Fight or flight first thing in the morning every morning. What is my brain telling me I can't even hide under the covers anymore.

[jimboble]

I have been recovering from the worst depression of my life in these last few months. A very bad relationship break up which left me in a home I couldn't afford shortly followed by hospitalisation for physical health led to feelings of abandonment hopelessness fear and suicidal thoughts. I have been dealing with this since August last year but I have slowly overcome the depression by doing everything I can and following as much advice as possible to improve my mental health. Group therapy, meditation and positive thinking have been the most helpful. Also deciding to move out of the house I was left in has helped a lot this decision was the best one of all. I am still in the house and it is a total mess with stuff half packed everywhere. I've done silly things here like gluing things to the wall that all have to be cleaned up and fixed. I'm getting there slowly but surely.

The thing that is most upsetting at the moment is awaking every morning with the worst anxiety and fear it is obvious that it is linked to moving out the house and all the things that have happened here. I just wish I could wake up one morning without the fear. The way I dealt with it this morning was doing some loving kindness meditation having a cup of tea and trying to sand some of the glue off the walls. I really wanted to have a lie in as I felt this used to give me some sanctuary from the anxiety and depression. I have nothing to do until about 4 this afternoon and knew I could have had a lie in but my body just wouldn't allow me to relax. It's so strange because I get to sleep quite easily most nights but wake with this fear which usually lasts most of the day but tapers off towards the night. It has been affecting my diet too I usually force breakfast and sometimes feel hungry at lunch time but don't eat a proper meal at night this may also be adding to the anxiety according to some people I have spoken to.

I just don't understand why it is so powerful in the morning. This fear includes a thought about not having any reason to get up even though I have plenty that needs doing. I think the thought of doing everything on my own is scary too as the relationship that ended, ended very quickly with barely any discussion and the person literally ran away when I needed them most. When they left my physical health was very bad and I needed hospital treatment but my GP was very stupid and had no idea how bad it was so I didn't go to hospital until it became an emergency. The partner I was with left me in this state and never contacted me again. When I came home from hospital after almost a month I had to recover completely alone in this house. I know this house has so much emotion attached to it so maybe this is why I have this fear in the morning in fact the whole area I live in now has started to scare me it's so irrational but also so obvious where this fear is coming from.

I hope when I go out today I can forget about this house for a few hours and make the most of being out of here and tomorrow the fear will not return. The house itself has not done anything to me but the memories attached to it are so powerful I can't wait for the day I never have to come here again or even walk around this area.

Here's hoping I wake up tomorrow with a little less fear than this morning. Weather is grey again too can't help I suppose. Come on sun give us some LOVE.

[Hidden]

Hi Jim,

I totally see where your coming from there.

Within your words I see a little bit of running away, thats what maybe is giving your anxiety the power to come back.

ord abandoned, rings true too, I had that around my parents.

Its said alot of our problems stem from this feeling, insecurity, a feeling of being vunerable.

I worked through this in EMDR therapy, I started as a little scared vunerable (50 yr old) boy and walked out a grown up, well about 27yrs old. I grew up.

One thing that helped a great deal was having a nurturer, and I found it could give me the love I felt I needed. This works very well with the loving kindness you have found, and putting that in your meditations.

But its important to do the meditation when your feeling crap, thats when we learn so much. Face whats happening, accept it and dont fight to get away, float through the feelings, and let time pass, just sit there or do a walking meditation. It does work.

all the best

B

xxx

[jimboble in reply to Hidden]

Thanks B good advice. I'm going to ask my doc about that therapy it sounds interesting. X

[wabra]

i wish i could also weak up one morning without fear and anxiety. one thing i have realised your anxiety gets you when you are alone. when im busy with some thing which doesnt happen very often, i kinda forget about the anxiety disorder. but the very moment i become alone there you go the devil is back. sometime i wish i could be somewhere where people have to fight to survive or get food which might have cure my disorder

[jimboble in reply to wabra]

I know wabra our brains just aren't ready for being alone and living in this crazy world maybe when society becomes more civilised we will be much happier. For now we'll just have to make the most of it I suppose. I'm going to the cinema with friends later but until then I'm alone cleaning my house as much as possible to keep the fear at bay. x