became ill with it. Talking here to other mums that get it is such a pleasure.
Is good that you are sleeping some good hours. My psychiatrist tends to say what's most important is that you wake up properly rested. I take olanzapine at the moment to manage a bout of mania I had over Christmas (I have bipolar as well) and I am careful most nights to take my medicine and be in bed by 9. When I deviate from my routine or have some wine during the day or in the evening I know I will pay with insomnia so I try to measure myself. Routine, essential oils like lavender, nightime tea or a hot chocolate, relaxing music before bed and completely avoiding the news has improved my sleep patterns a lot.
Take good care, let us know how you are getting on, will be thinking of you