I'm new here and I don't know how to start. So I'll start with is that I had a lot happen to me. My parents were super neglectful. I had a pretty ok childhood, but it was by all means definitely not normal. I grew up pretty much raised by my brothers of which, I had 8 total siblings. When I graduated 8th grade. My parents decided to move into an RV trailer to travel the country and home school me. One day I came home and they sat me down and told me about their plan. I got up and went to my room and sat down and after about 5 minutes I realized what they fully told me. I had plans to finish highschool, become a pilot in the navy, go to collage etc. I even met my best friends that year people I still talk too. By deciding to travel they took that.
Whats even worse is my last brother living with us was kicked out into his own place. So after spending the majority of my life being around my brothers some of the only people I ever had as friends were all now living on their own. So I was alone. It was just me, my parents, and a quiet room in the back of the toy hauler my parents bought. (Toy hauler RVs essentially have a back garage for people beds and ATVs). My major hobby my whole life was video games. Especially online videos games that involves playing with friends. Most of the time the Internet was unusable. Which added to the isolation. I mainly played single player games and games i could use a 4g hotspot with. I never knew someone could be so alone. It was so terrible. I was such in a dark place I gained 30 pounds in a month. Never slept, constantly angry, and a lack of personal care.
I was also supposed to be homeschooled, but my mother failed at it with this old text book she accidentally stole from my brother's old school. It didn't help either that I had undiagnosed ADHD in an environment so bad that focus was non existent. So later they sent me back to school missing half the year so no graduation was guaranteed. I did make friends when I did go to school. Although that month an old employee returned to the place we were staying at so they fired my dad earlier than expected and I lost them. This was when I started listening to death metal, deathcore, and some pretty violent music. I basically decided after that to avoid extra pain I stopped trying to make friends when I was back in school.
I was probably at my worst during this time. I started being more miserable and depressed. I stopped eating. My old friends started ghosting me because the only way they could talk to me was through the computer and all I'd talk about is how much i hate my parents and the world. I got even more isolated. The sense of dread and hopelessness is something that still haunts me. One memory that sticks with me is when the counselor called me in to ask why I had all Fs and I couldn't speak. She sent me off and I bashed a paper towel dispenser in the bathroom. After 1 year my parents finally decided to settle in an apartment back home. They never fully told me why. But I'd assume it had to do with the rambling of me and that I was very much a suicide risk. A lot of my memory of the time is blurry, but I remember loudly crying and rambling to myself how I can't live like this anymore. That night was probably the worst. I basically went from a kid who enjoyed video games to a husk. I actually laid in bed from when I got home from school and barely moved for 7 hours entirely awake. I even stopped eating and lost that weight I gained in a span of 2 weeks or so. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if my parents are even capable of feeling empathy.
Whats sad is that moving back was a struggle in its own thing. Trying to readjust and get back on track. But I genuinely felt like as if I was a veteran. I literally had a hard time adjusting to people. I had nothing in common with the people around me nor I trusted anyone. I projected to avoid onto everyone . Besides a few someone that I could actually connect with was a short list. I did ok in school for the first 2 years. I also decided to go into information technology because I gave up on being a pilot since I had to many issues. A
I did pretty ok around this time and I met my wife in highschool. We have a pretty good relationship I like to think at least. She experienced trauma under her parents in her own different way than I did. Her father basically had a drunk rage destroying a door and a switch. On top of this her dad took her downstairs bathroom door because she didn't pick up 2 articles of clothing and he was "embarrassed" like he was 5. I should also mention around this time my brother committed suicide by cop. He had schizophrenia, PTSD, and depression. He had to clean up combat vehicles as a diesel mechanic after combat in the middle east so he had to clean off remains. His PTSD was even service connected by his therapist. He even qualified for full disability under the VA. He killed one person before he was shot by the police. This was all done in the same apartment building we all shared together. I had a moment I pretty much would consider it a suicide attempt where I pretty much drove my car at 120 miles per hour on the freeway that was only 60 mph. Hoping I had it in me. I was in a pretty dark spot for a while after that.
Moving on with the situation with my now wife. From an outside prospective I saw how awful her situation was and she even said spending time with made her realize how not normal it was. I managed to convince my parents to give her the extra room we had in our apartment and they said yes and I trusted them. I actually started being more accepting of them around this time. But being super religious they found out me and her were having premarital sex. Two 18 year old teenagers. They didn't even take the time to talk to me or even try. They went straight to the backstabbing and kicked me out for doing something like "commiting a sin in gods house". So then they put the burden of housing me onto my brother. I had 2 years of school left. The only thing I got luck with was my mom's SSDI applying to me since I was her son and I was 18 so the portion thay came in was actually allocated to my account. So I had money to pay. I just wasn't prepared, developed, or even knew what I was going to do.
I should mention another brother of mine out of the 8 I had was a bipolar drug addict and a manipulative mess. A few days after they kicked me out they replaced the room I slept in with him. In the same house as my future wife. This guy literally treated her like crap. Basically complete disregard for her as a person. He for example would just pee all over the toilet with the seat down. For the only woman in the house that used that bathroom. He also had HIV and would accidentally get blood everywhere and not take care of it.
Eventually she decided she couldn't stay with them and we moved into our own apartment. It was a pretty crappy place too. It existed a block away from a concrete plant so everything was dusty with concrete dust. Vacuuming was no easy task in itself at that place. During this time me and her decided to get married and a few months later after we got engaged she was pregnant with our daughter. Some people could probably say we got married to quickly. But we've known each other since our first year in highschool and was friends with her ever since.
Approaching my birthday I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with depression with anxiety, and ADHD. For 8 years I've been in this constant state of anger, self hate and disregard for myself. I stopped caring what could happen to me. A year or 2 after I got my diagnosis. My brother who was an addict and recovering relapsed. He killed himself with a firearm in my brothers bedroom at his place. The worst part for me was seeing my dad and my 2nd youngest brother cleaning up.
Recently I've had a mental breakdown. Unable to work that day. Bad enough for me to go to the doctor. After that day and snapping at my friends. I realized I need to work on myself because if I can't take care of myself I can't take care of my daughter and provide her with what my parents took from me.
Sorry to all the words and typing, but the issues in my life have almost been non stop one after another for the past 8 years and theres a lot. The sad part too is that so many words can only cover so much. As a younger child I has experience things like a drug addicted brother, or one of my worst was when my successful brother who was 18 almost got kicked out over a bipolar drug addict that burned him with a cigarette. Our whole family like my brothers and even me lashed out on my parents for that one. What saddens me is that it happened to me too, but there was no hesitation in the action. My parents just did it because they support their religion more than their own kids. Even after being setup for so much failure.
I decided that I can't stop holding in all the trauma. I need to tell someone and maybe even talk to someone.
Sorry for any errors in grammar or spelling. This was a lot of typing.
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