I have extreme social anxiety and I don’t know how to get over it

[Catandbooklove]

I have severe social anxiety and I’ve had it for years. I’m in uni and my goals always been to make friends and get better at all of it and I feel like I partly did make more friends but no matter how many I get I don’t feel satisfied and I’m scared I’ll never feel like it. I’m always looking to make more, get closer to people and it’s exhausting because I try so hard. They could treat me like shit bug I’ll still go back that’s how bad I want human connection.

One thing I haven’t been able to achieve though to is to make friends with boys . No matter what I do I can’t talk to them. I clamp up and I never know what to say. Always scared I’m going to say something boring and in return I think I portray myself as boring ( cause I don’t talk to them and I’m always quiet) I just don’t know how to get over feeling the need to make friends and how to talk to guys. I am just so exhausted with feeling anxious when people are in my space and feeling like I need to talk to them or feeling like I am boring if I don’t

[Celtic18]

Sorry to hear your so down but are you really so critical of your self that you can't see your good points only the supposed bad ones! Regards socialising with males is it the fear of rejection that stops you being able to be happy !try and socialise even if it's a night out that hopefully may help I wish you good luck all the best !👍

[tiggra in reply to Celtic18]

Try to say hi and introduce yourself. Ask them did anything exciting happen that day. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Catandbooklove in reply to Celtic18]

maybe it is rejection I don’t know I just sit there and think ‘was that interesting to say? Should I have said that? I definitely shouldn’t have said that, why can’t I just speak? Quick say something’ I don’t know if all these things means fear of rejection but that’s what goes on in my head regarding making male friends

[designguy]

I had social anxiety for years and what helped me was learning that it was due to my distorted and erroneous thinking about how others perceived me and how I perceived them. I was also suffering from low-self-worth and an inability to stand up for myself and validate myself. I also learned to never believe my anxious thoughts because they are lies whose purpose was to protect myself but now as an adult I don't need that kind of protection. I was astounded one day at work when I realized how much people liked me and valued my company when I thought just the opposite was true.

My suggestion is to find a therapist that specializes in treating SA and work with them, they may use group and exposure therapy as part of the process. If there isn't one near you, you might check out Sebastiaan at social-anxiety-solutions.com, he has some very good info and even an online program available and also good youtube videos. There are also other online SA programs available and good info on youtube about treating/healing SA. The more you educate yourself about it will help your healing.

Another helpful thing is to figure out why and how you developed SA so you understand it more and can get any additional help you need. In my case I grew up in a emotionally and physically repressive/abusive household and was punished and shamed for any kind of normal anger or trying to stand up for myself. I was also bullied in school which all led to my developing SA. I started healing my SA but also realized I was dealing with trauma/c-ptsd and had a lot of repressed anger, rage and shame that I needed to process and heal. I found a therapist that specialized in treating trauma/c-ptsd and worked with them and he used emdr as part of the therapy that was very helpful.

The other thing to do is to work on healing your low-self-worth, assuming you have it because it's quite common with those with SA. There is a lot of good info/resources on youtube about how to do it and heal.

[Catandbooklove in reply to designguy]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, I think I’ll try the YouTube videos because I can’t access a therapist.

I’ve never really thought to ask myself where my social anxiety issues stem from but I thought about it a bit( after I see this post) and I think it stems from having over protective parents. Growing up I wasn’t allowed to go out( to see my friends) or just anything in general and it was drilled in my head that boys are bad thst I shouldn’t talk to them and I guess it stuck. I now clump up when a man talks to me cause I’m too scared to talk to them and I feel so anxious/ awkward in social settings that I prefer to not go but I have serious fomo so I feel worse if I don’t go out so I end up going out but feeling so terrible the whole time . I’ve also had struggles with self esteem. Men I’ve tried to be friends with in my first year of university made me feel like I was so boring and that I didn’t deserve friends. We would sit together in class( him asking me to keep him space) but would proceed to say to me multiple times ‘ we aren’t friends why the f do you think we are friends?’ People have been so mean to me that I guess I start believing I’m not worth something

[designguy in reply to Catandbooklove]

You're welcome, hope you find it helpful. SA makes us take things personally but the reality with your male friend is he is projecting his own issues on you and it really is not about you. You might checkout the youtube of Dr. Berni Sewell about building and healing yourself worth and learn how to be your own best friend. She had social anxiety and healed herself and now helps others. I did one of her online courses which was realy helpful. There is also a lot of other good info about healing self worth on youtube.