The last letter I sent my mother, I can’t take anymore

[ZeldawithoutFitz]

Before I attempted ketamine infusions due to SI for the third time (the first round was somewhat successful and I was desperate for help) I sent this letter to my mother as a last attempt at saving what little was left of what our relationship. I am now dealing with new serious freaky physical problems ON TOP of a boat load of mental health baggage I already come with. Before my 30th birthday she surprised visits, I have a psychotic breakdown, went non verbal, had my dog pass away while she NO JOKE was drinking in my closet! The deal is supposed to be no alcohol while she’s around me. But life’s getting the hardest it’s been so far and I was stupid to just want my mom. This letter was sent last year. She left without saying goodbye after my episode and doctor having suggested a family sit down to discuss how my major depressive disorder with psychotic features was getting unmanageable for my GP to now treat without more support. I had withdrew from traditional therapy completely in 2019. *WITH A SOLID PLAN FROM PSYCHIATRIST*

she left, she never came back, never called, or texted FOR OVER A YEAR and I feel like I fool for throwing myself at her constantly, always expecting something different.

I have never been in more mental and physical pain so I signed up for MAID. The next day a letter came from my mother.

I was doing better before I got her letter.

Letter to mom

What a mother does for you out of obligation versus what her mother does for you because she wants to. Like the taste of a cup of hot chocolate made from obligation versus the taste of a cup of hot chocolate made. Did you raise me because you wanted to or did you raise me because you had to because I was in your home and you thought “I have to”. Did you look at me with love or did you look at what was me? Did you ever look at me ? Did you ever see me? Did you want to? Do you want to still? If I asked you to love me would you laugh? would you ask me why? Would you tell me not to ask such stupid questions? would you go to bed and wonder to yourself why does she think I don’t love her? Since you’ve done everything for her? Saying I bathed her, and clothed her, I fed her, I kept a roof over her head. Isn’t that love? Do you even know? Do you even know what love looks like? Your mother loves you. Did she make you hot chocolate? Can you tell me what it tasted like? 

Mom, things are getting bad again. I can feel every insult like a sharp tooth. I feel my dreams rotting under my fingernails and I feel too much all the time or else I feel nothing at all. It didn’t seem to matter even when I used to want to go out dance and party or if I stayed at home crawled up staring at the wall lost in a trance.. mom, are you sure when I was born I was a person and not just a vortex? Always hungry, always swallowing, because no matter how much goes in me I always end up empty. Part of what makes complex trauma complex is that there’s no one trauma to point to and say that’s it that’s what I need to process. How do you process literally thousands of interactions over years with the most important people in your life growing up? I’m lost. 

mother I have pasts inside me I did not bury properly some nights your daughter, tears herself apart that heals in the morning somehow.

your broken daughter

[Dolphin14]

ZeldawithoutFitz

Welcome to the community. I'm very sorry you are struggling so much.

Did your letter help you in any way? Sometimes releasing the pain can feel so good. This is only a temporary solution to a bigger problem. It sounds like you need more intensive therapy to process all this pain from childhood.

You can process on this if you have the right therapist. Inner child work, trauma therapy etc. The scenarios of your lifetime with your mom are different as you get older but it all boils down to one part of your mom that couldn't provide what you needed. This is the piece you have to dissect. When you work through it you will be able to see it wasn't you, it was her.

Wishing you the best as this is quite a bit of work to do

🐬

[Starrlight]

❤️

[gajh]

I am so sorry for your suffering.

[Agora1]

Dearest Zelda, it sounds like mom has built a wall around her to keep out her own fears

and traumas. She'd probably like to run away but knows she can't. How sad when a mother

leaves that little child to fend for themselves, to feel unwanted. It comes with so many of

it's own traumas within that child who carries it into their adulthood.

I read your bio, very strong and wise sentiments. Once you realize you are not the cause

of these feelings but something deep within, you can cut the ties and move forward.

Somewhere along the way, something happened to your mom but you are not responsible

for carrying this issue on your shoulders any longer. Set yourself free from this pain by

living your own life. By giving yourself the love that you were deprived of. Your mother

may be a lost cause at this time of her life but you aren't. Save yourself. Our hands are

out to pull you from this pain. Sending warm hugs. You are loved xx

[Willow2022 in reply to Agora1]

That was so well put Agora. I’m not sure I could add anything else.

We are all here for you if you need us 💜

[ZeldawithoutFitz in reply to Willow2022]

it definitely was well put and thank you as well 💗

[ZeldawithoutFitz in reply to Agora1]

I appreciate your good intentions. I just think there’s a lot of mixed messages or miscommunication you’re very kind thank you for taking the time to write long message to a stranger just out of the kindness of your heart. Thank you.

[Agora1 in reply to ZeldawithoutFitz]

Zelda dear, not being a therapist but a mother, I write from my own emotions.

Having seen a child struggling with Attachment Disorder *my foster child, was

heart breaking. Who doesn't want to feel the love from their mother. You're

right in that there are many mixed messages and miscommunication in each journey.

I would never want to add more pain to your struggle. I want to embrace you and

let you know you are more than welcome anytime you need that extra support.

Know that it's meant as a kind, caring act from one human to another. xx

[ZeldawithoutFitz in reply to Agora1]

you lovely being, you have not added anything but light with your replies.

How is your child that was suffering with attachment disorder doing now? I once planned on fostering after my childhood, it seems like a very good fit for you and I hope it has been

Hoping much love and light finds you both

[Agora1 in reply to ZeldawithoutFitz]

Thank you Zelda for your loving good wishes to us both.

So many children out there who just need that love and reassurance

that they are worthy of love. Thank you for caring. xx

[Hidden]

It sounds like you both love each other very much. Sometimes words don't need to be said to feel that. Your letter is a good thing, just another form of caring.

[ZeldawithoutFitz in reply to Hidden]

Without any intent in being rude she does not love me. She informed me a couple years ago that when she gave birth to me, I ruined her life. I have seen even court documents stating that I am the issue. I have the biggest fault in loving her, but she does not love me back and that is a fact, this is not teen angst. I am an adult and I do know when someone says something to you so many times why would you even think for a second that they love you and if someone would think that this is love that’s really terrifying and I am told that this is what an abuse person goes through and you can’t romanticize over the good times because that’s why abused , women will go back to their abusers. That’s why kick dogs will go back as well.

[Hidden in reply to ZeldawithoutFitz]

Have you ever seen regret in her? Is it possible she tries to amend but hurts too much to care for anyone else at the moment? It's ok to step away, never burn bridges. And it sounds like you did the best thing possible.

[ZeldawithoutFitz in reply to Hidden]

No I sadly have not seen her express regret. She has never helped me with medical issues but she was engaged to a man she wasn’t happy with who had cancer and she did everything for him, so it’s a messed up priority list for her. I have stepped away too many times to count, sometimes people do have to burn bridges when it’s toxic to their health and safety

Thanks for trying to find a positive outlook on the situation ✌️ 🤎 🌸

[Hidden in reply to ZeldawithoutFitz]

Stay safe 💚

[ZeldawithoutFitz in reply to Hidden]

Thank you kind soul 🌼

[Nothing_but_books in reply to ZeldawithoutFitz]

You do know what you know. No one can take it from you. Here in our forum, you can get the support from others who live with trauma too.

I know about wishing things were different, and knowing better. That's where you'll find your strength.

[PeaceNeed]

Hello,Your post resonated with me. My mom once told me she thought I loved my dad more than her. I too have cptsd. I'm older now , but the old wounds are still there. I hope in some way you can find some piece of mind . God keep you.

[Bamafan1]

I literally just posted something very similar while ago. It hurts so deep to have the one person who is supposed to love and protect you be the one to cause the hurt. Im told im a mistake. Its like she blames me for everything wrong with her life. Truth is she is a miserable unhappy person and takes it out on me . I physically and emotionally cant take it. Ive tried telling her sooooo many times but she accuses me of being manipulative and i must want something and use mental health as an excuse ! Who SAYS THAT ??!!! And honestly I feel the only option is to choose me which may mean walking away from her.

Ive been told many times by therapists etc its not me its her and she’s unhappy blah blah. Knowing that, for me anyway, doesnt really change alot when youve been beat down.

I hate to sound cliche’ because believe me I know how hard it is… but we both need to choose and believe we deserve happiness and protect our peace. And what/ whomever cant accept that… then thats on them . Its either be kind to me and show same respect i do… or dont be part of my life if im the sole reason shes unhappy !