Rock bottom.

[ScarletPanda]

I have been struggling with depression for years at this point. I nearly destroyed my marriage, I've lost joy in being a step parent. I've struggled with suicidal ideation. I want to heal. Is there anyone here who has similar struggles with parenting and depression?

[gajh]

I just wanted to say Hello and Welcome you here. I am not a parent or step parent. I can relate to depression.

[stiff19]

I know I have mental problems i suspect 30 years ago when told I had acute depression by gp that I suffer depression yes .I think I also know why but you only see it in moments of clarity, ive never denied I do suffer it to myself ,im wary of others as many use it as an excuse for holding against you, even gps themselves use it as an answer for all but 🤷‍♀️I could never hold a relationship or friendship as id like to, ive never had a best friend as such though have had good relationships too just not so ever long lasting. I became aware I needed to help myself as no one else can really help with ones own thoughts. life builds problems and I first realised when I was a single parent of one child I had to hold my own head above water, this was made harder when I had back problems and an operation and so my life became a spiral, mental, financial and health problems. I fought hard I had relapsing moments of depression but through the struggles in the main though I longed for change in all three problems they remained,,I had friends around to at least help with the depression and day to day I kept going and freed myself of debt and worked hard at being a providing mum amidst the chaos of a depression. I was always certain I was doing something right as my son was a delight to myself and others though I always yearned for a family for him ,as I felt guilt that it was my depression that led to him being a single parent child, he was adjusted child , of course lost out on material things but academically and socially a great human. I then got into a relationship, I wont go into detail but I felt hopeful that this was about to change life for the both of us for the better, that somehow the struggles would go and we could have a family. If im truly honest in hindsight ,I was going against my better judgement at times for the sake of normalisation whatever that means, a normal family something id always yearned for. We got married and I had another child. Things were good it seemed amidst the background noise, the loud background noise. I think there were many good times but all id done was divert.My diversion was no longer me doing best for me but for the 'family', to keep him happy, to keep the family together, after all its what I wanted. My depression got greater in bursts. Life was a rollercoaster and has been a blur. today I realise I made a huge mistake on many levels. my son is a lovely man, but I lost our bond, we were close before marriage and indeed through marriage but I never put him or me first, I put the dynamic first, my daughter by now also, I was so preoccupied with keeping the man in my life happy to hold the family together ,I tried to make everyone happy and at a cost to me and my children mental health and family dynamic.when son moved out of home to live with partner I felt as I guess most mothers do a great loss but wanted him to find his independence and see it as him having an escape, I knew he found it hard by now living in this household that was fragile, functioning, but not as it should, it was heartbreaking but a blessing also to see him go and escape. The dynamics now changed and more problems from daughter, cut it short she opened my eyes to the isolation and mental damage from dynamic she'd endured. it was tough but we fought, two confused struggling people and then she spoke and my eyes opened. I see her struggles and I see mine. by now my health and her health battered, a distant son dealing with his own damage from all this just hurt and confusion all round. Lost health, lost finances, lost mental health all now returned in abundance and seriously so ,my son couldn't turn to me ,he did but I was not in soundest of minds ,and lost him I feel, not altogether but the closeness gone, I love that child and wish I could tell him what I know now but wouldn't know where to begin and no apology could make up for my unavailability and explain I wasn't me .my daughter spoke to me, it made a difference to helping her, she opened my eyes and has also been my support and I hers but we are not there yet, we support each other but through the dynamic and situation but its not enough now, the situation has to change for us to heal im certain now, if not it will totally kill the diminishing health which has just added to all and there's just no help no matter how you're told to reach for it and no one to turn to as no one around.the husband is damaged but oblivious to ours is all I can say, in all this we've suffered and can see the suffering, he hasn't seen it he says, he as a stepfather somehow has this relationship with my son I dont have, my daughter and I have now a bond he dont have, my daughter and I can see it and feel it and are trying to end it its tough. for the first time in 18 years ive seen some clarity, to fix all our mental health and to help our physical health we have to end the situation. its hard everyone is being damaged mentally and I am dpressed anxious and so mentally drowning and overwhelmed so cannot begin to feel my daughters confusion but know I have to get her away from the situation to heal first and foremost and all other parties can then heal or not. depression is tough, it is a stigma at times and it is profoundly damaging , but I feel there are more damaging mental health problems which in no way deflect from the seriousness and acuteness of depression, which if its any consolation I think can be helped, but its finding the cause much of the time. help and support, maybe even medication maybe can help but ultimately to be aware of it is a beginning and to then get support would be great and then the rest of the hard work is from within, to want mental peace and realise mental peace and how to keep it, for you and for others, I want to heal but sometimes it takes and understanding army , and when that army is deployed elsewhere its a tough road. strength in loving yourself and others is a beginning, the rest will be a battle but start with knowing your own worth. You want to heal and that is a beginning of knowing your own worth 🙏, and be selfless at the same time its for you and for others to heal and when you want to heal that is very good sign I think. ive lost maybe 18 years to mental entrapment at a cost to the best things in my life my children and my seeing it now is my strength ,but depression . I was lost amidst the turmoil and tragedy of it all and still fall into that but you're wanting to heal is a good sign I think so start there, and within . sorry thats all I have as there's no easy fix but we are maybe stronger than we think. I have depression I know I have a mental health problem, im not in denial , I was and it led me a dark road thank god I am now depressed again I dont know where ive been but I hope I can eventually somehow heal from this or improve with time and help, but it will take a change of situation which will bring its own additions to mental health but be strong and fight its all we have.

[DontJudge in reply to stiff19]

I'm so sorry to hear you'd gone through all these but I'm also happy to see that you're improving now and that's good, I hope you heal better than you're now🙏🙏

[ScarletPanda in reply to stiff19]

Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. I have struggled in creating and fostering a sense of self within myself ever since I was a child. I sacrificed all of me to make sure I provided a good environment for my spouse and SD. I never do anything for myself and it's debilitating. Falling into depression has been the worst experience of my life.

[stiff19 in reply to ScarletPanda]

so sorry for your struggles too its a tough place to be 🤝

[SongofAmergin]

I've been the stepfather now to three girls from three separate relationships. I sure can relate to the stress being a step-parent can cause. And dividing your time between two people can be extremely stressful. But we have to take first things first. If you've been struggling with depression for years now, and with suicidal ideation, you need to be on medication, imo. I would immediately go to your family doctor, if you can't afford a psychiatrist and tell him you are depressed and struggling with suicidal ideation. The most important person in all this is you! You need to take care of yourself. I'm sure you've heard it before, but you're just going to wear yourself down to nothing if you keep on trying to be a step-parent and not actively taking care of yourself first. It's time you got some attention and love. If you have suicidal ideation now, call an ambulance or go to the E.R. of your local hospital.