Maybe my first post?... I’ve been on here so long now but don’t remember actual Talking or posting about what I myself am going through

[Fifi_coren]

So... hi all.

Reading through everyone else’s posts over the time I’ve been here has sometimes really helped me, sometimes it has made my anxiety worse and other times I’ve just felt utterly stupid for worrying about my ‘little’ stresses. Thank you though to everyone else who shares. It’s brave and i appreciate it even though I don’t say so.

I’m pretty fortunate really compared to some people. Ive found there’s a lot of people who really are alone.. literally. It’s so sad.

I feel blessed that I have a wonderful 5 year old girl who I’m single parent to and I live just a few doors down the street from my parents home where my younger brother also lives.

I have a large family with 2 brothers, a recently estranged sister, 11 nieces and nephews and countless cousins.. We’re all pretty close.

I have a small but amazing group of friends who most of have kids n we often get together n let the kids go crazy.

...what have I got to moan about right 🤷🏽‍♀️

Well it seems my life is endlessly fighting challenges that my anxiety is struggling to cope with.

My mom n dad are my best friends.. we’ve always been really close... recently (November 17) my dad passed away.

He’d been sick for a while and we provided 24hour care for him at home. Our whole life’s came to a halt. He was the piece that held us all together.

He and my mom was a beautiful love story.. full of compassion, kindness and always gave us amazing memories.

I feel like I’m lost without him but I’m having to hold it all together cause everything else will fall apart.

I actually want to break down though, I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to fight against the medical staff that repeatedly let him down, I want to not go to work because I believe I should be allowed to take this time to deal with me and what I’ve got going on.

But I can’t 😞

I have to fight my tears.. I have a 5year old who’s heart is breaking as much as mine.

I have to calm the screams because if I start I won’t stop. This war against the medical staff is exhausting because even though they have admitted liability the red tape preventing it from settling so we can move forward is overwhelming. But I can’t give up.. I won’t give up! It was my last promise to my dad.

My chosen career is based on helping other people and I constantly felt un appreciated and they look at me like “you’ve got your life in check.. you’ve no idea what I’m going through”

...if only they knew right?... 🤕

I could go on and probably should as I’ve started now but I’ve given myself a headache.. literally just at the surface of it all...

Until next time I guess.

Thanks for reading xxx

[TNTOwl]

Hello. I am new to this website, and I just joined yesterday. I strive to be of some form of assistance in anyway I can, so if you wish to message me sometime, please feel free to.

Now about your post...I just want to say that in my opinion, death is not as bad as a lot of people depict it to be. Right before you pass away, it feels as if you're "falling into what will be the best rest you've ever had. There is no pain, no worry, nothing. Just peace." Is how people who have died for a few minutes (but later revived by doctors) have described it.

Your father is in a much better place now where ever he is. My father and I did not see eye to eye at all before he passed. But after he left, is when I heard from other people all the great things he said about me while I wasn't around. It made me really sad, and always found myself asking him through the sky "why did it have to be this way?!" Well truth is, sometimes that's the best way for things to go. We all have lessons we must learn the hard way. Otherwise, we won't learn at all.

Don't look at your father's passing as a bad thing. Be happy for him that he no longer has to worry about how he's going to feed the family, how he's going to pay the bills, how he's going to resolve a disagreement he had with someone. He's just resting now. For us to hold someone on earth despite what they're going through in their head would only be selfish of us. I know plenty of people who screamed when they pulled the plug on their grandparents despite their grandparents requesting it. Cursing, screaming, and fighting the doctors...well sometimes it's just their time, and they feel they've done everything they had to do in this life. If they felt there were so much more for them to do, they honestly probably wouldn't have passed in that moment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, he's most likely very happy where he is. And the last thing he'd want is to look down on you all and see or hear that you're in so much pain and holding up your lives for his. Keep him in your heart, but out of your mind. He'll never leave you. He is always with you.

Congratulations on your child by the way. ^^

[Fifi_coren in reply to TNTOwl]

Hello,

Thank you for your reply.

I really appreciate your words and respect how you are able to look at the end of life.

I am in agreement that he did look very peaceful at the moment he passed.. even after, he looked as if he was just resting.

The run up to him passing though was very painful, very distressing and very prolonged and agonising for him.

He passed away with us at home providing his every need and comforting him whatever way we could.

It wasn’t his time though!

He fought extremely hard for nearly 3 years. A few days before.. he knew he wasn’t going to make it and said to us he didn’t want to go.

My dad was only 63. Very fit and active before he passed even used to ride for miles on his push bike.

He died as a result of medical negligence. They did an operation on him which has now been confirmed by a medical specialist as unnecessary . The procedure resulted it total intestinal failure and multiple organ damage. The doctor who did the op went on holiday with the results and didn’t return for a week. During this time he went into a coma and never came out the same.

The catalogue of errors following this is ultimately what resulted in his passing so while I appreaciate that he is no longer in pain.. it wasn’t his time.. he still had lots he wished to do. He hadn’t been home to Jamaica since he left as a 10 year old. He wanted to renew his vows with my mom, he wanted to be able to walk me down the isle, watch his very young grandchildren grow up and so many other things he loved so much. he was by far done with life.

He was a very happy family man and had no grievances with anyone in or outside the family.

He wasn’t ready to go and we wasn’t ready for him to leave.

I don’t think it’s selfish.. I think it’s cruel that this happened to him... to us

He suffered at the hands of people we trusted with his life and we all paid the ultimate price.

Thank you though all the same...

I do see blessings where there was such heartache though. We got to say goodbye, we got to hold his hand, we as his family got to share his last laughs with him and comfort him when he needed it most.

Death is cruel at any time but I guess under circumstances, if he had to go then at least we got to all be together exactly as he would have wanted it xx

[TNTOwl in reply to Fifi_coren]

[You can skip to the last paragraph if this is too long for you.] Personally I don't believe there is a specific time to pass. There have been millions and possibly trillions of organisms that have lived on this earth that weren't ready to go, but the cold hard truth is that what we want doesn't matter. Ultimately it is not up to us. I believe many people fear death and hate death because death is the unknown. We never know when it's going to strike, or what lives after it strikes.

But who knows, maybe nothing lies after. Maybe it's just perpetual peace. Living a never ending dream. At the end of the day when it comes to life, it's like we're all living inside one gigantic box. 7 billion of us all inside one box, and we call this box life. The outside of the box is called "death." Now no one knows what really lies outside the box. You may choose to go out and see, but if you do you cannot come back inside. Some of us speculate that there's water outside the box...some of us say there's angels...some say there are demons...some say there is nothing but black empty space...some of us think there's water, some think there's grass and a beautiful sunset...

But no one truly knows. And even though plenty of us have left outside the box, the ones on the inside still don't know what's outside because anyone who's left has never came back. But what we do know, is that in the moment of passing from the box to outside, that there's this feeling of nothing but peace and slumber.

Believe me, I really do understand your pain. My father passed away on April 12th, 2018. And guess how old he was? He was also 63! He and I did NOT get along AT ALL, and it STILL broke my heart when I heard the news. He (unlike your father,) was being stubborn though...he passed from congestive heart failure. He randomly decided he wanted to go outside in 96 degree weather WITH humidity and cut the grass...my brother kept telling him not to, they even got into a big argument about it. My dad said he wouldn't do it, but when my brother fell asleep, he went outside to do it anyway.

About an hour later my brother received loud bangs on his door screaming telling him that our father was passed out in the grass. My brother called 911, and was giving our dad CPR, the ambulance hooked him up to a breathing device, and got him breathing....but told us his heart had already been in full cardiac arrest and stopped beating. All because he wanted to cut the grass.

So I can only imagine how you must feel having such a good relationship with your father. My father and I didn't get along....my mother and I don't even talk. They're both ex-felons. We weren't allowed to be with them, and for good reason. They can be very vicious and violent people...but it still hurt hearing he left. But what I'm trying to say is that death doesn't have to be some evil thing...why do we paint the unknown as such a cruel thing? In my opinion it's because death takes our loved ones from us...and none of us want to die because we don't know what it's like.

We always fear the unknown...and it will hurt if my girlfriend or brother passes. The same way it'll rip their heart in two if I pass away before them. But ultimately I always tell my family and girlfriend (and I'm only 22,) that if I ever pass before they do, don't cry. Be happy for me. I won't have to worry about taxes, paying bills, where my next meal is gonna come from, what's gonna happen if I lose my job, etc, etc, etc. I don't want to die....not yet...I'm not ready. I have a lot I want to finish before I go. But...it really and truly is not up to me. And the biggest cause of stress and anxiety in this world is worrying and trying to control the things that we can't.

If people want to have a funeral and speak great things about me when I'm gone, that's fine. If people want to keep pictures of me to remind them of the memories I left on their heart, that's fine. But what's not fine, is if they stop living their lives because mine ended. I'm not afraid of death...I'm afraid of a painful one. Which honestly isn't the fear of death, it's the fear of suffering. But you know what I fear more than death? I fear for my loved ones. I don't want to continue to live only for myself...I want to live so I can put my own children in this world, so that I can finally marry my girlfriend, get that dog I've always wanted, get that truck I've always wanted, get that house I've always wanted....for my FAMILY. To provide for others...

I like to think of myself as a very selfless person, and with that being said, the only real thing I fear about death is what will happen to my loved ones when I'm gone. Not what will happen to me. If they should pass before I do, it will hurt. I will cry. And they will be on my mind for some time, but at some point I have to realize that they're no longer suffering, or worrying. They're resting now. And honestly probably in a much better place than us.

[In short]: So please, don't hold any anger in your heart for anyone. Think of it as your father being in a much better place than we're all in right now. And who knows? Maybe you will go where he's gone when it's your time. The end of life, isn't the end forever. So for now, just continue to live your life, and keep him in your heart and out of your head. You'll destroy yourself if you keep letting his death eat at you. And I'm sure your father wouldn't want that.

I'm here for you if you want to continue talking. I may respond late sometimes, but I will respond. ^^