Anxiety Support
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Anxiety is ruining my life and I don’t know if I can fight it anymore

I’ve had depression, anxiety and severe ocd since I was a child. This past year has been the worst of my life. I have suffered to the extent that I was at once point writing my suicide notes. I went to therapy and it helped somewhat, but I’m far from better. I have an appointment next week to go on medication of some sort, but as medication was always a last resort for me, this is a big deal and I’m worried it won’t work, or it will make it worse! Every single day is a battle. I’m pushing my partner away to the point where we have decided to live apart again and he doesn’t want me around like he used to, I can’t say I blame him, he tries so bloody hard to do everything to keep me happy, but it’s never enough, and it’s hurting him too. This evening he’s going for a drink with an old uni friend and I’m so scared he will meet someone prettier, more fun and normal (how I was when I met him) and run off with them instead! I know if I could gain control over my thoughts any myself again that I could be myself again eventually, but is it already too far ruined? Can I ever overcome this? I’ve controlled/suppressed the symptoms fairly well for a while before this, but the second things start to go wrong or things happen that o don’t like and can’t control, I completely unravel! Hence why I have ended up where I am now. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for from writing this, reassurance? I don’t trust him at all because my brain tells me I’m not enough for him and he deserves someone without all this emotional baggage. Help!

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Emfee,

Speaking as someone who has suffered from anxiety, panic disorder, and depression for over two decades I can honestly say that most days tend to be a battle. A battle against letting my thoughts/worries win.

However, I can also say that the only relief I have found has come when I truly accept my symptoms and just be present in the moment instead of running or trying to fight. I am also on anti-anxiety meds.

I too have been in therapy (since I was eleven). It helps at times, but it is knowing I'm not alone (with people like you) that helps me push on and remember that it is just my nerves trying to trick me.

Don't give up. If you're too the point of writing those letters you spoke of please get help before you do anything you'll regret. Have faith and know that you're not alone in this.

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You say anxiety is ruining your life and you don't know if you can fight it any more. Unknown to you what you just wrote is the beginning of your recovery no matter how long or badly you have suffered.

I'm refering to what you say about not fighting any more. That's exactly what you must do to recover: stop fighting it. You've been fighting it for years, what good did it do you? Did anyone in the world ever recover by fighting their anxiety? I don't know of any.

Fighting means more tension and more stress. That's the last thing your tired nerves need, what they really need is less. Fighting is what's been keeping your anxiety alive most of your life. Have you considered doing the opposite thing in order to help your ultra sensitised nervous system recover?

Surrender. Stop fighting your anxieties and accept them for the time being. Accept them utterly and completely and agree to co-exist with them for the moment. Suddenly you're not flooding your nervous system with fear hormones which is what has been keeping them sensitised all this time. So when anxiety strikes next just go limp, let the wave wash over you and past you. And do absolutely nothing to stop it.

You'll still feel rough but you will have won your first victory. You didn't let anxiety generate the fear it thrives on. Build on that victory, emfee, by remembering the three things that will lead to your recovery.

Acceptance, acceptance and more acceptance.

Eventually you will be able to function normally regardless of whether you feel anxious or not. And before too long you will start to feel normal. Because you starved your over sensitised nerves of the fear they thrived on.

Read the second paragraph of Cards5's post here. It's saying exactly the same thing about acceptance as opposed to fighting.

Maybe ask your feller to help you practice Acceptance so he feels part of the healing process. It's only a suggestion.

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