Winter wrote a post about whether to feel we need to push on and do things when we don't want to. I sent a reply, but find that I cannot read all replies to a post lately.
because I didn't want winter to think I hadn't replied, and because I've felt the same, I decided to put it in this new post, but in doing that, I've added to it:-
Have you seen the monty python & the holy grail film?
in that there was a knight who, no matter what happened would find a positive and fight on, and on, until he's just had his head cut off and says something like "I might
only be a head, but I can still bite!"
I was that knight! whatever life threw at me, I could still....
until my body almost gave up on me. I'd ignored all the vital signs, clues because "it's not going to stop me"
and "I'll find a way round this" because that's what Sandra's do! - boy was I wrong! I ended up very ill physically.
You'd think I'd have learned from that, and I did somewhat, physically.
BUT, I put all my emotional feelings in "boxes" in my mind, so I didn't have to look at my feelings, my grief at the life I'd lived, planned, and couldn't go back to.
"I'M FINE" became my by word, accompanied by the smile I'd momentarily drag from the depths,
then one day, I had a fall. I twisted my ankle and knee: grazed my face, which bled; and broke the top joint on my little finger. I sat on the floor and sobbed only for my little finger!
but when I fell over, so did all my boxes of feelings!
I thought I'd dealt with my feelings, but I'd just hidden hem away from me!
Now they all poured out at once and it was overwhelming.
I was so afraid that if I cried I wouldn't be able to stop and would go so far down that I would never come back. I'd always forced myself to stop.
Then I met Heidi.
Heidi told me that no matter how far down going with your emotions may take you, you will always come back, your mind will protect you.
I trusted her and it is true, but with a twist -
Before, you have a the fear of what will happen.
Once you have been lower than you have ever thought possible and come back from it, you will never, ever, go that low again.
Because now you have the knowledge that you survived it,
that fear of the unknown has been lessened. it's still not a nice experience, but tears and grief can be cleansing.
there is a saying:-
"unexpressed emotions never go away. They just wait around for the right opportunity"
and that is what happened to me. when I cried for my sore finger, they came flowing out.
Now, I do allow myself to honour my feelings and it does help.
I do also look at why I might be feeling as I do,
I was taught that we are born with five basic needs in life, and these, too, are the reasons why a baby will cry;-
hungry/thirsty; uncomfortable; afraid, cold/hot, lonely/sad ( if any are missing, I apologise] . I look for those reasons and often they fit.
these are just my opinions, but if they help just one person, I'll feel it's been worth posting.
thanks for reading )
sandra.
Worst anxiety of my life.
Please help please read my last post and reply to this post
Scared to take my med
Worried so much that I can't focus or sleep
Tired of fear ruling my life and shrinking it.
