Dangerous thoughts.. *TRIGGER WARNING* - Anxiety Support

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Dangerous thoughts.. *TRIGGER WARNING*

Annielane profile image
3 Replies

So I never thought I'd be the kinda person that was broken like the rest of the world I really did use to love life. I remember having a friend in 8th grade that opened the world of depression to me in a very real way. She was suicidal and self harmed and it was like a wake up call to how real hurt was. I'd been through my fair share of pain in my life but had never even thought to hurt myself. It wasn't a thing to me. But lately (if you read my last post) I have been hurting in the way she did. I remember my nana used to think I was suicidal and a bum and I was offended that she thought those things cause I thought I had it together. But looking back, and looking at where I am now, I think I've always been suicidal. When I was in fourth grade, I was bullied really bad and one of my best friends kinda tried to kill me so it was rough, and I remember asking God to take me to heaven. I guess that's as much of asking for death as you can in fourth grade. Ever since then, I always ask God to take me home. In freshman year of high school, the thoughts got darker. I started wishing for terminal illnesses and car accidents. It's darker now. I don't think I could ever actually take my own life, but I think about what I'd say in a suicide note and such. Don't panic, I am not gonna kill myself... But I definitely wish I could just die. Or at least go into a coma for a while...

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Annielane
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3 Replies

You need to talk to someone about your feelings.

Believe u me I know what it feels like to want to die, in the end you really don't won't to die or go in to coma. You just have a dark shadow over You at the moment,you just need to lift the blinds and see the light.

Good luck with your trials and may u see better times ahead.

lk7889 profile image
lk7889

I know what you mean. I've been trying to find the correct medications for over a year and the hopelessness has set in. I started writing what I was going through in my journal and making notes to myself about getting a living will and will in order so that things would be taken care of when I die. Lately, I've been convinced that I'm going to die by my own hand eventually... it's just a matter of when. It's not that life isn't worth living... life is awesome and bright and full of possibility... it's that MY LIFE WITH THIS ILLNESS isn't worth living...

I went to my psyche and ended up having a panic attack in her office because I was so sure she wouldn't help me. She ended up sending me away with Ativan and taking a DNA test to see what meds would help me out. The Ativan has helped. Of course, I'm worried about getting addicted but taking it daily is better than going into that dark place where my anxiety is 10/10 and the suicidal thoughts are lurking...

Are you on medications for your anxiety/depression? If so, they may be the wrong ones and you may need to talk to your psyche about it. Lots of psyches will get you in soon if you're in crisis mode. Also, if you can afford the DNA test, it might be helpful for you.

Jeff1943 profile image
Jeff1943

Annielane, you will go home to God one day, this is not your time, you must stay here because there is work to do. You are here for a purpose, toevolve into something stronger and wiser. But you can only do that if there is adversity in your life, nobody goes to Heaven on a feather bed. Your task is to face the bad feelings and find your way through to the light.You've already had a lot of pain I know but this obsession with self harm is no answer. You need to find out more about anxiety and depression, the more you find out the more power you have to deal with it. I see no reference to help from doctors and therapists in your post, Annielane, you need them, you must work close with them. But your final victory will be won through self-help. Study the many postings on this forum, you will find answers here. Remember what it was like when you used to love life, it will be that way again I promise you.

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