Hi there. I’m currently struggling with what I’ve discovered is Adult Separation Anxiety (ASAD). I’ve had problems with this for most of my adult life, and have only just found any resources on it as an actual diagnosable disorder.
I’m here today because I’m having a particularly hard time at the moment. Really struggling, and I’m interested to find anyone to connect with that had also dealt with this.
Hi Pandora. How are you doing? I've recently suffered a pretty intense episode of adult separation anxiety due to my partner being out of town, though I haven't been officially diagnosed. Like you, I also have had problems with this for most of my adult life and am seeking options to help me with it. I know how it feels to want to talk to someone who understands. Maybe we can help each other? Anyway, I'm here if you need to talk. I hope you have a good Monday.
Hi shaunakb. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling recently too, how are you now?
I'm doing better now, but my anxiety comes and goes. How're you now?
I’m better now, thanks. He came home Friday night. I still feel a low-level residual sadness and see the need to get help. I went for my first counseling session ever on Friday morning and have another tomorrow. Honestly, it made me feel way worse afterward, but it was good to get started and not drop it just because he was back and I wasn’t in crisis anymore. I read a wonderful quote by JFK, “The time to repair a roof is when the sun is shining.” It was storming on Friday.
You said your anxiety comes and goes, is it only while he’s gone or also when he’s home?
That's a really good quote. I like it because it's totally true. I'm glad to hear you're doing better. I know how difficult it is to receive therapy after the storm has passed so to speak. I've struggled with that most of my life, but I'm glad to hear you're going to stick with it. I have my first session this Wednesday. I haven't had the best luck with therapists/therapy, but I'm willing to give it a solid try. I just want to feel better about myself and learn how to manage it better... so fingers crossed!
I have anxiety both when she's away (mostly business trips) and also when she's home. But when she's home, it's not the separation kind - usually. Sometimes I'll just be sitting here and a thought will pop into my head and it takes hold and on comes the anxiety. It happens at work too, almost for no reason at all. Or no logical reason anyway.
Do you have different kinds of anxiety or just the separation kind?
I’m sorry for using he before you used a pronoun, I shouldn’t have.
I really only have separation anxiety, other than that I’m a pretty calm and low-stress person. I don’t know. I guess he’s so steady and reliable and I feel so secure when he’s here and completely vulnerable and unsteady if I know we couldn’t get to one another quickly. But that’s putting all of my reliance on him and not on myself. It can feel like he’s the adult and I’m the child, and I’m sure he feels that too. It’s a lot of pressure on him, and bless him he does as much as he can to avoid being gone.
I’m going to see how therapy goes. It’s just such an isolating thing I don’t feel like I can talk to friends about because they judge. Most of the people we know deal with travel and separation regularly, we actually do very little because we avoid it. Some seem to love it. So they tell me I’m wrong and I shouldn’t be that way. And until this recent episode, I couldn’t find research on separation anxiety in adults so that made me feel like it’s only something children suffer from and that I REALLY shouldn’t feel that way so how can anyone help? So I tend to isolate while he’s gone and that makes it worse.
I told the counselor that I have a hard time with the term anxiety, since I equate the term with worry. It feels more like grief.....I grieve the separation and distance and engage in behaviors to try to make it not happen or lessen the duration of the separation, which stresses my husband who hates being gone anyway.
I hope your next counseling session goes well, it would be so hard to deal with anxiety all the time. Have you found other things that help?
No worries about the pronouns 
My partner and I are the same with regards to separation and travel. She doesn't like leaving, but sometimes has to for her job. And she also tries to do what she can, but lately, I know it's wearing on her. She's starting to feel like she can't have friends or go out for a couple of hours without me getting anxiety. And knowing that almost makes it worse for me. I've noticed with each episode, it tends to get worse because now I have all this guilt along with the anxiety, which causes me to spiral even faster. But after this last episode, I talked to her about it with reference to separation anxiety and that seemed to help her to understand a little bit better. I've suffered with separation anxiety nearly my whole life and I'm kind of a loner and definitely an introvert, so like you, I tend to isolate myself more when these things are going on. I can also relate to not really having anyone to talk to about it. I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager and trying to find people or even 1 person who can relate to it, is very difficult. People have a hard time understanding and can come off as being judge-y or uncaring. Because of those things, I've pretty much just relied on myself to "figure it out". I've done okay so far, but lately, I feel like I might need some more help in figuring out how to manage it better and more effectively. I'm grateful that my partner also has struggles with anxiety, so there is some common ground there.
I wasn't aware of adult separation anxiety until recently as well because as you said, it's more of a "kid" thing. I also understand what you mean about the word anxiety. Mine is definitely a worry, but I understand the grief part that you described too. I do my best to distract myself when she's away, but sometimes my anxiety gets so big that it seems there's nothing I can do.
When I am able and I'm feeling anxious or the anxiety coming on, I usually try my best to just stop and breathe. Usually I need a little more than that and in that case, I write. I write my thoughts out and how I'm feeling and whether or not I know where it's coming from. I kind of talk it out with myself, sometimes writing affirmations over and over again while still focusing on my breathing. Walks sometimes help, so does music, or even reading a self help book (I've read tons!).
Are there any techniques or methods that you use to help yourself?
Hi, sorry for the delay in replying. I actually just got done with a counseling session and the counselor is suggesting the possibility of having a Specific Phobia. So there’s that.
He also suggested Xanax to help calm down when I’m in crisis. I tried breathing, it didn’t seem to help. Walking/jogging helped while I was doing it since my heart rate should be elevated when I’m exercising, so it felt more comfortable.
Hey, no worries. I hope your session went well. I’ve never heard of a Specific Phobia. Do you think that you can relate to that more? Have you taken medication before? At least it sounds like you can take something as needed rather than all the time. Medicine is good if it’s the right kind for sure.
It’s just an intense, irrational fear of a specific thing. Still an anxiety disorder, but more extreme. I haven’t taken meds before, and this would only be to help calm down when other methods aren’t working.
How are you today?
I'm doing okay today. Feeling a little anxious. It sounds like you had a good visit with your counselor. I'm feeling nervous about my visit today so I hope it goes well. I really have nothing to lose at this point. Do you feel a little relieved to have some back up with the medicine? I've taken medications before and there was really only one that seemed to work, but that was a pill that I had to take every day. How are you doing?
I hope your session goes well and you get some relief. It would help to tell your counselor that you’re nervous.
I don’t know about the medication yet, I guess we’ll see when the time comes. It’s more of a rescue medication to allow me to calm down enough so that other strategies can work, like breathing or meditation.
For sure. I was more asking if it made you feel like you have kind of a safety net now for when your anxiety gets really bad. But yeah, you won’t know how it works until you’re in that situation. I guess for me, I’d feel like I had a safety net just in case. I’ll definitely mention that I’m nervous to the psychologist that I have a visit with today. Always good to be upfront and honest. Thanks for the well wishes.
Hello. I’m having Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I also come here to get to know people who have the similar situation, listen to their stories and help them back. Nice to meet you. Don’t hesitate to speak here.
Thank you very much, so nice to meet you.
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