Obsessed with time

[97Bunny11]

Now life is all about time and age for me. And not in a good way. Not in an inspiring way where people say "Oh, you only live once so make the most of it."

I'm always thinking about how time is passing me by. Passing my loved ones by. I'm worried and anxious about things I have no control over. I think ahead into the future way too much. I think about the times I was in high school or middle school and wish I could go back, even though those were probably some of the worst times of my life. At least back then, I still had things to look forward to. People I looked forward to seeing. And in middle school, I was more free-spirited. Now, I dread waking up in the morning. Hell, even my dreams and fantasies don't bring me an escape anymore. Life as a whole feels dull.

I feel like I've wasted so much time in my early twenties that now in my mid twenties (is 26 mid? I dunno) A large part of me is disappointed in myself despite me working on myself now.

I see age everywhere now, and I compare myself to others more than ever and I'm trying to stop. When I see a young couple with a baby, stranger or not, I immediately wonder how old they are and compare myself to either make myself better or worse for not being in the same position. Convos in my head would be like:

"They look happy and look like a loving family. And they look young too. Damn, I should be like that, but I'm not."

"Oh, she's still single and has no baby and she's 40-something, so it's ok that I'm 26 with no hubby or kids. I'm not alone, so that's ok."

"Oh, I should be like her. She's 22 and so successful. You're nothing like her, shame on you."

Everything is tied to age now. I'm not where I thought I would be at my age. And my parents are getting older and although they respect my pace of life, I'm sure deep down they would like to have grandchildren or at least see me succeed in something.

Having faith in God has helped me ease these anxieties.

I want to be successful, but it takes me forever to get out of bed. Nowadays the suicidal and dark thoughts hit me first thing in the morning and they weigh me down. It feels like there's already a noose tied around my neck and tightening itself. I just want all of this to end, truly. I want to learn how to free myself of these demons suffocating me. It's getting hard to breathe, and I'm feeling drained. To quote The Breakfast Club "When you grow up, your heart dies." This seems to be true for me. The passions I had died long ago. Now life feels empty. All it is now to me is a reminder that the golden days are gone and that death is coming soon.

[Agora1]

Hi 97Bunny11... "The golden days are gone" at 26. My dear, you haven't even started

to live yet. A woman reaches her peak in her 30's. That's when life experiences and

maturing come about. You are more apt

to know what you want and what direction

you want to go in. Following the crowd doesn't lead to happiness. Comparing yourself

and where you are at isn't a rule. Things happen in life when they are suppose to. It's

something we cannot jump into if we aren't ready. Fate has a way in showing up without

you stressing about it. It comes at the right time and the right place and the right frame

of mind.

Enjoy your 20's. You may not be ready to be tied down as a wife and mother. That's a

full 24/7, 365 days a year job. Kick up your heels while you can. Get that out of your

system so that when the time comes to settle down, you will be ready.

We may only live once so let's make sure we enjoy each and every day. xx

[Polkadottail]

If it makes you feel any better I didn't have my child until I was 37. I think you still have a lot of time to get things sorted out. I work with other women my age who are living on their own, without a family or a significant other. Sometimes I envy them. They have the freedom to just go and do something, anything they want. I wish you the best.