Hubby suffering after my illness... Two years ago

[Iamfree247]

Please can anyone offer me dome advice. it's been two and a half years since we had our second child and my husband had to hold everything together whilst I was ill. I was ill with my first also so in five years he gas coped twice with looking after us all. He is currently unemployed as he finished a post grad only to find he didn't want to do it and ended up having a panic attack on his last placement and pulling out. He has never has any major mental health issues but he keeps feeling low,crying and feeling useless and has too much time on his hands to think about everything. He says he feels he lost a part of himself after I was ill the second time and hasn't felt right since. I have said I will book him in at docs but he doesn't see what they can do, he is open to counselling but I feel it would be good to go to the GP first. I also feel responsible for the way he is I it was my illness that's caused it,I know deep down I couldn't have prevented it but still hard to know it was because of it as it why he feels like this. He's not low all the time, gets up and dressed, is looking for jobs etc, but every few days hits a wall. Are there any good online advice for men who have been affected by PP, he's not overly keen for forums though. Any help much appreciated xxx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

You could have been writing about my partner...honestly. It's been 5 years since I had PP and it was about 2-3 years after that my partner did really struggle to the point he was signed off work with stress for a couple of weeks. What really helped him was counselling just through NHS. Warning - it did take a couple of months to come through because of the waiting list. He had 6 sessions with a really good counsellor who helped him realise that a lot of his anxiety / depression he was experiencing was actually post traumatic stress linked to everything that happened when I was ill. For him once he'd talked through it all, and realised that, somehow it did seem to help. He did end up leaving that job (support worker) and did a really mundane / practical job for a while but is now back supporting people again. I think he just needed that break from 'responsibility' and 'caring'. - I say this just to reassure you in terms of your husband's work situation etc. He probably just needs a bit of a 'break' to recover himself, now you have recovered. i know financially that can be really tough though!

In terms of support for him your husband could register for one to one peer support and we would try and connect him with a dad whose partner went through PP who he could write to? The link for our one service is here: app-network.org/peer-support/

The one to one peer support generally is done through private message on health unlocked.

I also wanted to make sure you have seen our support for partners on our website which includes a guide for partners which he may find useful to read, its free to download app-network.org/partners-2/

I hope all this is helpful.

Ellie

[Sarah2015 in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Is it possible to suggest to him that going to see a GP will get him a referral to a counsellor?

Men seem to avoid the doctors -I don't really understand why(?)

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Sarah2015]

Hello lamfree247

Thank you for coming to the forum. I had PP twice many years ago, without knowing my diagnoses. My husband didn't talk about what happened as my parents thought it best. So over the years he bottled everything up and unfortunately had a breakdown after my second PP. It was very strange and sad how the tables turned and I was visiting him in hospital. From reading my notes recently I now know what my family went through with my extreme behaviours and delusions.

Please don't feel responsible for your husband's low mood ..... I carried unfounded guilt for years as I didn't know what had happened to me. It's not our fault .... we had no choice.

I think your GP would be a good place for your husband to access support for himself as he can signpost him to counselling, etc. Just to talk about his feelings and get all his worries out of his head, might lift his mood? Try to book a double appointment so that there is more time for the GP to listen. There are also NHS counselling services he can refer himself to, depending on where you live in the UK.

I'm sure you have had nights out for two over the years but even just going out for a cup of tea or coffee when money's tight is a break from routine, or even going for a long walk? I'm not sure if exercise can lift moods but perhaps he could try different activities, swimming with your children might be fun

Try not to worry as this is not good for your own health. You will find a way to come through this together and reaching out for support is the first step. Sometimes a hug is a great comfort .....

Take good care and drop in here again if we can help.

[Iamfree247 in reply to Lilybeth]

Your reply has helped me a great deal,thank you I really appreciate your support xxx

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Iamfree247]

Happy to help ..... we are all here to lean on.

Take care xxx

[Iamfree247]

Just to update...hubby went to GP who is also my regular GP and hes very kind so he got on well.he was referred to the chaplaincy service at the surgery and went to see them the next day and found it useful.hes goin back to the GP again next week as hubby won't take medication (he's never had medication for low mood ever) and doc wants to see how he is in case hes not improved

I've already seen an improvement in his mood and hes gonna get some private counselling too.thanks again for the replies,even though I am well now it has been tough watching my hubby suffer.

For those out there who cannot see the hope of getting better....you will ...it's a process and you will get there xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello lamfree247

Good to hear from you. I'm glad your husband's mood has improved and he's now on board with the benefits of counselling. It's good that your GP is monitoring him too. It must be a relief to you. It's very difficult for partners to support us through PP and as we are on another planet we don't realise how much they have coped with ... really pleased for you both.

As you say, recovery is a process and day by day with the help of professionals and family we do find our feet eventually. We are a unique band of mothers .......

Take good care and please drop in again if you would like to chat.