My whole life was controlled by fear and trauma. I have CPTSD. I grew up basically with an ostracized feeling. I had 5 angry dysfunction brothers with lots of alcohol and drug use and all way older than me. My youngest brother was 6 years older than me so we never shared a grade together. My mother was emotionally disconnected from what I heard from my brother she had a sexual assault from a sibling. My father had generational trauma from my grandparents. My grandmother was homeless in the 1920s I think. My grandfather was charged with watching a 2 year next to a river as a 4 year old. My brother told me that. My parents were born in the 50s. Keep in mind I'm 22 right now. My parents are almost like 70 I think. I was born to a 45 year old woman something like that I don't want to do the math lol. All my brothers were raised differently. I had two half siblings I actually never knew. They moved out before I ever was born. Its funny actually people thought my mother was my grandmother. I was the youngest and last child. After my birth my mother got lupus. An autoimmune disease where I think the immune system kills itself. Something like that. Dad was looking for a doctor because no one really knew what the disease was. At least from what I heard. Everyone thought she was going to die. She had to take opiates for pain so she never connected with me. My dad was the one to "raise" me. More like neglect and punishment. One of my worst memories was breaking a vase and getting whipped with a belt. I was like 3 or something. That one is barely there in my memory. But I vaguely remember a breaking a vase and getting hit with a belt HARD. I basically never spoke and never attempted out of fear. I didn't actually speak really until I was 7. I had to go to speech therapy in 2nd grade. I basically grew up never reaching out to people never speaking. I even got a kiss from a 1st grade girlfriend and I felt so absolutely awkward out of miss understanding. We moved that year 1000 miles across the country. I was very sad. I moved 3 times in elementary school. I went to three different schools those years. Keep in mind I still fear getting family members attention because everyone ignored me so all attempts felt like they didn't matter and I was always mad and disappointed about it. I never learned to use my voice. I was finally healing through 5th grade and middle school 8th grade. I started getting attracted to women. I started talking to people because speech class helped. I even had an something like a independent learning plan or something a form of special ed. 8th grade they took me out of it because I didn't need it. I was healing, had plans, had really good friends. But in 8th grade I came home one day and my parents sat me down and told me something I said 2 years ago. "I didn't feel safe in school". But that wasn't me talking about school shootings at the time. It involved my social abilities and how I felt around other people. I think they gas lit me. They told me we're gonna travel around the country I was coming along and to be "homeschooled". I froze and was in a delayed emotional response something like that. I dissociated literally like I just witnessed a family member yelling or fighting. I walked out and went into my bedroom. Sat down and comprehended what happened. I got livid and punched the wall. Even fracturing my knuckle I think. It never looked the same after and is stiffer. Literally ignored the pain and cried myself to sleep. I woke up 4 hours later and told my friends. Whats crazy is I was always anger playing video games after and just generally angry. They kicked my last brother out when he was 18 with a certificate from vocational therapy. He had significantly more support because everyone assumed I was good. But moving into this trailer. Isolated me I was alone with two old people that had literally nothing but trauma for a personality. My dad lashed out at things that frustrated him by telling me his wild beliefs. I actually fell along side with him partially with those beliefs filling me with more rage and anger. My mother talked little and often was dissociated. It's something that actually triggers me when she did it as an adult and with other people. Ignoring me basically. So I isolated to the toy hauler garage. Place you would put ATVs and even a small car. I lived back there with no light because I never opened the window. Gaining weight playing video games to cope. I gained 30 pounds in a month. Summer of 2015 in Washington's desert side. I think from what I know of geography was 🔥 HOT. AC barely kept up we had to get a window unit. I should mention I was in Idaho for 3 months. Where I formed my hatred of bad Internet connection lol. I also failed to get any jobs which would crushed my soul. I never tried again. I should mention I was never really homeschooled, my mother was terrible at it. And the situation and ADHD made it impossible to focus on anything more than instinct. I never spoke. Its why I'm good at video games. Strange fact. I don't ever remember playing video games because I am in literal animal mode. Instinct was my guide. I'm not joking about that. At least from what I understand of the phycology behind it anyway. I was isolated and surviving to myself with no need for people. In Texas in the year of 2015-2016. I was spent back to school 1/4 the way through the year that year so getting proper credits was pointless. My mom said it was for my "education". I was going to fail no matter what. It for being social not learning. And getting away from my parents. I met some friends and a nice girl from there. She inspired a lot of my inner hippie lol. Where I got the idea of bandanas not from pirates from what most people think. I wish I could tell her thank you 😭. After about a month my dad got fired from the RV park job because someone returned after 10 years of retirement lol. We traveled to New Mexico to an uncle's. I made a promise to myself to never make a friend and join the military in 4 years. That would have killed me. I thought I was going to be in this thing for 4 years. Everyone told me such copious answers like "it's not going to be that bad" I avoided people at all cost basically mute. I'm serious I couldn't speak to people. I lost a large ability to speak to normal people. My friends it was easier although all it was complaining, anger, hate, rage. I even had a fight with my dad where I slammed his hand in the door it was a light door. But still hurt like hell. I was having a emotional flashback that was so traumatic it became a vivid flashback. I think from what I understand of definitions and the diagnosis. I had a flashback that I don't want to describe, but with what happened I couldn't think with following the motions of the trauma. I lashed out, panicked, retreated, hid in a clothes basket, cried, than went into dissociation I don't know how to describe it. A mindless body, no thought just staring at the ceiling. I wonder if that whole event could have been related to the vase thinking about it now. Its wild I never told anyone. Except recently with no ability to describe it. I attempted suicide that year. Didn't point a gun or anything. Thought about doing it, but my dad taught me to not point a weapon at anything living or what you don't want to shoot. I was isolated, unable to speak, and broken. I was pulled into a councilor office. She asked me why I was failing. I could speak. All I said was "I'm not going to pass". Something like that. I don't remember a lot from that year, but basically being the animal. It was like I was a lone dog with no where to go. That girl in Texas even told me I was like a lost puppy following them around not saying much, but listening. I have a feeling we moved back home after they got a call from the school possibly. Out of fear of the law. They told me they felt bad for me after hearing me basically screaming like a dying animal "I can't live like this anymore" something like that. I stopped eating. I lost like 60 pounds in 3 months possibly. Maybe it was 30. I did use a scale. I was always aware of my weight. Not in a healthy insight, but out of sad curiosity I suppose. After moved back I reconnected with my friends. But we didn't hang out often and throughout highschool I did most of the same thing except I did talk a bit more and reached out more. I met my wife in art class of 9th grade. We were both held behind and had our own childhood trauma despite not knowing it. She always noticed how I was so quiet. She actually stuck in class and we spent time in class and became best friends hanging out after school on the rocks. Walked home and we hung out 2-3 hours after school. We even spent time together in art class. Working on art. But she friend zoned me because she was already in a relationship lol. Quite terrible. Whatever. We were good friends for about 2 years. We officially started getting closer in in junior year. My depression was a lot better, I did have a flashback when we got into a fight one day after I yelled at her over an argument. I don't remember what I said or what we talked about. Its like that with all of them for the most part besides vision. All I remember is panicking running to my room and hiding under a blanket in a clothes basket in the closet. My then girlfriend walked up to me and started comforting me😭. All I remember is her face and that she was telling something like I'm safe and giving me a hug. Damn I'm crying thinking about it. I did ok im school. Although in 2019 my brother committed suicide by shooting up the apartment building we shared. We lived in separate apartments. Me and my girlfriend were out getting food so I got stuck at her house for the night I slept on the couch and in the middle of the night my mom told me the shooter was my brother. I feel bad for my youngest brother of the family besides me. That happened to him twice when my more troubled who was bipolar brother ended his own life. In his own house. I feel so bad for him. He was out at working both days and he had to come home to that. I almost killed myself that year of my first brothers death. I've never tried it again. I'm glad for that. In 2020 months after my brother's death in the beginning of a pandemic my parents kicked me out while still in highschool for premarital sex. I hate them for that. I don't think I can ever get over that. I don't think about them a lot because of it. I'm getting over by just wiping them from memory. I don't care about them anymore. Me and my wife got stuck. Her parents we're overbearing and harsh. She had first child syndrome of her family. She acted as a caretaker a large portion of time. Lol thinking about it now she treats me like a child 😄. I'm getting better control on myself though. Getting out seeing nature. Getting healthier. Its real hard. I've had some days where I was slipping the edge. Survival mode. The lonely job I work definitely doesn't help, but I'm working in that. I llan to go back to school.
I formed so much internalized anger and rage I can't describe it. I was controlled by fear and anger. I've hurt myself so many times. I have severe abandonment issue. When people don't respond to me I actually get stressed like why are you ignoring me. I hate the Internet. Lol it's a terrible thing we have invented with its own unique form of isolation. Separated, but not. COVID truly helped that because I feel people realized how necessary human connection was lol. The pandemic was an awful beast. It destroyed my late highschool years and drove me into self isolation and depression. Reliving what I experienced when I was 14-15. I can't believe someone can recognize what they did but, deny it. I've talked to them about it. They barely say anything about it. They avoid it, and deny it. And used their faith against me. I don't talk to them anymore. Isolation is a nasty nightmare. I think I still have nightmares about it. Strangely I think I possibly blank them out with no reasonable way to describe it. Sometimes I just wake up in anxiety and fear. Like oh here I go again.
I wanted to put this out for people willing read because its such a unique experience that is normal for a traumatic experience. I never knew I had it. I thought it was normal. I thought I was normal to a point. I wasn't really self aware until I was like in 4 grade. Where I start changing behavior significantly or at least where I noticed a change. As hard has it been to reflect. Its insane. I told my counselor that I feel like I don't fear things the same anymore. Like the instinctual fear of the dark in a massive gym after all the lights are off and pitch black. I tell myself that I fear much worse things. The gym is empty, just me it's irrational and then I calm down.
I wanted to post this because I can't think much more about things without rehashing it over and over. Not much more I can significantly remember. Although its neat when I do remember good memories. Doing certain fun things like throwing myself off a swing. More than once. I'm raising a daughter now. She's teaching more about myself in ways I can't even describe. I'm forming my own personality and shes getting my newer less formed good habits. Like breathing exercises. She's freaking 2 years old. She speaks all the time with complete trust. She's such a sweet person at that age. We do put her in time out if she does things she isn't supposed to. Like throwing rocks indoors lol. I think she learned that from me when I throw rocks on hiking trips. I been trying to show her to do it safely without harming anything or anyone. Like out hiking.
I'm feeling a lot happier. I went out and played some D&D with some friends today. I'm getting my voice back one day at a time. I just need to slowly bring myself back around people. I'm thinking possibly school and night schedule at work. I'll incorporate offline and online days to get time with my daughter.
Have a nice day. Love to everyone who have read this because we all have an inner child. Theres a quote from the movie Dune maybe even the book I want to read it "Fear is the mind killer" I felt like I lost my soul because of fear. There is so much truth in those words.
Peace and love💗
(It's 2am I should go to bed lol)
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
