All I’ve asked of myself is to feel good at times. I don’t want to feel perfect, I just don’t want to feel bad all the time. It’s a deep pit at times just to do something as simple as taking a shower or looking through the blinds to see outside. At least it can be for me.
A while ago, after a horrific scene, I found that there was a village inside my head, a village of negative thoughts and intrusive fears that I’d never experienced before. I have spent years trying to ignore that negative noise, and I’ve spent years trying to run away from them in one way or another. I could say it’s a human thing to do, but the truth is, it’s a me thing to do. I know people who are living through their issues and tackling them with energy and with focus, while I’ve spent myself out, just trying to forget that there is something wrong with me.
It’s almost like a village of noise-making people or many machines that won’t shut the hell up in my mind.
I have experienced an internal “population explosion” of emotionally traumatic negativity and in my thinking, I’m not making any headway against it. I’m tired of being tired, of just simply being at times. (I hope that made some sense!).
That damned noise? It tells me nothing specifically but it wears on my mind because I struggle to hear through the noise.
No, this isn’t about suicide, but it is about being plain old tired of the fight.
Times just get taken up with trying to do more or less, well, nothing, and I don’t like to waste it this way.
Damages add up if they aren’t treated for repair. And many of my most traumatic damages, have been allowed to fester. I was afraid for a long time to tell someone else what I was going through, and even now that I am in treatment (of a sort) I find myself wanting to turn the volume down on that freaking noise!
I’m in this, for my life, and it seems for life.
Peace, healing, and comfort, to all.
Me.
Written by
Senior4merEverything
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Loving yourself and being content with efforts or no efforts made is ok, safe and comfortable place to be in. As long as you do not punish yourself in mind. Sometimes we just need peace and do nothing. All ok, to refresh and recover I do nothing sometimes. I was long time in this state after neglect, abuse and cruelty. Now after time I found I love myself no matter what
Have you used YouTube for learning about anxiety and PTSD? This is the #1 tool I've used on my own time to listen to scientists and psychologists and trained professionals in the quest to understand how my own traumas have pushed me onto the fringes of society, unable to function, trapped in the cycles of my own psychological creation.... like it sounds like you've found yourself, painted into the corners of your mind prison.
ACT THERAPY founded by Steven Hayes, a CBT model of talk therapy, has helped me the most "on the couch" (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)
This audiobook is called"Get out of your mind and into your life" by Steven Hayes. The introduction and explanation of the fight going on in your head 🗣️ is the result 🤯 of your efforts to escape your anxiety instead of embrace it. Your description of running from it, avoiding it, or pretending it doesn't exist doesn't tame the beast. It makes it impossible to master and like the monster under the bed, it becomes all intrusive and crippling over time.
Try this podcast/audiobook for the first 10-15 mins. If you don't find the information at least slightly intriguing, at least there will be a plethora of other options to scroll through on YouTube that may be of interest to you for anxiety and/or depression.
For anxiety I love these speakers
Gabor Maté
The anxiety Guy Dennis simsek
Mark Epstein
Jack kornfield
Sharon Salzburg
Tara Brach
Best of luck on your journey 🙏 hope this finds you well ❤️🩹
P.S. Even tho the link says it doesn't play, hit the watch on YouTube line and you will be taken directly to the site 😉
Senior2merEverything by now you know you arent the only one. have you tried to pick one voice?I ask because one day in a pharmacy line a gent told me he was schizophrenic (not even saying you too!)..and he shared how he got no rest from it all. All was quiet until i said...well sir, at least you arent alone. He turned shocked and laughed and said...i am my best friend but they dont shut up..i might as well get along with them.
Peace, we all stive for. Hard to get alot of times. i use music and you tube, sometimes...i throw a blanket over my head in the closet! High bloodpressure(and its medicine) cause me trouble that i had ignored....have you had a good doc to check all that stuff? is there a saying you can repeat over and over to override the thoughts...seriously orange oil smell helps me center...love my pups too..they listen very well.
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Where’s the light? I don’t see it 
Trying to explain feelings...
Don’t want to be here anymore
Advice appreciated :)
