Wanting to feel I have control of my life

[nchauf]

I want to have control over my thoughts. Having schizophrenia sucks and it feels like someone else is controlling my thoughts at times. I have hyper fixation, and I get zoned in on some activities. Sometimes those activities are harmful to my psyche, and some are good. Sometimes I do too much of the good thing and get burnt out instead of pacing myself. I have a certification exam coming up and I want to study yet I feel so burnt out. I am devoting my energy to some things that are unhealthy, and it is exhausting me. I lose track of reality and get zoned on whatever is giving me joy at the time. I have been controlled most of my childhood and lived a sheltered life. My mother was a narcissist and never had any faith in me at all to accomplish anything. My father just wanted me to work in construction and I hate construction. Why couldn't they motivate and encourage me to go to school? I like school and learning. I could have gone to college, but I was instilled as a child that I would never accomplish anything. Now I am in the hospital and the state is paying for my schooling. I have to rely on the government instead of my very rich family to be able to go to school. I hate the way I was raised and can't understand my family at all. On a positive note, my dad does help me while I am in here in the hospital which I am thankful for. I just want to have control of my life in the way that I want it without having to resort to addiction which is something I feel like I have control over. However, addiction is not something I can control, it actually controls me. I go to 12 step meetings to recover from addiction and get my life back together. I want to live my life the way I want to and not have these voices or addiction, or childhood trauma try to take over my life. I want to let go of my childhood issues. I am an adult now and I want to overcome my childhood trauma. I just want the life I have always wanted, and I want to put in the work to get there. My therapist and I am going to go over my childhood in the next session we will have. Hopefully we can work through this. Thanks for reading.

[Hidden]

It's going to be step by step process but really focus on one issue at time and then next. So concentrate on getting rid of addiction and then move onto mental health. This way less stressful and you accomplish it in your own time. But if you feel like you can cope with addiction and mental health because you getting support then good stance to take. Love yourself more than your problems and self care will help you focus on yourself in good benefiting ways to make you feel like you accomplished and will therefore do more for yourself

Recognizing your problem key and then clear goals will help you.

[SameTimeTomorrow7]

Work with your therapist on the issues you're facing. It will take time, but you'll get to where you want to be if you apply yourself to the process. All the best.