I feel like I am constantly at war with myself. It seems like a losing battle. So I hate this part... Trying to explain everything wrong with me.. It gets exhausting but here it goes:
I have been diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder, heavy on the social anxiety, panic attacks, severe depressive disorder (depression), IBS, PCOS, hormone imbalance, chronic headaches, severe PMS, severe indigestion and a few that I believe I have but have never officially been diagnosed with like OCD and ADD or ADHD. My social anxiety has very much increased. I haven't been able to hold down a job and have been very apprehensive to find new ones. There is always something that makes my anxiety flare up. If it's not the social aspect, it's the schedule, the days and hours. It could be as simple as I am in extreme need of a mental health day and I know I can't take one and that makes my anxiety spike. I'm terrified of interviews because I always say something weird or act weird and can't ever think of good responses to questions. I get shakey and my voice breaks a lot as well as stuttering through my responses. Then if by some miracle I get the job I freak out about actually going to the job and have on several occasions just simply not shown up because it was too overwhelming and my mind wouldn't let me do it. If I do show up I become awkward and afraid of introductions to co workers. I have on a couple of occasions pushed myself to get up and go to work only to drive right by it because, even though I know it's rediculous, My mind refuses to let me go. Like I litterally can not get myself to even turn into the parking lot. Then within an hour I'm bawling like a baby because I am very aware of what that decision means and I feel like a failure and a disappointment. I am just so tired of feeling like that and I know that if I just go out and get any old job I will without a doubt be ending up in that same situation or being fired from calling in too much. Now I am at the point that I can't seem to make myself make serious inquiries into getting a job. I feel horrible because my husband is bringing in the only income and we have a mortgage to pay amongst a lot of other bills. He also has to foot the bill for my prescriptions for my anxiety/depression and my PCOS. Without those I probably would be in a mental hospital by now. He tries to be understanding and supportive but he can only go so far and I can see when he starts to get frustrated. He still does a heck of a lot better than most others I know. They look at me like I'm making excuses and like I'm just lazy and don't want to work with no care of how it affects my household. I see the look of annoyance and it makes me want to hide under a rock. I am a very empathic person, I can tell by the slightest change in someone's body language, facial expression or tone of voice how they feel about the situation. It just makes my anxiety a thousand times worse and has greatly increased my social anxiety. I feel as if it's a never-ending game that I will never win. Damned if I do and damned if I don't so to speak. It's so draining and I feel too guilty going on about my problems to friends and family especially if I know they have issues they are working out. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish. I tried explaining it to my husband one time in a certain way... It may not be perfect but this is what I said. It feels like you're constantly being pushed towards a cliff and there's this massive guy behind you pushing. You logically know that if you were to just jump to either side it could be a lot better but you feel like you're being held in place and no matter how hard you try or how many logical things you make yourself think you can't escape the guy or the cliff. It controls you to your very core. It would be so nice to wake up one day, go to a job and not feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown anymore. I hate small talk... I would rather discuss deep issues but then that will sometimes add to my anxiety. My mind has a million different thoughts and I never know what to say. Too often I have pushed myself to talk and made myself look like a complete idiot which of course I will still be thinking about for at least the next month and five years later it will pop up in my head again for no apparent reason. I am seriously considering trying to get SSDI for all of these reasons but I know it won't be easy and I know my anxiety will be on red alert times ten the whole time. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and the space keeps getting smaller and smaller
I realize this is very long so I apologize for that. I just wanted to not feel like I'm going crazy and overreacting... Like what I'm feeling is legitimate and not made up excuses.. 😞
Feel like I'm losing my mind
Feel like I'm losing my mind here
To scared to function 
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