Unloved & Unwanted -No Fixed Abode In Childhood

My name or at least my grandmother always called me Evie short for Evelyn because she didn't like calling me Judith! She was my only mother figure because my own mother (her daughter) was incapable of loving me. Following an accident in South Africa - my dress caught fire - I lost my father and grandfather the next year -Flown back to the UK having survived against expectations - in hospital without family visits my mother's one visit was terminated when ward sister told her to leave for making me cry! Mean while mother, grandmother and mother's sister fought over grandpa's money. Six years on aged 14 I recall my mother's rant "Why couldn't you have died instead of your father - nobody's going to look at you - why couldn't you have been a boy and more use to me!" Those words hung over me like a death wish - My mother's violence was terrifying and I was just edged out of her life - dumped anywhere and everywhere in boarding establishments or convenient places between the relentless skingraft operations conveniently organised during school holidays giving me no convalescence - I was conditioned to feel grateful for the crumbs under the table - the scars caused me to feel rejected in society - I didn't belong and always felt different with no rights - So when medics prescribed me benzodiazepine cocktails aged 24 trapping me for 22yrs in an abusive marriage -it added to the problem and was a massive hindrance delaying any hope of change But my grandmother's death through similar medical negligence sounded alarn bells and access to drug data pushed me into 'cold turkey' having read "possible brain damage with longterm use" (15yrs) and "amnesia" (helpful for a cheating spouse) No wonder he objected to me coming off! So began therapy and the long road back - Discovering I had the right to be happy & not guilty for being an inconvenience to my mother and anyone else! Now I've learned that I have the right to be here and to occupy a space in the world and society despite my scars. I was as good a mother as I knew how while raising my sons but trapped on the drugs prevented me seeing the true picture and I wasn't respected -I guess they were shocked to see me change from a person apologising for everything to someone who suddenly started saying "NO" & learning a better sense of self. They'd got used to me never saying "no' so i guess that would've been a bit of a shock!!! lol -

[Angep Star]

Hi Evie, it never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be!! In particular when a parent treats a child so badly that they rob them of their childhood and adulthood too!! I think everyone has reasons why they are like they are but in your mothers case she really was so undeserving of you. None of us are born with a blue print telling us how to be good parents but words fail me to be honest. I'm so glad you've managed to come out the other side and gain some strength 💪 No longer a pushover!! And to realise your more than worthy to have a good life. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt but am finding it very difficult to do that because of what she did to you.keep posting and talking Evie,welcome to the forum and People will respond to you as they work there way round the posts. Take care Evie, bye for now.