After 10 years of being ill my depression has had its highs and lows over this period ranging from having to have crisis team intervention to just plodding along . It all started when I began with Epilepsy at 46 yrs old, my whole world fell apart the job I worked in a school with special needs children , driving was taken away so independance was severed and I had 2 children 10 and 8 yrs respecfully . I have undergone psychiatric intervention and for a while I have floated on being just ok being able to just cope having the odd breakdown . My condition has become worse since other heath issues have reared which have been caused partially due to the medication I take not working with medication for the Epilepsy and causing skelotial problems resulting in spinal fractures etc of which I have had 4 in total to this date. I am now once again struggling with life , my self harm and suicidle thoughts have returned and I just cannot cope with anything the pain , mobility at times and then the stress which brings on the seizures have all become too much to deal with.
I was refferred for CBT on a one to one basis, this in itself put more obsticles in my way questions and above all having to talk once again about me ! Iam still in the programe but I am at a stage where I feel that I dont want to carry on I feel angry at myself about this and that it has come to the stage that I cannot find the route to take other than removing myself out of life itself! Its very hard dont let anyone say its easy as its not ! I am told that its OK to feel like this at the stage I am at ....writing compasionate letters to myself as I am asked to do is hard as I have no compassion for myself , Ifeel like I am still alone in this battle but I also have to be grateful that I have a Mental Health Team that are concerned enough to offer this as a possible solution I am not sure how I will go on Iam not sure even if I will finish the course Its hard and I am trying but is it Ok to feel like this half way through CBT ?