Checking Back In

[beehappy2day]

I want to be the type of person who can follow through on their commitments.

For most of my life, I have followed the toxic pattern of heavily investing in something new initially only to abandon the idea at the first sign of disinterest or failure. I've never really had to struggle; instead, my struggles seemed to be these external things that found me. So, I only did things that were easy for me in order to balance the scales of my life. But that has left me with minimal life skills and very low confidence in my own ability to succeed.

So now, I'm at a crossroad in my life. I can stay in my comfort zone, which has also been an uncomfortable zone, or I can try living in the unknown zone by trying something new. So now, I have to really try, maybe for the first time. It's terrifying but also thrilling.

My struggles are no longer external. I understand that most of the suffering that I experience in the present is because mentally I am stuck in the past or dreading the future. And I am so tired of living this way. But I cannot escape my own mind, so my only real option is to change it.

Which means I have to try, and it's so very hard to change your neural pathways. It's like I have mapped out my path to recovery and am driving along the road when suddenly I lose control of the car (my mind) and am thrown off road, skidding along the pavement and rolling into the ditch on the side of the road. It's hard to come back from the crash.

But here I am. Alive and willing to really try this time.

Maybe if I make this promise to myself, I may also learn to value myself enough to keep it.

[Shnookie]

so good to hear from. HU is a supportive place.

[beehappy2day in reply to Shnookie]

Thank you! It's always nice to have another space to connect ☺️

[Shnookie in reply to beehappy2day]

Yes you are correct. It’s so positive to have a welcoming place to come to.

[LoveforAll41]

howdy beehappy2day, I hope things are going swell. Change is hard, but if you put in the work it is certainly possible. I don't know if you feel bad enough mentally that you are going to therapy, but I think that there are a lot of therapists or life coaches out there to help optimize life too. There is the book atomic habits by James Clear I believe, that people love. My biggest thing lately has been to have compassion for myself and give myself what I really need. It has helped with not getting derailed when I "screw up" or feel like I don't come through on a comittment. Let us know how it goes. ☮️

[beehappy2day in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you loveforall41! I do have a therapist that I see weekly. It’s just a work in progress. She is great and really helps set me up to try to optimize my life and really care for myself! Only seeing her once a week leaves a lot of other days without a therapeutic consult though, and I was recently discharged from an intensive outpatient program where I was receiving 10 hours of therapy each week, so it’s a big change that I am still adjusting to.

And I love Atomic Habits! My partner introduced me to it when we first met and we reference it all the time in our daily life! I even have the app downloaded (but have yet to use it lol)! Happy to meet a fellow fan

And thank you for the reminder to practice self-compassion! I love how healing self-compassion can be but often give in and listen to my inner critic instead. I’m glad it helps bring you peace too <3

[MaggieSylvie]

Just do it. And don't over-commit yourself.

[beehappy2day in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Thank you for the reminder! I usually end up going too hard and trying to commit to too many things at once to compensate for my inactivity and shame. But then I burn out quickly and end up in the same place. It’s sooooo toxic and unsustainable!