Hi. I’ve never done this before, so bear with me. I’m feeling suicidal, and hopeless, and helpless. It was only 2 weeks ago that I overdosed on my medication in an attempt to end my life. And it was only 3 years before that that I overdosed on my previous medication.
I have been in therapy multiple times but have not found it helpful; I struggle to discuss about my feelings to others. Now, currently, I cannot stop thinking about dying - in fact - I cannot wait to die, hoping this horrible feeling would finally end. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or shot dead in public next week, and I would not care.
I keep fantasising about death, how I would end it (jumping off a tall building, cutting my wrists in the tub, suffocating myself via helium). I don’t exactly know what I am looking for after writing this here, I suppose it feels lighter that I have now shared this. If you have any advice or similar information you would like to share, I would be happy to listen. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Hopefully you are doing better than I am
I'm sorry you're suffering right now. There's a long answer, and a short answer. First is the short answer: have you called Samaritans (samaritans.org)?
Hi. Thanks for the response. I’ve tried to call but only let it ring for a few seconds before panic takes over and I hang up. I can’t bear the thought of calling for help, I find it embarrassing for some reason.
It is essential to realise that you are going through a period of upheaval and unhappiness .Have you thought of trying to stop the negative self talk which is destructive and causing you to contemplate your life.
I think each and every one of us has a purpose and in time you will find yours .
You are half my age and at the beginning of your life.
A very famous Indian Actor took his life and his last film was titled "SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER "
Thank you for your response. I have actually thought about life like that; that we all have a purpose. I used to have a clear image of mine; pursuing a career as a biomedical scientist and changing, or at least making a positive impact on the world. But I have since lost that image. I’ve recently had to quit my job because of the stress, and have dropped out of college. I feel like a complete failure, who depends on Universal Credit for financial support.
Hey Teddy. I ve had 2 attempts in 9 years . The last was 90 strong pills and I’m still here. I did it strictly because of pain, both from my depression & anxiety and also from a family non support system that would not try to help find answers that I was obviously failing at.
All that matter was stopping the pain. After the second attempt in 2022 I knew my iLife was worth saving but how to reduce the pain?
For me, my answer was a hospital. They reworked my entire med and therapy regime and for over a year I’ve been 90% pain free.
You are in a desperate state. Instead of doing what your planning go to a hospital or try new meds with a different doctor.More dosage maybe? Anything!!
Turns out that for years I was under medicated. My anxiety med (Busiprone)went from 5 mg to 30 a day and now 60 mg a day.
They put me on Citlaporam for the first time. Took me off lithium because of high readings for damage to my kidneys.
I’m now helping others with my experiences and knowledge outside of this group. I’ve learned a lot in my 6 months on here to be prepared if trouble strikes again and to help others.
All Life is worth it. Change your course in this life young man. You do it by trying something different than suicide. A hospital will help with that right away. If you have done a hospital before what else can you try ?
I am so sorry you are suffering Teddy. It is so hard to go on living when there is no hope. I hope that sharing has helped you feel a glimmer.
Being able to share and feel my feelings has really changed my life. I now sit and feel my emotions and when I get down it is sadness, not depression. There is hope. A couple of years ago I was fantasizing about getting lost in the mountains and laying down to die.
As others have said, call a suicide hotline.
I am always a fan of trying everything. I made good progress at an inpatient treatment center, then had good experiences doing ketamine therapy. Others recommend the brain electrical stimulation stuff. There is a path to peace for each of us, we just have to find it☮️
Hi there. I want to tell you that I am a three time suicide attempt Survivor. The final time that I tried I was 15 minutes away from death and it could have gone either way. They had to pump my stomach and I was in ICU for a day and a half which I have absolutely no recollection of to this very day. To this very day I struggle with major depressive disorder, PTSD and adjustment disorder. Since the time I tried to kill myself between the ages of 18 and 21 I am now 54 years old. When my depression gets the best of me I don't get out of bed and just lay there for hours on end in the abyss. I want to tell you that life is worth living there is a light at the end of that tunnel you just have to hang in there so you're able to find peace and well-being once again. In your case since you're feeling suicidal now I would suggest calling a crisis hotline I'm telling them how you feel I'm worried that you might act upon it and something may happen to you. I am not a licensed professional of any kind and all I can offer you is my own experience which I have quickly spoken about here in this post to you. I want to tell you that in my case I believe that I was saved by God himself because as I said before I was there at the threshold of being in between living and dying. We all have a purpose here and mine is sharing my story and testimony with others in the hopes that I may help someone anyone and if I save one life then all of the pain and suffering I have endured would have been worth it. I love helping people it makes me happy and sometimes I'm so confused because I can't seem to help myself. I suffer with self-esteem issues and self-loathing due to a lot of childhood trauma I suffered because of an alcoholic mother who made me her Target of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I was also physically abused by my father and an ex-fiance and was sexually assaulted I've been through hell and back and have done things that put my life in danger many many times in my younger years. I have been in a deep dark depression for the past 3 years since before the pandemic and it's been the longest of my entire life. My struggles have been ongoing and relentless this entire time. I believe that my medication is no longer working and it's time for me to see someone but at the present time I can't afford to see a psychiatrist who will prescribe me different medication at this time. I have found this group and the other group which have been very helpful for me with peer-to-peer support which is helping me immensely. I am hoping that you see that there is a lot of caring and giving people that read your post and want to see you alive and to try to get yourself to a place where you're not suicidal. Please hang on and reach out to a professional so they can help you. Please also reply to me so I know that you're okay thanks so much for listening.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way, Teddy. I once attempted myself. Lost my desire to live over seeing no purpose and finding the right help was tough but I encourage you never to give up. The EMT, while we were waiting for an ambulance to get me to the hospital, told me I'm not alone. I knew he was right and wrote this song in response. Hoping it helps you see that you matter!
I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am that you're feeling so bad; I've been there, myself, as I made the first attempt on my life at age 23. Subsequent to surviving that harrowing ordeal, I promised myself that, despite how brutal life can be--especially for those of us that suffer from emotional difficulty--it's always best to give life another chance, as we're only afforded one. Moreover, the Suicide Prevention Hotline has employees that are exceptionally kind, empathetic & compassionate; it took me approximately 45 minutes to speak to the gentleman--but it was well worth the wait as he informed me that he was in my shoes on many occasions in his own life. I'd like for you to give life another chance; you've been through a lot, but you're certainly worth the effort. From one troubled soul to another--All the Best!
Teddy, you are not a failure! You have had a couple of setbacks, but that does not mean you are a failure. Most of us have had setbacks in life. You are being too hard on yourself. I have been suicidal at times. I get it, but you sound smart and talented and you have the potential to make the world a better place. Love yourself. You are worthy. A better therapist and better meds should help. But you really need to stop being so hard on yourself. If someone came to you and told you what you have told us online, what would you tell them?
Please do not give up. There are other solutions. We are all sending our support and many have shared their experiences with you. Please use these to find help.
You are not alone as i often get those feelings and planning my demise, but thankfully i get through it. Its like everything is against me and i see no end to the suffering, its real and its overwhelming. Thinking of you with blessings.
Suicide is a long-term solution to a short-term problem. I've been where you are now and if I had taken my life, I would have devastated my daughter, who absolutely worships me. God gave you your life as a gift to help other people. The way you live your life is a gift that you give back to God. Only God knows when your life will end and it should never be by your own hand.
First of all, thanks for sharing how you feel. You say in your post that it's been difficult for you to share your feelings, but you did a pretty good job now I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. I feel you. And I am sure many other people, especially in this community, get what you are going through. You are not alone. And I also know that no matter what I say, it will be difficult to ease your pain; but it might help you feel less lonely. I believe that you sharing this here is a good sign. In a way, you are open to communicating and to listening and taking advice. There are suicidal hotlines that work 24/7 (988, for example). Also, you are always welcome to share with us what you are feeling and thinking and fantasizing. We will not judge. We will listen. And let me say something else. Your life is precious and unique, and it's worth it. It is ok if you are not sure about who you are or where you wanna be or even if you wanna be dead or alive. I'm not a therapist so I am not in a position to give you instructions so first I would suggest getting professional help. And also, I would say take small steps: breathe, go outside and enjoy the sun in your face. Sip hot coffee. Smell flowers. Just little things that might help you connect with Earth and life again. We will be here Take care and don't forget to breathe.
I'm right there with you. I haven't done therapy as I don't think it would help. I'm already too introspective and understand perfectly why I am the way I am. I have many times when I wouldn't complain to G-d if he took me now. It's been a hard few years, and I'm not sure if it will ever get better.
And I am not there with you. I have people who count on me. I have people in my life who survived the Nazi's because although they thought they might be killed, BUT NOT TODAY was their motto. I have people in my life who might fall down themselves if I set a bad example. I may not care about myself as much as I should, but I care about them. I must go on. There is dignity in struggling to overcome. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I must hang in there, struggle and pray for strength.
So, I survive by being of service to others. I survive by having faith that I will find a way. I survive when I remember people I love are watching my example. I survive by saying bad things may happen, BUT NOT TODAY.
It's one thing to have feelings, they are often difficult to prevent or even control. It's another thing entirely to let them call the shots. Call the Samaritans anyway and tell the panic to go blank itself.
Hold on to the phone with an iron grip and when you hear the voice on the other end of the line, pry your mouth open with a screwdriver if you have to and start talking, even if it's gibberish. They've heard it all over there, they will not hang up on you.
It sounds like a big part of the problem is admitting and saying out loud to someone else that you have this problem. I'm sure it was difficult just to post in here. But it is an illness like any other and like any other it requires treatment and there is no more reason to be embarrassed by that than if you had cancer or MS or even a flu or cold.
Don't let the demons talk you into hiding under a blanket so they can have you all to themselves and goad you into falling into their lair permanently.
I hope that you are feeling better today! Have you tried calling or texting 988 or chat 988lifeline.org . They are here to help you through this storm of your life right now. Or if you are having trouble getting through try 18553825433. This is a good place who have wonderful professional volunteers ready to help you figure your life out. Or focusonthefamily.org .
Do you know what the side effects are of your medication? Some medication side effects are suicidal tendencies, if that is the case with your medicine call your doctor immediately and let him/her know, and get the medicine changed!
Sometimes the peace that we are seeking and cannot find is only found through Jesus Christ. John 3:16 says; "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. "
Jesus knows all about the pain and suffering that you are going through right now! He has felt the physical, emotional, mental, all the pain that each and every one of us feel. He can give us peace that surpasses all understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path straight.
When we put our trust in him, we need to ask him for, forgiveness of all our sins ( wrong doings). 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us of all our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
If you are truly seeking to find true peace, say this prayer with me.
Dear Lord Jesus,
I am hurting and need you! Thank you for loving me! Come live inside of me and be my God and Father. I need your love and peace! Please forgive me of all my sins and wash them all away. I know that you are the one true God: God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I know that you died on the cross for me and rose again three days later. I want to trust and follow you all the days of my life.
Amen
Now go and tell someone the good news, that you have become a child of God! Read your bible every day, pray every day and whenever you feel prompted to. Share with others about Christ and how he has been helping you. Worship and fellowship with other believers at church.
I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I am also Suicidal most of the time. But I'm lucky. I have one thing going for me. I have a 13 year old son I could never leave. It would devastate him. I do have a plan but then I look at him...do you have one thing you can focus on and anchor you. That might help.
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