Connection Post Partum Psychosis New here First Post

[Snowy122]

Hi everyone,

I am in tears here i feel i cant talk about my experience and hi have some fear around what if the Psychosis comes back again..

I was diagnosed with severe Post Natal Depression and Post partum Psychosis with other behaviours i had a few relaspses. One of the hardest thing i had ever to go through but now i am 3 years in my recovery journey i have only started talking about Psychosis i am scared to say i had as i dont want other mums or people to think this could happen them all i want is to make people aware that if you let things go it can get worst..

My PND started before i had 4th boy it started with my first boy who was 8 i was first of all worried about giving birth i only got 1 counselling session then i was informed oh your Ok you will not need anymore now i know you need more than one session.. The birth was traumatic as first baby i felt so guilty for a long time after the birth then pregnant 2 time when my first was only 6 months moved house pregnant with 3rd another traumatic birth 3rd degree tear then last Birth emergency C section it was about May or evn before that symptoms where getting bad i wanted to end my marriage i wasnt sleeping i was scared all the time...

The hardest decision i had to make was to give up breastfeeding out of the 4 of them who i breastfed i felt that i really bonded with him but i didnt know what else to do it still hurts at times ..

I am from Northern Ireland and got involved with acharity Support 2 gether they saved me and my family ..

There is not a lot of services here in Northern Ireland for perinatal and post natal depression..

i know it was 3 years ago but i came across your information the other night it would be just nice to link up with somebody to talk about it .. sorry for the long post

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello Snowy122 and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough few years - PP and other mental illness at what should be a happy time for a family is awful isn’t it.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve not been able to access much in the way of specialist services in Northern Ireland but it’s positive that you have had some good support for your family from another charity and found us here too. We’re also campaigning along with others to improve services in Northern Ireland. It’s so important everyone can get good support wherever they live.

APP has been a great source of info and support for me and my family, (I was unwell after my eldest was born) and there’s some information on our website including our Insider Guides; the Recovery one could be useful for you: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

You might also find comfort in reading others experiences there, along with here on the forum. Having a cry can be cathartic too, I hope you have someone at home you can talk to a little too?

I know it’s scary at times, thinking that you could become unwell again, and we all understand that - we’ve been there too. Thinking of you, take care, xx

[Snowy122 Volunteer in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

Hi Hannah

I would like to get involved with campaigning for better services where do i start for Northern Ireland? Could i get involved with this but also link it up with the charity Support 2 gether..

This needs to be talked about and stigma around it lessen..

I have set up a blog on facebook but i haven't really went into my full story i have started to write a book and now i have a idea for 2..

i feel sometimes scared to talk about me because then i think people will think its all about her but its not that i want to inform families that it takes time and allow yourself feel your emotions i like the quote from Inside Out "When you start to feel you start to heal"

I would like o even get a chance to speak to somebody over the phone or the opportunity to visit your charity and meet people in person if that could be set up after the lock down i would really appreciate it..

Thank you for your reply x

[Cozandco Volunteer]

Hello Snowy122,this is Cozandco I am one of the volunteers with APP after I joined a year ago.

So glad you reached out, that in it's self is the hardest thing to do and I hope writing down your feelings was helpful too.I know it has been for me.

Three years is not too long and you have shown great resilience and perseverance to be there for your family where resources have been limited for you to access.

For myself I had my children 30 and 27 years ago and have not felt safe to really say about my experiences in full for many years and I feel that I was very well supported for the time I experienced Postpartum Psychosis.

There is so much support to be found in this space and peer support is priceless.

Something that one of the videos that was shared this week for maternal health awareness really stood out to me and was really helpful was"you would not have chosen this route for yourself".I can only agree and I feel the experience changed me for the better now with the benefit of hindsight.It has been a journey and there were many twists along the way.Know you are not alone and you have nothing to reproach yourself about.

Sending you much love and healing x

[Snowy122 Volunteer in reply to Cozandco]

Hi Cozando

I am glad you received support thats amazing back 27 or 30 years...

Thank you for your reply.. Supppose i need to go back when i was younger mum came from a big family she lost her dad before she married, she got pregnant before she was married so due to circumstances in Northern Ireland you had to get married..

She moved from a house that was full of laughter fun busy etc to beside her mother in law who had 5 children and lost her husband when my dad was 12 coming up to xmas.. Dad would of been very strict not in a bad way but granny would of been very cold i felt i could never asked what happened my Grandad she wouldnt of been huggy or we had to be very quiet when i went into her house..

Dad family would be very reserved and polite wouldnt interfere attitude is just get on with it

I am not talking about them in a bad way but i grew up in a small village where everybody knew eachother which is a good thing but mum felt she didnt fit in i am the same i have flit through a lot of friends i have never fallen out with anybody it just the way it happened..

When mum moved 30 miles away from her mother .. she lived outside her mother in law house in a mobile home dad was getting a business of its feet.. She helped daddy a lot to get where he is now but she would never treat herself or go to a spa, Mum had very low self esteem she suffered severe post natal depression as well but it wasnt talked about then, I dont blame her for what i went through she was a strong woman and still is. She puts everybody first besides herself she had 4 of us..

She had very little support as well she became great with my aunt who she then would of helped her out like taking all of us to school.. picking us all up.. 2 of them were support for each other men were different..

She took her brother in who split up from his wife he went through a serious depression , she took his 4 children into, a neighbour from her home area move beside house she looked out for him he was an alcoholic.. she put her depression into everybody else and when i grew up i did the same but i had low confidence self esteem i was so paranoid how i looked i hated myself as a young lady , i felt i wasnt smart enough .. i didnt tell anybody because i didnt want my mum worrying about me.. usual went through bullying was scared of boys because of dad he shouted a lot not in a bad way ..

I am an older mum too .. my dream is to educate young women in becoming self aware and to inspire my boys too.. and to provide mums with hope and once that has started build then they can let the love in for themselves and share this with others i didnt realise the importance of self love... now i do..

I feel sad sometimes because i lived in the dark for so long i didnt realised i could make choices that was a big revelation to me i know that sounds silly but realising you can say no and not give an excuse is liberating..

I was scared that my boys will pick up from me and not live the life they want and be like me which i thought would be devastating i went through guilt blame etc..

I am so gratefull i came across yourselves ...

Teresa

[Cozandco Volunteer in reply to Snowy122]

Hi Snowy122,

Thank you for your reply and heart felt retelling of your background and history.

There are many similarities and I have heard of this being described as high functioning depression functioning.

Sounds like you have made many in roads into breaking this pattern/mould.I suppose we can only act on what we know until we know differently.There have been so many advances in ending stigma and most recently which encompasses self care not being a selfish act.Our conditioning from our families and work places while still holding the lessons and love for all those qualities we inherited from them too.

It feels as though the time we are living in globally with the Pandemic,it too has already shown that old patterns have already been changed and we are coming together as a World with "One Heart"-this is a phrase one of my instagram friends used today and is a great summary.

Your boys have a very thoughtful and loving Mummy(I write this remembering my love of the way in Northern Ireland people say Daddy and Mummy across the ages-my daughter calls me Mum now, however she didn't relinquish Mummy until much later than her peers in her early teenage years).

Cozandco x

[Snowy122 Volunteer in reply to Cozandco]

Hi Cozandco

Would it be possible for me to become a peer supporter for APP?

Thank you for taking the time to read my messages .. Support 2 gether has been a great support and i did received counseilling from them and just before the pandemic i was getting CBT from the NHS but i was on a waiting list for 2 years i received a bit more than 6 weeks but i felt even although she was good.. i felt she didnt really understand ..

i feel now i am ready to talk about as well as trying to understand.. before the pandeminic i was training to do a half marathon to raise funds for Support 2 gether because they do amazing work here .. my plan was to dress in black and look like moaning mertel the girl ghost out of one of the Harry Potter films she always moaned and everything was depressing and dark.. Each mile represented a challenge or a milestone i got through to make me a stronger person and then i would take of the dark clothes one piece at each stage so when i come to the end i would be bright beautifull colourfull amazing and free to be me My way My life..

Is this good to discuss and talk about .. I love your friends Our Heart instagram..

Is there research into high functioning depression.. I started to think i had Bipolar because i can get very excited and high and then sometimes i can fell my mood slipping and one of my self help tools is to exercise then i get to a stage making excuses oh i cant be bothered its too late.. i am tired..

I am trying to work out when i actually need to rest when i get really tired and a time to exercise..

Self Aware is powerfull

Love Teresa ( Thank you i got really annoyed with myself last night because i coudnt do something and i was taking it out on my husband and i did apologise to him because he didnt annoy me i was disappointed in me..

I know i need to change my diet and i am really struggling with that .. because when i eat rubbish that has an adverse affect on me ..

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to Snowy122]

Hi snowy122

It’s Ellie, I’m the national peer support coordinator here at APP and had pp myself in 2011 after the birth of my son.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, it’s so great you’ve found the forum.

I think you have got in touch with us through the website too, from what you’ve written? I will write you an email later and can tell you about APP and perhaps we can arrange a time to talk.

I hope it’s helped finding us and being able to connect. I know for me finding others who have been through pp has been so important to my recovery. It’s great you’ve found support through an organisation locally too.

Take care

Ellie

[Cozandco Volunteer in reply to Snowy122]

Hi Snowy122,

I love the half Marathon idea-yes ending up as a Rainbow-brilliant.

This is my second attempt to reply I think I pressed the shift button by mistake so I hope I can remember my original words.

I think I mentioned High functioning Depression as an umbrella term.I have a Bipolar diagnosis which happened after the PP episodes.

The lock down has bought about a slight reoccurrence after many years of being pretty stable.I can get very scattered and take on too much before I realise.Yes me too re CBT has been an amazing help and the techniques and tools can be reached when you remember was hard work but so worth it.

My husband(second) was a bit taken aback with my need to do it all and getting a bit irritable and anxious as he had not seen me when I was ill.So pleased you have an understanding husband it really helps doesn't it.

The forum is manned by a different administrator each day like Hannah one of four or more as well as designated volunteers and pass back all releavant information.It has been noted that you would like to offer peer support.I am sure Ellie who is manning the forum today will be in touch with you in due course when she can.

Listening to all the wonderful shared stories about VE day on the local radio-the renewed community spirit that has reemerged since the lock down is amazing.

Cozandco xx