Uncontrollable anger

Hi ladies,

I've not been doing too great lately, I still have those horrible intrusive thoughts and have been trying to deal with this uncontrollable anger at everything little thing. I was up with the lo this morning and I am soo exhausted being on olanzapine, he threw a photo at me and I yelled at him and threw the photo and broke it. He wasn't bothered but I know feel terribly guilty and I'm scared of what might happen next. I wanna run away think he might be better off with his dad. I sleep all the time and feel like I don't spend a lot of time with my wee boy :( meds make me exhausted.

Is anyone going through the same thing ? Please help x

39 Replies

  • Hello Kellyandbabykyle

    I'm not going through the same thing as you will know my PP and recovery were years ago. I just wanted to say that you should not feel guilty as you are coping with so much at the moment. Have you been back to your GP about your medication because it might need adjusting if you are so exhausted and sleeping a lot?

    I well remember that feeling of fight or flight .... it's not easy if you are having intrusive thoughts and you sound as if you need a break. Can your little one's dad or family help out until you have a review of your medication? When you feel your anger building it's better if you can go to another room until you feel calmer. I've read from my notes that I was argumentative which was not 'me' but it's just how the illness affects us.

    Try not to worry and stay safe. If you do need to get everything out of your head the Samaritans are there 24 / 7 on 116 123. Perhaps the out of hours GP service is available to you this weekend if you are in the UK?

    Take care and keep writing here if it helps.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    Thank you for ur reply. I have been back to the mental health team and they switched me to olanzapine at 5mg but it's not blocking out anything. I've tried reducing meds and increasing with docs permission but nothing helps. I do need a break but my partner also watches Kyle when I'm working so he needs a break too.

    Thank you I should have time out but I'm not a angry person so must be the illness. I'm going to get an app tonight before I go home I need some help and just reassurance that everything will be okay

  • Hello Kellyandbabykyle

    Did you manage to get an appointment tonight? I hope you are ok. It must be a big strain for you being at work and trying to cope at home with your partner's help. Hopefully the care team will be able to sort the right dose of meds for you. The key is for them to find the right balance that suits you so that the voices fade and you can feel better.

    It is the illness that changes us .... almost as if we become a completely different person but with the right medical care everything will be ok.

    Don't worry about replying, I'm sure you're exhausted.

    Take good care ...... we are all here to listen and help if we can.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    I called nhs 24 and they got a cpn to call me and she said I was to take 10mg of olanzapine and see how I go for a few days. I'm soo tired today. Yeah it's exhausting at work as I do massage all day. I know I just wanna be me again happy and out-going. Thank you :)

  • Hi I'm so sorry to read you're struggling so much. are you under a mental health team and do you see a psychiatrist? it's important you see someone who knows what to do with psychiatric meds, not just your gp. I would really go back to them. keep a diary if you can of all your thoughts and how you feel each day and take it to your appointment. I hope you can get one soon?

    I really hope you can get some good support and you feel better soon, it does sound like a case of finding the right meds...you will definitely get better.

    Take care, write whenever you need to

  • Hi Ellie,

    I see my mental Health professional every few weeks but I don't have a psychiatrist that I see often. I know they have changed my meds 3 times, just doesn't seem like anything is working. I hope I start to feel better soon

  • Hello kellyandbabykyle

    I'm really sorry to hear you're so exhausted. Such a shame that the right balance of medication hasn't been found to help you yet.

    If you live in the UK I wonder if your GP would consider referring you to the APP Second Opinion Service at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... Prof Jones has given such good advice to mums and health professionals regarding diagnosis and management.

    I hope you will have time to rest in between your busy work schedule and caring for your family.

    Take good care and let us know if we can help.

  • Hi Kelly

    That's good you're with a mental health team, and you do see them every few weeks. Do phone them whenever you need them though. When I was ill I wouldn't usually ring them if I was feeling bad, not wanting to bother them and I should carry on, but I think you should never doubt to ring them, that's what they're there for. I see that they have given you Olanzapine. I was on Olanzapine too, it was very sedating. I would usually go to bed at 9pm, but in some way I think that was good as sleep was important for my recovery, for my body and brain to rest and recover.

    I had a similar thought to Lilybeth actually, if you could ask your mental health team or GP to refer you to the second opinion service. Ian Jones is excellent, and probably the most knowledgeable psychiatrist about PP, and perinatal mental health generally. I know many others have found him really helpful. Do make sure you explain to them that it's free for them (your local authority). I think you are in the UK?

    The other thing I thought is just to try and reduce as much stress as possible from your life. Don't do things that make you feel stressed, if you can help it (e.g. I couldn't cope with going somewhere with lots of people for a while). I remember someone saying to me it's like you've 'broken' your brain, if you had broken your arm you wouldn't be using it all the time, you would give it time to heal. I found that helpful, in trying to take the pressure off myself, so that my 'brain' could heal.

    I really hope you're able to get the support you need, and you will recover soon. I know you will get better, I remember feeling like I would never be myself again. Hold on to all you have achieved - you have made huge steps in your recovery, you have a job - that is amazing. But recovery, from my experience, was up and down.

    Take care, keep writing whenever you need to X

  • Yes yes yes. I'm on seroquel and feel so fatigued in the mornings. It's so hard to remain patient with my 18 month old when all you want to to do is sleep. It doesnt feel sustainable long term. Ive been lucky that i can ask my mum for help so until recently she has been here to allow me to return to bed in the mornings and afternoons while she looks after my baba. Im working towards reducing the dose. I find that with the lengthening days my mood has improved. I need the meds more in the midst of the misery of winter and long nights.

    you will find the right balance for your circumstances.

  • Hiya

    I'm sorry you're suffering so much at the moment. I definitely agree that the angry spells are due to illness and not your fault at all. Have you found any practical ways to help, like going into another room for a while or counting? I wondered if you're managing to get any time to relax. E.g. when things really get on top of me I like to listen to music, walk or have a bath but of course everyone's different.

    You definitely WILL recover. Without a doubt. I have had two episodes of psychosis now (because I have bipolar) but I am recovered and the same will happen for you. Pp is very treatable.

    look after yourself. i am sending you lovely happy wishes


  • Hello Kelly

    I hope you have managed to have time out from work over the Bank Holiday. Has your care team been able to find a better medication for you?

    Thinking of you ...... take care.

  • Hi Kelly,

    I am Sabine and have had PPP in 2010.

    I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Do not blame yourself for your behaviour, because those uncontrollable feelings are triggered by the illness.

    My partner visited me on a daily basis twice in a psychiatric unit and I have had a lot of challenging behaviour as professionals struggled to cope with me and to find the appropriate dosis and type of medication, meaning I was unable to sleep properly for 4 weeks and often locked up in solitude.

    And yes, Kelly I am fine! I have a beautiful nearly 6 year old son and my wonderful partner by my side. He always helps me to assemble the puzzle peaces in the one year I've lost due to PPP. I just remember it was a beautiful summer and my garden probably had the biggest sunflowers ever....we all have a story to tell...

    A big hug and quick recovery,


  • Hello Kelly

    Has your care team managed to find the right balance of medication for you? I hope the mental health professional who sees you is monitoring how you are. Perhaps you might be referred to a Psychiatrist if you're still feeling exhausted. Have you been able to have a break from work?

    Thinking of you ...... take care.

  • Hello Kelly

    Have you felt any better since your last post? Has your mental health professional managed to find a medication that works for you? It must be very difficult for you trying to cope at work and how tired you feel.

    I hope you are finding a few minutes to rest although it's hard to do with routine and work.

  • Hi Sabine,

    Thank you for your inspiring post, makes me hopeful I will get through this :) X

  • Hi lilybeth,

    I've tried quite a few times to get a hold of my mental health nurse but heard nothing back. I am really struggling, not only with the intrusive thoughts but now depression, like I don't wanna leave the house, even get out of bed is a huge task. I feel I can't cope with my little boy and get angry to easy. Feel like every little thing is impossible it's awful. I'm only on 2.5mg of olanzapine and struggling to get up and have no energy.

    Works hard and tiring, but gives me a little break. I just wanna enjoy my time with Kyle but I'm soo exhausted I can't seem to, it's not fair on him.

    I just don't enjoy doing anything anymore. Can you recommended any anti physcotics that aren't sedating? And I think I'm gonna ask to go on an anti depressant maybe help me feel a bit better.

  • Hi Kellyandbabykyle

    I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. It does sound like you have depression. I had depression too after PP and it was so hard, but it does get better slowly. I felt lack of interest in everything, and just wanted to stay in bed at times. I did take an anti depressant as well as an anti psychotic.

    It really sounds like you need a meds review, and also to see your mental health nurse regularly, that's not good she hasn't been in touch with you even though you've tried to contact her. Do keep trying her, and try and leave a message saying how bad you feel, but also can you contact your GP and ask for an appointment, maybe they will be able to help you get more mental health support as they can get in touch with the team on your behalf and it may get things moving. I don't know if you have a named GP you can trust, or you can ask your GP surgery if there is a GP who specialises in mental health, and try to see them? I also wonder if you could go to a health visitor appointment (open surgery?) and tell them how you feel, and they may be able to get support moving for you too?

    You will get better, but I found it was an up and down road, and it is important you get the right support. I found psychology input helpful (some CBT techniques and just counselling) - maybe your GP could also put you forward for 'time to talk' counselling also? It takes a bit of time but at least you would get it eventually.

    In terms of getting angry and impatient with your baby - it is really natural. Even this week I've been struggling with my 4 year old, and feeling so guilty at the way I've not handled some things....

    I also wonder if Home Start would be able to help you? They have volunteer mum's who can come and help you, and build up a relationship with you.

    I hope some of these ideas are helpful.

    Take care X

  • Hi Ellie,

    Yeah I definitely feel depressed although my mental health nurse says because I have my make up and hair done, she doesn't think I am. It takes a lot of effort to get ready.

    I haven't made an appointment with my doctor again, but think it is something that might help get to the bottom of what's happening.

    I spoke to the psychiatric doctor and he is changing my meds, as he knows I have no energy and completely sedated on olanzapine.

    Thank you for the suggestions, il try some of them out and see how that goes.

    Aww least I'm not the only one, it is hard work at times but I do feel guilty when I can't cope X

  • Hello Kelly

    Really sorry that having the awful intrusive thoughts. I'm not sure if the clip from a CBT therapist explaining the issues behind trying not to have certain thoughts will be helpful. I'm not too good with links so I'll ask one of the other mums to help me. It's on Youtube, entitled OCD Treatment : understanding intrusive thoughts ...

    Depression is very hard to lift yourself out of and you are doing really well just to function and go to work. I also had depression and like you, some days, all I wanted to do was hide under the bed clothes. I would ring your GP and ask what's happened to your mental health nurse support, even go to the surgery and sit there until they can find out for you .....

    Can you call nhs24 as you did before to speak to a CPN about your medication? I think you should at least be given an appointment to see the psychiatrist so he can advise your GP. It's not very good care ......

    It's hard to cope when you're feeling tired and understandable that you're irritable. If you can get the right medical care you should see a difference. It does take time to lift your mood when you're depressed but you will eventually get there. Your son will be happy with hugs ....... you're a great mum fighting to be well for him.

    Thinking of you.

  • Here is the link to the video on YouTube -


  • Hi Lilybeth,

    Thank you for the video, I have seen this one before and it really does help.

    Just feels like I'm not getting any better and there's no support for me. I am getting my meds changed again so see how that goes this time.

    Thank you that's all I wanna be( a great mum) with some energy, as he deserves that more than anything.

  • Hello kelly

    You shouldn't feel guilty when you can't cope ..... it's not easy when there's no support. I think you're doing really well to go to work when you feel so low. Perhaps you need to see the psychiatrist to be assessed properly? He's been adjusting your medication and trying different ones but you're no better so that can't be good for you.

    That's a good idea to talk to your GP so you can honestly say how you feel. Tell him how you are finding it hard to function every day and you need a proper assessment. Do you think he would be willing to refer you to Prof Jones at APP's Second Opinion Service, mentioned here earlier? I hope he will give you the support you need.

    Be very proud of how you are coping under all the stress, which I hope will ease for you soon. Take really good care ..........

  • Hello Kelly

    I hope you found some time to relax at the weekend. Is it possible that you could ask one of the other beauty therapists to book you in for a massage where you work? I think that would be really good for you if you could arrange it.

    Do you think you will find time to see your GP this week? I know work and earning money takes priority but you really need support to get you through this. I know how just getting out of bed in the morning can be an uphill struggle when your energy is low.

    Take really good care .............

  • Hello Kelly

    Just wonder how you have been since your last post? Did you manage to speak to your G.P for support ...... was your medication change any help?

    I hope you are ok. It must be such a struggle to go to work when you're not feeling well but trying your best to cope.

    Take good care .... thinking of you.

  • Hello Kelly

    I hope you are ok. Did you manage to get any support from your GP with your depression and intrusive thoughts?

    Thinking of you ........

  • Hello Kelly

    It's been a while since you last posted so I hope you are ok. Have you had any support from your GP and do you feel any better since your medication changed?

    I hope work is not too stressful and you have found time to relax a little.

    Thinking of you .......

  • Hello Kelly

    Sorry to crowd your inbox ..... just thinking about you and wondering if you are feeling any better with the change in medication? I really hope you have found support from your GP as coping with illness, trying to cope at home and work, can be very tiring.

    Take care.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    I'm not doing great atm, struggling to breathe with my asthma, and down with a sickness bug. Life is hard, work is tiring and to top it all off I haven't seen my mental health team in a long time and they don't seem interested. I got put on antidepressants a few months ago and I still get intrusive thoughts and I feel better some days and then just awful sometimes. I don't know what I have anymore and it's awful not knowing what's happening to you and when u will recover. Also my partner never talks about what I'm going through and isn't very supportive tbh which is really hard.

    Thanks for caring. Speak soon hope your well too x

  • Hi kellyandbabykyle

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are really struggling, phew it sounds really hard, and also that you don't feel supported by your partner either. Do you have any friends or family you feel able to confide in?

    I can't believe you haven't see your mental health team for a long time. Have you tried to contact them to meet? I would suggest that you keep a diary of your moods, and the kind of intrusive thoughts you're getting, and go to your GP, contact your mental health team, and say this is what I'm struggling with and show them the diary with everything in it.

    Are you an anti psychotic medication as well, or just an anti depressant?

    Thinking of you, and I do hope that somehow you can get the support you need. Do write here whenever you need /want to - no pressure obviously - but we are here for you.


  • Hi Ellie,

    Unfortunately I don't have any1 I can talk to apart from on here. I have spoken to my gp and she said she would speak to the psychiatrist but heard nothing back and that has been a few months now :(. I also went to an open day psychologist but they could only spare me 15 mins and all they had to say was that I should go to a sure start group so I can meet other mums( wasn't very useful).

    I've gave up with my mental health team. Last time I seen the psychiatric doctor he said that I didn't have ppp anymore as it's been over 2 years, so he just gave me an antidepressant and that's all, I was soo scared that I wouldn't be able to control those intrusive thoughts, but I've just had to ignore them best I can, and know that I love my little boy and I would never want to hurt him.

    My mum had ppp when I was born and I thought I'd be able to talk to her about it and what I was going through, but tbh she isn't there for me at all and doesn't even see her grandson much so don't have a lot of support. It's great that I know I can come on here and get that support I need. Thank you


  • Hello kelly

    Sorry to hear you're not very well, trying to cope with asthma and a sickness bug must be very tiring. Do you think your GP will be able to contact the mental health team so that you can be seen quickly? You need a lot of support to be able to cope with intrusive thoughts, especially if you are trying to cope at work.

    I think you need to make an appointment to see your G.P so that he / she knows how low you are feeling at the moment and ask for help. It's very hard to lift your mood if you're not having the right support.

    It might seem a long way off at the moment but with good medical care and support you will fully recover eventually. Will you be able to have any time off for half term?

    Take good care. We are all here for you.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    I have just moved house so I am registering at a new doctors and hopefully they will be more helpful. Yeah I should make an appointment with my GP to discuss how I'm feeling, I just feel they never help much at all, but will give it a try.

    I only work Friday and Saturday 10am-8pm, but I have Kyle all week and never get a break which is hard work, although love spending time with the wee one, but he's a handful with tantrums and being 2 year old.

    Thanks for the support, it's much appreciated. Hope ur well too x

  • I should add that I have my own beauty business and this is stressful too and hard work as I do a lot of massages, but love what I do and it makes me happy so that's a positive :) x

  • Hello kelly

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. Moving house is such a stressful experience on its own without adding being under the weather as well. I hope as you settle into your new home things will be easier. I really hope your new G.P will be more helpful, perhaps you can book a double appointment to make sure you are listened to? Also, if you can keep a note of your moods each day this might give the new G.P an idea of how you are trying to cope from day to day.

    Even working Friday and Saturday must seem long days. I think I've said before it's a shame you can't treat yourself to a massage to loosen up all the tension ..... although I've never had one myself :) It's good that you feel happy and positive about work. I'm sure the hugs from your little man keep you strong. Try to have a break, even just a stroll in your new surroundings to the nearest coffee shop with your husband or a friend if possible. Just having a short break from routine might make a difference.

    Sending you a virtual hug ........ Take care, I'll be thinking of you. x

  • Hi lilybeth,

    Yeah it was stressful moving house but I feel a little more settled now and love the new place. Yeah that sounds like a good idea, I will ask for one next week.

    I'm booked in for a massage on Sunday, so I'm looking forward to it, some me time. You don't know what you are missing not having a massage( soo relaxing).

    Kyle is the reason I am trying so hard to stay strong, words can't explain how much he means to me.

    Thank you lilybeth, I will try that :). Feeling a bit better today, just wish every day was like this. Hugs x

  • Hi Kelly

    I've just been catching up on your replies. I can't believe the lack of professional support you seem to be getting, even though you keep trying to get help. I think a key is having a good GP who takes you seriously and then tries to get you the support you need, and advocate for you, and follows up. I agree with Lilybeth moving is so stressful too... I would definitely get down to your new GP, maybe ask if there is a GP that specialises in mental health at the surgery, sometimes there are. And then just tell them everything that happened, about the lack of support you're getting from the teams meant to be supporting you, and how you're feeling. I agree that keeping a mood diary would be good, so you can really prove how you are struggling and what kind of thoughts you're getting.

    I'm sorry as well that you haven't found family support that helpful either. That is really sad.

    Take care, and really hope you can get the support you need. I know it's so hard to keep fighting, and keep asking for support, when you're not feeling well.

    The other thing I wondered is if there is a general mental health peer support charity near you, where maybe you can meet other people face to face? Perhaps this might help you? or for mum's who are struggling. I have heard of a charity called parents4parents which seem to be around me though I think it's national. No idea what it's like but perhaps you could find some support there. Though I know you are so busy looking after your son.

    I remember well the 2 year old days. My son is 5 now but he's a very confident, fiesty young man. I just had a huge battle with him this morning in facton the way to school, it really gets me down sometimes, and can be exhausting and sometimes I question whether I handled things well etc, it's tough sometimes being a mum I think.

    Take care XX

  • Hi Ellie,

    I know it's hard trying to cope with everything and not feeling supported by professionals and family. Yeah I hope there is someone that specialises in mental health at the surgery as they might be able to help me more in depth.

    I haven't heard of any charity like that around my area, as I sometimes wish that I could meet other people in the same situation as myself. I will look into that as it sounds really helpful thank you. There is a mum and baby group I used to go to called sure start, but didn't help with mental health issues.

    Ohh I feel your pain lol, I know the tantrums too well and I was kinda hoping it would get better haha. Yeah your right it is a hard job being a mum, you have this little person you are completely responsible for and is counting on you 24/7. But it's all worth it in the end, and you sound like you are doing a great job :) you too xx

  • Hi Kellyandbabykyle

    Yeah it is definitely worth it in the end. I get a lot of joy too. I've had a great day playing and laughing a lot today. And I always tell myself it's a good thing that he has tantrums and is so strong in what he feels and wants because I think he feels secure and well it's good he's not just a pushover and does exactly what he's told all the time. :) My boy definitely kept me going, and still does.... he's my world too. I think after everything I went through I treasure him, and our relationship, so much because it was so hard at times.

    I know you'll come through this, sorry it's such a long hard battle for you though... I do hope you get that support you need.

    Take care XX

  • Hello kelly

    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today and looking forward to your 'me' time on Sunday. I think that's so true that we battle on for the love of our children as they are so precious after all we have been through.

    I really hope your new GP will be able to listen and support you. I think there will be a community mental health team for specialist care that he / she can refer you to. Some surgeries have Health Visitor teams where mums take their children to be weighed, etc so you might meet some new mums there if that's an option? You have struggled this far and I hope you can now receive the proper care you so deserve.

    Stay positive and take good care of yourself. x