I don't know how to get out of this feeling emotional disassociation

[MetalEnjoyer]

I can't speak to people in person normally. It's so hard. I feel like everyone around me is distrustful or like their lives or so much different that I cant talk to anyone without wanting to avoid them. Recently I been learning about PTSD and CPTSD of which, CPTSD best describes the experience its so isolating and I hate it. I'm trying to get ahold of a therapist about it, but they're taking their sweet time with the wait-list. It just hurts when I go talk or hangout with friends, but their all successful, in collage, with their undisrupted futures. It's so isolating to work, and work paycheck to paycheck. With no perspective of any social interaction with them or anyone else because they're all too busy to even do anything. It's almost like im in a state of hopeless high functioning will power. I have the drive to keep going, but its like dragging my shins through razor blades. I don't know what to do. I've been considering to call the crisis services offered by the mental health service im trying to get ahold of.

[tommy2toes]

Not sure, but you and me might be in the same boat regarding our backgrounds. Having said that, you nevertheless probably want to amp down the tendency to compare yourself to others. I say that because, your baseline is what you feel inside, however, what you are comparing yourself to is probably how you see others externally (the sort of image that they hope to convey to the outside world). To put it in another way, if you were to scratch the surface, you would probably discover that many of the folks around you are dealing with their own issues, it is just that they are a little more adroit at hiding them.

Another thing you mentioned is relying on your willpower. Again, that is something that I have done for decades. However, recently I have discovered that things like willpower are a finite resource, and at some point, when the tank runs out, you really hit a brick wall. In that you are still a relatively young chap, I would say to you that you still have every chance of changing your future trajectory. However, in this life, you cannot really wait in the expectation that your fairy godmother will drop from the clouds and help you. Instead, you have to look into your heart of hearts, and become the hero of your own story. In practical terms, that might mean going on the front foot and seeking some professional help. Please do not bottle everything up inside like this old man did. From experience, I can tell you it does not work.

Regards

t2t (tommy2toes)