Not Myself

[Rap_Rock]

I’m having problems Evan writing this, I’ve tried just about everything from counseling, medication, meditation, it has gotten so bad that I had to place myself in the hospital so I wouldn’t do anything. Everyday I don’t feel like myself stuck in this hole, everyday it’s a fight a struggle within to get over these feelings of self doubt, and that’s just the beginning. Anytime I try to explain I always mess things up and people just don’t get it, always telling me it’s in my head and just try harder. Or to grow up, I’m alive, that should be counting for something. I know I’ll get through this eventually that’s what I keep telling myself, but anytime I try it just hits me harder. I guess that’s the point it’s not going to be easy but I did find something that helps it’s people weird I know, but having someone anyone who has a problem like me matters. People just don’t get it, I just don’t know what to do lost and trapped in this endless cycle. I guess the whole reason I’m posting this is I’m still trying. The medication does put a dent in the pain, but I know it won’t stop it. Just the problems in my past is the one affecting me the most. I’m trying to make amends with it, after my Whole life of just not dealing with this problem has made it worse, now that I’m trying I feel like I’m loosing myself along the way. Anytime I tell anyone this they always as why? Why not just not think about it. I’ve tried it’s like my mind is on it’s own, I just wish this would stop honestly. I didn’t Evan realize how long this post is, now in my head I’m asking myself what if I post this and something bad happens or what if people think I’m stupid. That stuff I don’t get it why can’t I just post without feeling like this. Or talking to people I just wish I had someone to talk to and not be alone, that’s another thing I was told. Just stop then take control, do what you want to do. If I was able to you think I would stay in this place I’m in now , no I don’t wish this on anyone. But maybe it is my fault. I’m not really posting to be told how to break with this, anytime anyone tells me it just makes me Evan more depressed. I’m posting to see if I am alone or if anyone is out there, wanting to get better, wanting this to be over. This anxiety, the depression, and the thoughts are getting to much to handle. After that day in 2022, after I was arrested and thrown in jail, when at the time I needed to be in the hospital. After I went on the deep end, the “meltdown” everyone calls it. I’m just stuck in a place, I wish I can escape from, after that day it’s not when everything started but it helped kickstart it how it is today. It’s my fault I guess that’s what everyone tells me anyways. If you read this and start getting the anxious feeling I’m sorry, I get the same way when I read a post.

[Juno-Cleo]

hi Rap-rock.. have you thought about contacting samaritans? You can talk about “ Just the problems in my past is the one affecting me the most. “ if you haven’t already got anyone that you want to talk to about this. We are based in the Uk, but take EMails from all over the world, you will not be judged, we don’t give advice and it’s totally confidential. We are not able to identify who you are or where you are, we just give you a save place to talk things through. The e-mail address is [e-mail]. You can also check out our website at Samaritans.org take care…

[BlueAgave]

Hello Rap_Rock. Just here to say that you're not alone. We all in some way have these feelings like you. Keep pushing through, you'll get there! Peace to you. 🌸