Struggling...

[SadieAmelia]

I just drove an hour and the entire time I was driving, I was uncontrollably crying. I had just had a rough day at work, surprise surprise. The 2 people I worked with are so close; they are like siblings so its hard to get a word in and talk to them. I just kind of hung out in the corner because every time I talked to one of them, I could see their facial expressions change into annoyance. Today it weirdly triggered something deeper in me. I was talking with one of my coworkers because I have a better relationship with him so its easier for me to talk to him. But there was a moment where I was trying to make a joke but he thought I was being serious about something and it seemed like his body tensed up and he was getting fed up with me. And then, out of nowhere, I felt the biggest urge to cry. tbh, it was like I had a flashback to this moment in the past when this person was getting very upset with me and telling me all of the ways I was being difficult. I was already unhealthly attached to this person so hearing them say those things to me meant that I was at risk of losing them so from that moment forward I apologized for every little thing and continued to stay invisible and try to work on being as perfect as I can or at least just agree with everything that person had to say and felt so they wouldn't want to get rid of me. Anyway, when that hit me, it was impossible to get myself back on track. I could just feel myself reverting back to my old ways of thinking that I was a big problem and everyone was thinking the same thing and I needed to apologize for all of my actions and make myself small and likable. When I left work and was by myself, I just couldn't stop crying or feeling the pain from the past. It's making me feel quite hopeless. I feel like all of this is just reinforcing my negative belief that I am so deeply flawed there will never be a group I find I can fit into. And there is no one on the outside that wants to put up with me or give me the light of day and honestly, I can't blame them; it's so depressing and miserable to be around someone like me. all i hear from people and social media is to not associate or be friends with people who struggle with depression and are down all of the time because they just bring you down. I feel like I am that person and don't deserve to have friends anymore or to hold a place on this earth because I want to make space for someone who can shed a brighter light on society than I can.

[Cuteavacado926]

I’m so sorry you’re going through that! I have a similar problem where I worry that someone is mad at me and if they are I literally can’t function. You deserve people in your life and you deserve love and support even if you are low all the time. I hope you can find people who understand you and who care about your well being. My husband recently told me he can’t handle my emotions anymore and that if I start to cry he’ll have to leave the house. Which by the way is the most unhelpful thing he could do because I feel rejected. I’m learning that OUR DEPRESSION IS NOT THE PROBLEM! You are not a problem and everything IS NOT your fault. I recently started taking a medication that has really been helping! Do you see a therapist or psychiatrist? I think that would really help you with past trauma. Please reach out if you need support. I could also use someone to talk to. I hope I’m not over stepping with this reply but I’m worried about you and hope you are okay. ❤️. It’s so hard to feel alone. There are people out there who are compassionate and kind enough to want to help. We just have to find them.

[Dr419]

let your light shine don’t give up

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

Okay few things I took away from your post

1. Sorry apologizing for existing. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE UP SPACE. Quit making yourself small and outta the way. I don't think you realize that you are not fully healed from your trauma. That's why you got triggered. Because you still think you don't deserve connections. Because you are "difficult". You are not difficult. Also anxiety is a lying a*hole. You assume that your coworkers don't like you being around. But that's anxiety. You are tensing up and scaring yourself.

2. Your feelings are valid. It's okay to be upset. Sounds like you needed this cry. It's been building up for so long. That the dam just Burst. No more surpassing your feelings. Maybe try journaling, just write out all your thoughts. In no particular order. Just keep writing them out until you get tired.

3. You sound like me. I'm an anxious attacher. And this comes from years of trauma of being abandoned and not loved as I should have been. So when I get close to someone I instantly become clingy. I take on their problems and their feelings first before my own. So whenever they have a problem I try to fix it because I feel that's my job. And if I don't then they are going to leave me. And that is not healthy way to think. So. I am learning through therapy not to be an anxious attacher. It's difficult when there's trauma behind it. And it's hard when that drama has been reaffirmed by actions of other people. But through therapy. You can on learn this. It takes time and practice but you can do this.

4. Stupid people say things like don't be friends with bipolar, depressed folks etc are just ignorant to mental health. They think bipolar and depressed people are just lazy and can turn it off "if they would try hard enough". But that is a myth. I mean if there was such a thing as a button that we could turn off our anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc. Etc. We would definitely have hit that button a long time ago.

You are worthy of love and compassion. Not just from others but also for yourself.

Sending love and hugs to you 🫂❤️ I'm sorry you had such a rough day.