I write this while watching my little boy on the monitor with tears in my eyes for actually writing down my feelings for the first time.
I'm not sure if I've got PND but it's the only explanation I can come up with for how I feel and I found this website whilst looking for help online. I dont really know where to start so I'm sorry for the rambling.
I had my little miracle boy through IVF with a donor and he compleyes me, I feel like I was put on this earth to be his mum.
I has him through c section and on the way to the ward afterwards with my mum they informed us that my bay visiting hrs were over so she had to leave immediately. I cried into my baby while my mum left in tears and I felt so alone.
I hadn't had chance to ask my mum for advice on what to do in the first 24hrs with feeding ect and I was left to it really on the ward. It sounds so stupid to type it now but I thought my baby needed to be kept wrapped up and his hat on like he was on the recovery ward and it didn't even cross my mind to check with the nurses and its always in the back of my head like what if I'd made him too hot ect.
Also I just fed him (bottle fed)whenever he woke up, approx every 2hrs and it took him months and months to get to going 4hrs between feeds whereas all of my family told me their children were feeding every hrs 4from the first night in the hospital and i feel like if id have had even half hr on the ward with my mum I could have discussed all of these things with her and not just second guessed myself all the time. I dont know why I didn't ask for help I think I was just in a bubble and I just keep thinking could I have given him a better start.
for months and months my little boy hated being in the pram/carseat and much preferred to be on me/in the carrier and I think its because I didnt put him in the pram because I was in alot of pain so he sat with me alot on the sofa or he was having cuddles with famuly/friends and I keep thinking why didn't I just walk him around the house in the pram or just have him next to me in the pram. Also because I couldn't drive he only went in the carseat after 2weeks and it was only once a week to go to the supermarket and I wish I'd put him in it more to have prevented all the crying in it further down the line.
with feeding I used aptamil/aldi version because that's what everyone said to use and it was easily accessible but my little boy suffered with wind alot and I eventually moved to hipp organic and the difference was instant and I keep thinking if only I had started on that my little boy wouldn't have gone through all that discomfort in the first few weeks.
I am still so emotional and cry so easily , especially when i think of all these things that i could have have done better.i hate leaving my little boy to the point that I've changed my job so I only have to leave him(with my mum)2 days a week but the anxiety it gives me leaving him is crippling and I have to fight back tears everytime, even if he's going for a quick walk to he shop. I don't ever want to be away from him to the point where I don't enjoy things that I used to unless he is with me and I haven't spoken to anyone that feels the same, most people say they can't wait for some time away which makes me think that I have PND.
I struggle to sleep when he's in his cot because I feel like I just need to watch him and still check that he's breathing.
I dont know what I hope to achieve from this but I think even just writing it down might help me. I dont know whether anyone else feels like this or if I'm just losing it but anyway thanks for listening.
I dont feel like I can talk to anyone else and I feel like family think I'm doing fine.