Just needed to get on paper how I'm feeling right now....
I get super super tired, chronic fatigue, numbness/ discomfort / cotton wool feeling in my fingers/ feet & legs. Pain in my shoulders & when I don't rest enough, I experience the most terrible spasms in my back, (they are so painful, I almost keel over & can't even speak). I have anxiety attacks & can't seem to make sense of what needs to be done, just chasing my tail running in circles trying to get even the most mundane things done. Right now I am tired of being tired, mentally exhausted- yesterday my brain just stopped functioning- I just wanted to cry & scream, as no one really listens/ supportive.
Mums decided she wants to take me on holiday this week for my birthday- I've spent last 3-4 days just searching the Internet trying to get a last minute reasonable deal (school holidays)! My boyfriend has been pestering me every day to give him dates of my availability (so he can take me away or do something) I am tired of telling him, that until my mums booked holiday I don't know. I just cried yesterday & told him, I really can't manage everyday with his pressure & refusal to listen.
So spent the day yesterday trailing around travel agents with mum, nothing really- so mums now saying 'oh we could just get a ferry & go Holland or somewhere/ book accommodation separately, spend hours travelling.... 'Mother that is not a holiday for me, I am mentally & physically exhausted - I simply don't have the energy to arrange everything right now'
All these conversations going round my head along with sheer embarassment of not being able to cope & needing to find somewhere to slump.
I finally snapped & said it- 'the best holiday for me would be just to have a couple of days of complete rest, sleep & even just enjoy the sun in my own garden, without the pressures or worries of the roof, guttering, all the leaks & repairs, searching for tradesman/ handyman ......
Came home & just slept, lying in bed now with no pressures or having to fit in with boyfriends timings & rushing around to keep him sweet.
I'm just having desperately needed 'me time'
I simply don't have the energy or strength to keep pleasing everybody else anymore- I have the invisible disease- MS
On the exterior I look 'normal' , but struggle each & every day to get through the most mundane things. My cognitive abilities are slowly deteriorating, my brain 'hurts' when I have to concentrate for more than 10 minutes.... today I want no one to sap my few strands of energy or drain me physically & emotionally. It's about ME today, I will stay in bed as long as I need to without anyone making me feel guilty & I shall slowly 'potter' & get some mundane jobs done, instead of allowing more to just pile up whilst I pretend to be 'normal' & run around tending to everyone else's requirements. I HATE having MS, stolen EVERYTHING from me