My anxiety is intolerable.

[BellaLuna]

I have had anxiety for 20 years, for the past 2 years I have had bouts of extreme anxiety that last for months, I'va had two lots of CBT and am due to start another in 3 months, that's the waiting list time.

I have been on diazepam for 20 years, obviously it doesn't help much anymore but my gp said not to reduce it and I have tried other meds too but had bad effects so she doesn't want me to try anything new.

It's been bad again for about 4 weeks, I am woken up by anxiety at 5am and it goes on all day, I need my husband with me to leave the house but when I'm in a chronic episode I still panic.

Today I woke up panicky, it eased a bit but suddenly I felt paralysed, I couldn't move despite the fact that the anxiety was reducing and it really scared me, I couldn't get dressed or anything, it was like my mind wouldn't let me move at all, I had to virtually crawl to the bathroom.

All of those things meant I did not leave the house today, I always go out even if I'm really panicky but today it was as if my body had turned to lead, it just would not do anything.

I called the doctor who said it was just a physical manifestation of my anxiety levels and a form of mental exhaustion,to rest today and not to worry but I am terrified.

I am so scared that it wasn't just an exhaustion thing, I am scared that it was fear of going out, my husband said it wasn't, he said that I wasn't saying I was afraid to go out, just that I was unable to move to do anything but I am hysterical at the thought that I wont get out tomorrow.

I just went out to the front garden and walked around a bit but it's not the same as actually getting in the car and going further away, my husband is at work now too so I can't try to go out properly because I need him there to try so here I am stuck in y own mind with the worry.

I know I am going to wake up anxious tomorrow because I always do but usually I push past it, dress, get in the car and go, now I am scared in case I can't do that tomorrow and terrified that I have become housebound.

I don't really know what advice I am looking for here but I am so afraid and have no one to talk to.

[Agora1]

BellaLuna, you have someone to talk to now as well as the others on the forum. I was in the exact same position that you are experiencing right now. 30 years on Xanax (small dose) no longer was working but I didn't know it. I assumed my anxiety had broken through the dose but found out going through withdrawal while still being on it. Fear of everything came from nowhere, wringing my hands, pacing and afraid to go out.

Afraid to be alone, needing someone w/me if I needed to go to an appointment. Believe me it's your brain wanting a higher dose, it no longer is happy with the dose you are on. Your body has become dependent . It actually needs a higher dose to reach therapeutic levels again. I'm not going to go against your doctor but you need to make a decision with him as to how you can relieve yourself from this intolerable anxiety you are going through.

I can only tell you from my experience, weaning off the drug will provide you ironically, the relief you are looking for. In it's own cruel way, the medication become your own worst enemy and starts working against you. I wanted off the benzo med. I researched and talk with my psychiatrist, he said it was my choice and he would help me through it.

I used the Dr. Heather Ashton's Method of Withdrawal from Benzos. It was a slow and safe reduction of medication. I have now been w/o benzos for nearly 3 years. The transformation is unbelievable. Within months of taking the last pill, I noticed an awakening in my brain, I knew then I was going to be okay, be me again. Clear headed, not drugged, all the symptoms of anxiety started disappearing and when some anxious moments came along, I didn't care. I accepted it for what it was, no fear.

It's been quite a journey to say the least. I shudder to think what if I hadn't given it a try for fear of it getting worse. What if?? That's the one time "what if" did me good.

I wish you well. I wish you peace and calm. Know that you are not alone. The people on this forum are here to extend their support and understanding no matter what you decide. We care. x

[BellaLuna in reply to Agora1]

Hi Agora and thank you, to be honest I did suspect that to be the case a while ago, my GP said it wasn't possible but after reading various articles and the Ashton manual I was pretty convinced, I had a very good few months before this bout, better than I'd been in years so I thought it wasn't benzo related after all but it seems that it can come and go.

It's scary to think about tapering off but I know it's the only way really and that it may at last end my suffering x

[Agora1 in reply to BellaLuna]

BellaLuna, I'll be here for you should you and your doctor decide to wean you off. Just PM me. It is important to have support while coming down off the meds. Good Luck with your decision. I wish you well. x