I do write things down a lot on paper but I find it really difficult to explain the exact circumstances/situations I need to address urgently and the way how I feel.
I can’t find a way out of this at all. Spiralled into an abyss of helplessness and unable to move in any direction whatsoever. Feel severely depressed with a lot of thoughts now about ending it all. Even the most simplest of things such as basically thinking of getting a pound coin for the trolley to go shopping feels like a massive struggle, never mind the shopping itself which absolutely exhausts me, but not in an anxious way. It’s like I only have half a brain or something. I can barely remember my PIN number for my bank card. I have hardly any money with 4 young kids at home and I cannot even bare the thought of going on universal credit. My wife hates me and wants me to leave. My kids are suffering because of how I am. I isolate myself even from them. I started to think that maybe I have a underlying medical issue like dementia or something. It’s so difficult for me to explain this feeling. I have circumstances that I need to address but it’s like my brain just turns off and I just stare into nothingness . I just want to go to sleep and never wake up as each day just drifts into another day and each day is the same. I don’t have fleeting glances of any kind of normality/ contentment. I feel like I am in a plastic greenhouse and pressing each flimsy side but unable to push through or for that matter cannot even be bothered trying to push through. Totally in limbo and everything is crumbling and I cannot do a thing about it.